acute onlinedatingitus: cured!

I'm baaaaaack! That's right, fellow followers, I am officially back from my dating sabatical. There have been a few things that have happened since I last blogged, but I wanted to wait until I was fully rested and recovered from the acute onlinedatingitus that I was suffering from before I posted again. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the stories that Blondie and HeyTallGirl provided. I was laughing so hard that I was crying (thank God for water proof mascara) while reading HeyTallGirl's most recent post.

So let me just dive right in with the first, incredibly ridiculous story. This happened about three weeks ago - probably the day after I went on hiatus from match.com. It was about 5:30 and I had just left work. I needed to run into Safeway to grab some ingredients for the amazing cheese-lover's mac-n-cheese I was making for my work potluck the next day (it was a HUGE hit, btw), so I stopped at the new Safeway, which is conveniently on my way home from work. This Safeway is freaking awesome. It is gigantic. I have gotten lost in there multiple times.

So on my way to the Safeway, I get a phone call from my good friend, Putzy McPopular. I haven't talked to her in a while, so we're catching up. I, being the law-abiding citizen that I am, am using my earpiece so that I can be hands-free while driving. I pull into the Safeway parking lot and decide to do something I never do... continue my conversation with my earpiece in while shopping. Seriously, I never do this because I think people who talk hands-free while shopping look like idiots. But I decided to do it anyway because Putzy always keeps me thoroughly entertained and who cares if I look like an idiot? I apologize, Oprah.

Anyway, so I run around the store grabbing my ingredients and then head into the self-checkout line. I am fully engaged in my conversation with Putzy when I hear my name called out from afar. I turn slightly to my left, where the sound is coming from, and sure enough, someone did say my name. Holy shitballs, you have got to be kidding me. It's my worst nightmare... again. It is Winky McWhatGives. He starts toward me with the biggest smile on his face. As he is approaching me, I hear him say, "Oh, wow!" (as in, "Can you believe this amazingly wonderful coincidence that has - once again - clearly been a pure act of divine intervention?") I want to throw up. Putzy is still talking, by the way. I have no idea what she is saying and I have no idea what to do about Winky, who is, by this point, gaining on me. I am freaking out, so I do the first thing that comes to my mind. I turn back around so that my earpiece is clearly visible to him. And then I point to it. I see him open his mouth like he wants to say something, but I just continue my conversation with Putzy as if he's not there. I say something like, "Oh, really?" Then, "Hahahaha. That's funny." I sideways glance at Winky and he is slowly passing in front of my, his head hung down in shame.

Let me tell you people... dodged a bullet! A big, shiny FREAK of a bullet! Why do I have to run into this guy everywhere I go? It is not fate! It is the universe playing a cruel trick on me! Let's consider, then, the moral of this story: always wear an earpiece when shopping alone. It will save you from potential awkward conversations with people you have zero interest in talking to, such as dudes whose phone calls you ignored, acquaintances from high school, or an old boss (all people that I have had awkward conversations with in public places in the past).

And now, my dear readers, onto the good stuff! After having not logged on for three weeks, I took a page from Blondie's book and I revamped my match.com profile last week. Instantly, I began to receive positive feedback. Lots of winks and emails. I have even already gone on a date! On Tuesday I met MidTwenties McHatesToHug for Chinese food at a restaurant near my house. Kudos to him for picking something in my town, even though he lives and works farther north. The night I revamped my profile, this guy "chatted" me via match.com's sophisticated instant messaging system. I have never chatted on match before (except for that one time when I was filling in for Putzy the night we set her profile up. Let me tell you - it's much more fun chatting when you're pretending to be someone else). I was literally about to sign off and go to bed when MidTwenties sent me a chat. I checked out his profile and it turns out he's actually pretty good looking, so I thought, Oh what the hell and chatted him back.

We pinged each other back and forth for a few minutes and then I told him that I had to get to bed. Before I logged off, though, he insisted (and I mean INSISTED) that I watch the music video (he IMed me the link) for the new Pitbull song. "I am obsessed with it," he typed. "I can't stop listening to it on repeat." Finally, I obliged.

"OK, I listened," I typed back.

"Isn't it amazing?" he wrote.

"Yeah, it's great!" But to be truthful, I had no opinion about the song whatsoever. Right now, if it's not country, I'm not interested. But I didn't want to hurt his young little feelers. Turns out, my approval of the song was a BIG DEAL. We said good night and the next day I received an email from him asking me out to dinner!

And that brings us to the date. Just before I left for the date, I decided to read through his profile again. Afterall, I want to make sure I don't ask him questions that can easily be answered just by reading his profile. As I was reading, I sent the following text message to Blondie: "Reviewing my date's profile. I have a feeling this is going to be a 'for the sake of the blog' kinda night!" But as it turns out, I was wrong! While the date was not super exciting - it was actually kind of awkward (when I hugged him goodbye, for example, it felt as if he was afraid to touch me. He did the awkward lean and pat, which is what I do when a student tries to hug me) - there were some positives to the date. He was just as cute in person, he was a gentleman and paid for the meal, I was able to express my love for Oprah and he did not freak out, and he asked me out on a second date! I actually wasn't sure if he was going to ask me out or not because when we parted ways outside the restaurant, all he said was, "I had fun!" Ummmm ok...

But, alas, two days later, he sent me a text message asking me out again and then signed off his message with, "It is nice to have something to look forward to on Monday!" Maybe I will just have to ease him into the hugs. Final vote: bud with stud potential

So, I am back on the match.com bandwagon and it feels good. I have a fresh new attitude, I don't feel burnt out or stressed, and I am ready to hit the ground running. I have a date with SportsNut McWineGuy (definite potential here - he seems normal, sweet, athletic, and fun) on Sunday and a couple of other dates in the works - one with Comedian McSanFrancisco (Blondie said, "I think he'll probably annoy you." This is probably true, but what the hell) and another with KindaAverage McOverCommunicator.

Here's a qiuck summary of McOverCommunicator's communications since Saturday, when he first winked at me. This will be a nice preview for you of - Lord help me - what's to come:

1) wink
2) email saying that my profile was the first one that he read and immediately said "Wow"
3) another email: "How's your Sunday going?"
4) phone call
5) a second phone call immediately following
6) an email saying he called (twice)
7) a text message asking why i didn't call back
8) a four-text message explaining that he isn't a stalker, he likes people (that's why he's a social worker), he really likes me (my profile made him smile), and that he hopes I will give him a chance.

Oh, boy. Current Vote: Stalkerazzi

I'm in trouble...

Well I let my match.com subscription expire and so far, no regrets! Seriously folks. I think I have been dealing with match dudes for so long I had forgotten what its like to meet a normal person. The more I think about it, the only thing Match did for me was force me to lower my standards. I was persistently telling myself with every guy “give him a chance,” or “don’t be so judgmental.” Is that REALLY the way you want to feel about somebody you are dating? The pity dynamic is not very conducive to romance. One should be excited about who they are meeting up with for a drink, or curious about who is buying them a latte! My sentiments were generally more aligned with performing community service.

I am going to save the best for last and start by telling you how I have in a matter of a week managed to eliminate three Matchy McLames from my pool of options. The first one I mentioned on my last post, Nursy McTenderHeart. He actually gave me a call which was good, but his phone communication style was just like his email; stream of consciousness with minimal punctuation. Plus I could barely understand him. I was annoying myself with how many times I said “what?” Now please don’t think I am judging him for his casual approach to grammar, but this is simply not a match for how I operate. Top it off with the usage of the terms “homeboy” and “Costa” (aka Costa Rica) and it is clear this Nursy is likely doing more than dispensing the meds. Tenderheart or not, he’s just not man enough for me. So, in the interest of preserving my dating Karma I decided that instead of ignoring his incessant texts, I would kindly let him know that I did not think we are a match. Final vote: bud

Though I have had barely any communication with Beamy McDouche, he deserves a mention only because I want everybody to fully understand the scope of what Teachy and I are dealing with on match. So on my last “paid” day of match (paying the subscription activates the email function; searching, winking and your profile are all still active for free) I decided to take advantage of the last opportunity to beef up my man ranks. I had received a wink from Beamy McDouche and he fit my whitecollar profile to a T. He had even included pictures of himself in front of his BMW to reassure any doubters that he was in fact a McDouche. But he was cute enough, educated, and some people are just car people right? Well I gave him my number and told him my match subscription was expiring so he would have to call me. He (shocker) texted me the next day. We exchanged a few texts before I finally told him I am not into the texting and perhaps we could talk over the weekend. Shocker, he didn’t call, but he texted me on Monday. This guy is clearly a candidate for Mensa as he asked me, “how was the game?” I responded, “game?” as I did not attend any sporting events whatsoever this weekend. His response, “oh, I mixed you up with somebody else.” And if that wasn’t hilarious enough, he later texts me again and ironically asks me, “do you remember who I am?” Well Beamy McDouche, I do now.

And this leads me to Boasty McSelfAbsorbed. I don’t know what possessed me to respond to this guy. He constructed a grammatically correct email and was moderately attractive so, as I mentioned before that is pretty much the extent of my standards these days. He had some self indulgent pics on his profile but I tried to over look those and remain open minded. His first text message was three “texts” long (blackberry) and explained why he wouldn’t in fact be calling me because he was sick. Perfect. So I politely told him I wished him well and gave him my email address which he had asked for. We exchanged a couple of standard emails in which he boasted about his band, all the gigs and places they play and oh yeah by the way he lives in Willow Glen. So I was a little too repulsed to respond but was FORCING myself to not be too judgy. But even Teachy told me he’s not for me and don’t waste my time. Apparently I am a glutton for punishment because he texted me and asked if he could call me tonite and I agreed. He said he would call me at 8:30. Thank you Mr. Exacto, can you send me an outlook invitation too? So he called and the first thing he blurted (really he blurted-it was a violent verbal assault) was “How’s that for punctual?” Sigh….this is going to be painful. He then went into an EXTENSIVE explanation of his symptom progression, diagnosis and treatment phase of strep throat. Are you feeling sparkly? I know I am. So even though he had pretty much sealed his fate from the first word he spoke, I politely engaged with him for about 20 minutes until he ended the conversation without (thank god) asking me out. Oh my god I am exhausted again just typing this. Final vote: Dud.

Now we can get to the good stuff! Cutie McManners (who I am thinking of renaming because he’s so much more than that) and I had our 2^nd date last Thursday. He was going out of town and sent me a text saying that he’d like to see me before he leaves and could we do a last minute drink that day. Well, I already had plans with Teachy for a home cooked dinner date but not till later so I told him I could meet him for a bit before my dinner plans. We met at a dive bar between our two offices and had a couple of drinks. It ended up being a good thing I had other plans and had to leave because I could have sat there all night. An hour flew by and I felt relaxed, happy, curious, and started to feel sparkly. Our conversation was natural and I just found him to be so normal and relatable. He isn’t boastful or braggy, but he is clearly accomplished and self assured. I found myself smiling a lot and just enjoying my time with him. His energy was calm and peaceful, but also masculine and powerful. Plus he was even cuter than I remembered! He walked me to my car and kissed me good night (sorry keeping the deets to myself). My biggest challenge with this guy is going to be keeping myself in check. Yes folks, I am in trouble. Current Vote: Stud

It's time for a hiatus

Maybe I should take a page from Blondie's book and rewrite my profile. It's probably about time, don't you think? I tell myself yes, that there are lots of things I need to do. But right now I am feeling the teensiest bit burnt out. OK, I lie. I am completely burnt out. And not just from match.com dating, but from numerous facets of my life.

To begin, my job is challenging. I am about 3/4 of the way through my second year of full-time teaching and it ain't easy, people. I am feeling the burn! With four different courses to prep for and very little time in the day, my brain is constantly working. To be honest, I don't think my brain has worked this hard in years - not even when I was in grad school and certainly not when I was in my last job!

Next, I am in the process of looking for a new place to live. While this is not an emotionally difficult thing to do (it is actually an opportunity that I am really excited about), it is a very time-consuming and brain-using activity. I never knew I would have to use my brain so much outside of work! I always thought leaving work meant turning the brain off in order to make room for crappy reality television. Boy, was I wrong!

Finally, I just finished "training" and "competing in" a triathlon. I use the term "training" and "competing" loosely because I actually did hardly anything, physically, to prepare for this triathlon. But since I was serving as a support staff member, my duties this training season extended beyond simply just exercising. Those duties required brain power and other acts that are a step up from vegging in front of the TV.

So with these things in mind, I am simply exhausted. Beat. Mowed down. Who has time, after all that, for online dating? Not me. And that's clear in my actions. I am not blogging as much as I once was. I am waaaay less enthusiastic about my dating adventures. I am not oozing with positive energy. I am canceling on dates for no good reason. And I am, as per usual, trying to squeeze 25 hours of activity out of one 24-hour day. I am making life miserable for myself. I know and you know that I will never find a huzband like this.

So I've decided - after the three dates that I had scheduled for last week (see what I mean???) - that now is a good time to take a break. It won't be a super long break, I promise! But it will be a break that will last long enough to get me through post-triathlon soreness and team wrap-up, and to get me caught up with work - I will grade every single paper that has been turned in to date! Thankfully, the apartment hunting is already on hold until it gets closer to our move-in date, which isn't until July. What is important here is that I focus my energy in the right place. And right now, that is not on match.com. I will let Blondie take over the blogging for a while. I know y'all need to have your minds satiated with the exciting details of some poor single lady's dating life, so Blondie... it's all you!

But before I go, let me fill you in on last week's maction... To begin, my strong desire to take a break from match.com made going on my dates feel more like burdens than exciting adventures. So, I had Date #1 with CouldBeGhetto McPoorGuy on Monday night last week. Since he lives in San Francisco, we met halfway - in San Mateo - for a late dinner at KingFish ("Eat like a king, drink like a fish." Yup). It was an entertaining enough date. We got along really well and had a lot to talk about. He works for a non-profit in the City, which helps underpriveleged teens and young adults turn their lives around. I wanted to ask him (and I am not being judgemental here, but it is probably important to know that he is African American) if he had previously been one of these "troubled, underpriveleged teens," but I didn't want to offend him, so I kept that question to myself. But honestly, he definitely fit the profile of a reformed gang member... just sayin.

Instead of talking about the thug life, we talked about things like where he went to college, sports (because I am such a sports nut, duh), our lives growing up in the Bay Area, etc. I learned that he played football in high school and college, he drives a black Mustang with black rims (that is where the CouldBeGhetto nickname originates from. That, and some of his profile pictures wearing wife beaters and diamond-studded sunglasses), and he went to college in Oregon. Educated, interesting, athletic... wait a second, this guy sounds like a winner, right? Yeah, a bi-winner!

I probably would have been excited for a second date, but he totally ruined his stud status by suggesting that we split the dinner bill! Ugh. Are you kidding? So now I'm out another $30 because this guy's mama never taught him manners. Or he's just really, really poor. Both serious possibilities. Both total turn-offs. So bitterly, I pulled out my wallet and threw down my credit card. He knew I was going to be out of town for my triathlon, so he told me to call him when I returned. Needless to say, I will not be making that phone call. Boo to you, Mr. Cheapskate! Final vote: dud.

Next, on Tuesday was Date #2 with NeedsToEatACheeseburger McMichigan. We met for a drink - yet another sign of this guy's penny-pinching as well... still no offer to take me to dinner - at an Irish bar in Mountain View. He was 25 minutes late. Steeeee-rike 2! I got there a few minutes early, ordered myself a drink and some dinner. (This place is known for their awesome happy hour, with cheap food and drinks, so I wanted to get my order in before happy hour ended, which was at 6:30. We were meeting at 6). When he finally strolled in at 6:25, I urged him to get his order in quickly before happy hour ended. He didn't seem to be worried. We ended up chatting for an hour. It felt forced and all I could think about was when it would be too soon to say, "Well, I've gotta get going..."

And, to make matters worse, I ended up paying for his drink, since I had put my card down at the bar when I was waiting for him to arrive. That's two dates in a row where I had to pay! What is up with that? I am clearly choosing the wrong men. It's pretty obvious that I am not into this guy. I could see myself being friends with him as we definitely had a similar sense of humor. But I am certainly not going to send out a friend request on Facebook. To be honest, this relationship is done-zo. Final vote: bud.

Finally, I had Date #1 scheduled with AwkwardSilences McUnprounceableFirstName on Wednesday. Two things went wrong with this "date." First, I had attended a conference earlier that day where there was some interesting "Chinese" food being served. I, being the fat girl that I am, served myself two helpings of the concoction. Mmmm it was tasty. Later that day, as my Night School class was coming to a close, I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to run to the toilet. I was about three seconds away from an unfortunate accident. Luckily, I made it. As to be expected, having a near-accident in your pants is not the way you want to be feeling just before your first date. So I called to see if we could reschedule. Now, this is partly where the second problem comes in.

His mannerisms on the phone reminded me a little too much of the late-January dating disaster, Geeky McEastSlow. Yep, that would be the one who announced his Special Ed status to me at the dinner table, just before he asked to take the bread to go. So after two three-minute-long awkward silencey phone conversations, I was starting to worry about the social skills of my upcoming date. And, on top of that, he had a first name that I absolutely could not figure out how to pronounce! Before even meeting this guy in person, I could tell that it wasn't going to work. I told him we would reschedule for this week, but I am not feeling it whatsoever. My spidey senses are certainly NOT tingling. Final vote: dud.

I honestly believe that the universe was speaking to me last week... it sent me three good reasons to taking a match.com hiatus. I am listening, universe!

I don't get it

Whoops! I didn't realize I had let a month go by without blogging! I didn't intentionally withhold juicy updates, there just weren't any. So here's the latest...

My front runner Manly McTexan was scheduled to have surgery on February 7th so I set my expectations super low as far as when I might hear from him again. (This is the secret to avoiding debilitating downward dating spirals-set low expectations). Consequently I was pleasantly surprised to receive a Happy Valentine's Day text message from him. He reported that his surgery recovery was brutal and I said I was sorry to hear that and wished him well. He recalled I had plans to go to Austin and he had promised to get me some recommendations of where to go as he used to live there and has local friends and family still residing there. (I never expected to receive these). Well strangely enough, on the Friday before Teachy and I left for vacay, I was out at the local watering hole (watching Teachy, Texy McAmericanIdol, and DJ McEightesQueen sing their hearts out) and received not one but 4 text messages from him providing endless suggestions of where to go in Austin. I thanked him for his suggestions and asked if he was recovered from his surgery. No response. Well, I had 5 days of vacay ahead of me so I didn't let it spoil my buzz. Once I got home from Texas I decided I would swallow my pride and reach out one more time..just in case (even though my vaginal instincts were telling me it was useless). So I thanked him again for his efforts in sending me (remember- a 4 text long message) the Austin spots. Aaaaand you guessed it, no response! This behavior is absolutely mind blowing. Why would he go to the trouble of even researching Austin and then sending me the texts if he isn't interested in me? Is anybody REALLY that nice, particularly to somebody they met on match.com? And if so, wouldn't logic also suggest that they would therefore be nice enough to politely respond and indicate they are not interested in seeing me again instead of ignoring me? Somebody please explain this to me! Final vote: Dud in Stud's clothing.

Prior to our Austin trip I had chatted up Canadian McJew and he had politely asked if I would like to grab a drink once I was back in town. His maturity and good manners were appealing to me which is really quite scary if my standards have been lowered to the extent that all it takes is manners to get me excited about a guy. But anybody who is on match.com knows this is a rare and valuable quality in a potential date! So I gladly accepted the offer and we made plans for Saturday night. Our date started at 8:30 and we met at a local restaurant/bar that is always packed and loud. It's a fun scene, but not my choice for a first date as you can't comfortably sit and talk which is a significant first date activity! But Canadian McJew was on time, exceedingly polite and generally a good conversationalist. I had a glass of wine (+ the carafe which is really like 2 glasses) and I had only eaten a garden burger for dinner so I was already tipsy when he suggested going to another bar. If you are a single lady you might be familiar with the eating dilemma. It's generally assumed that if the guy does not explicitly state dinner, then there will be no food involved. However, multiple times I have eaten before a date, especially if it is in the 8-9 hour, only to arrive and my date hasn't eaten yet! What should you do? Eat dinner again (um no thanks, already struggling enough with cocktails 4-5 nights a week), or you could come off like a by-atch and say you already ate and refuse to eat anything else. Typically I will order something just to be polite (who wants to eat alone) and try not to devour a second dinner's worth of calories; hence my gardenburger-only dinner. So since Canadian McJew is not from the peninsula (he's from Canada as you might have guessed), he didn't have any suggestions as to where else we might go. So we actually had to get in his car and drive to the next town to hit up a tavern he Yelped from his phone. While he lost points for making me wander around in the freezing cold looking for a spot, I suppose in the end he redeemed himself for being resourceful. It ended up being a cool bar. We had a couple more drinks and before I knew it, it was 1AM! Crazy long drinking date right? Our conversation was good and he was interesting to talk to but my vajay was not sparkly at all. In fact, when he was driving me back to my car I was yawning. Which he noticed. So he dropped me off at my car and he did not get of his car. This was his unfortunate mistake as he completely eliminated any opportunity he might have had to kiss me at this point. So instead, it was an awkward, "Wanna go out again?" to which I replied "Sure, give me a call." Well followers...what do you think. Did he call? Its been over a week and, you guessed it, no call! Final Vote: Bud

I do have a promising date scheduled this week with TeddyBear McMIT. I haven't actually spoken to him on the phone, we've only exchanged emails and then voice mails as of today. I have lowered my expectations significantly so as to prevent disappointment but all indications are that it will at least be an enjoyable evening. TeddyBear McMIT asked me if I'd like to go to dinner (points for dinner instead of drinks!) and asked where I'd like to go. It is pretty rare that I actually get a nice meal out of these match.com guys so I suggested sushi (gotta get smart ladies). He agreed and I am hoping he'll call me tonite to confirm, and that the food won't be the highlight of the date! Current vote: Stud

Stay tuned for updates on him and others....wink wink.

"I guess I'm calling to break up with you."

Well, I have been so busy NOT dating lately that I haven't even had time to post an update. Between date night with Blondie McSmartyPants, a ridiculously busy social life and Super Bowl Sunday, my life has been INsane! Not insane enough for me to forget about match.com, though. Don't you worry about that. I am still an active little dating bee.

But, I know you're all dying to know what is up with VBall McBulgarian, so here's an update. The last time I saw him was Wednesday night last week. It was our third date. He came over for a homecooked meal (mama always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Actually, mama never told me that, but I imagine that is something a mama might say) and for a game of scrabble. I am embarassed to report that he beat me at Scrabble. Yes, he is an English language learner (moved to the US in 1993) and he beat me, an English language learner teacher at Scrabble. It was terribly sad and embarassing, but it was completely not my fault! I swear to you, I picked the worst letters (all vowels) to have ever been picked in a Scrabble game. AND, despite the fact that he had all the high-scoring letters - Z, X, J, V, K - he still only beat me by 10 points, so I like to think that I redeemed myself.

But that is beside the point. At some point during the date, he breezily mentioned that he was interviewing for a new job... in Baltimore. "WHAT!?" I believe I did actually shout it just like that with both an exclamation point and a question mark. I thought it was odd that he would bring this up on our third date and then try to nonchalantly pass it off as something that "probably won't happen, but..." Ummm ok, buddy. Just cut to the chase. But still things continued on as normal. He asked when he would see me again, we snuggled on the couch and watched TV, he kissed me good night. All seemed great.

But then, on the day of our next scheduled date (two days later, AKA last Friday night), he texted me to cancel, claiming he would call me the next day (yeah, right). Bummer. Big time. I was really, really, really, really starting to like this guy. SO, of course, I immediately tell Blondie about my devastating news and she decides that the only way to make things better is to go out and get drunk. I agreed.

We went to our favorite neighborhood bar, Blue Max, in Sunnyvale. Doesn't the name just sound fun and intriguing? It is... If you like old people who are REALLY into karaoke. I was feeling so pumped about karaoking and boozing it up that I must have been oozing positive energy as I got two calls three minutes apart from two new match.com boyfriends. (And, as it turns out, I wasn't really that sad about McBulgarian because I tried to cry about it on my way home from work that afternoon, but only managed to squeeze out about three tears!) It is true, ladies, life does go on.

Meanwhile, at the Blue Max, Blondie and I enjoyed a plethora of Miller Lights (at $3 a pop) and I indulged in singing an exorbitant amount of karaoke songs (some good - a "Need You Now" duet with my good friend, Texy McAmericanIdol; some OK - my go-to crowd pleaser "Take it on the Run" by REO Speedwagon; and some bad - Blondie and I attempting to belt out Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" as a symbolic gesture of our singledom). That, combined with a heavenly French dip sandwich from Adamson's made it a truly excellent night.

Next afternoon, I get a phone call from McBulgarian. Believe it or not, he is in that rare class of dudes who actually calls when he says he will. WOW! After a minute or two of "catching up," he breaks the news: "Looks like I'm moving to Baltimore." "WHAT!?" Only this time I don't shout that out. I am the breezy one now. "Oh wow, you got the job?" I am so breezy, it gives him chills. And the best part? He then says, "So I guess I'm calling to break up with you." HA! "You can't break up with me," I say. "We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend." He chuckles. We talk a little bit about how much it is going to suck to move from California to Baltimore (isn't that place the armpit of the U.S.?) and then we say our final goodbyes. It was sad. I hung up the phone and shed one final tear. Then, I went into my itunes, found my WhiteSnake album and pressed play. Story of my freaking' life.

Sing along, everybody: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again..."

Final vote: bud.

Guest post: ticking clock

By LooksLikeMe McHalfAsian

So I am adding my dating woes to this blog in an effort to emotionally detach myself from my dating disasters. As Teachy has named me, I am LooksLike[Her] McHalfAsian. I really should start this off describing my relationship with LiarLiarPantsOnFire You’reMcMarried, but there is not enough time in the world for that one!

So we will start, instead, with SizeIsNotAlwaysProportionate McTooTall. Ok that was a low blow… pun intended! Though we met through match.com, McTooTall and I had a mutual friend, which actually got the ball rolling for us. I probably would have never let him into my house otherwise, but he seemed nice, cute, and athletic and came with good reviews. I have to admit, I began my relationship with McTooTall while was I still wrapping up the devastation of ending things with LiarLiar. Can we all say “REBOUND!?” I really don’t think McTooTall was too hurt by this. He got what he wanted – a casual, non-assuming, fit-you-in-when-we-can relationship… well, until last summer, that is.

Early July comes around and so does the frightful comment, “I want to have a baby with you!” I know all of you would assume this was coming from the chick, but nope, that was not me! I guess guys have biological clocks, too. My response: “Is this a joke???” Okay, my tact and kindness filter flew out the window there. Who says things like that when you are not in a whole-hearted, committed, loving relationship??? And girls get bad raps for crap like this! Oh yes, McTooTall was dead serious! After many discussions and not being completely sold, he throws in, “You want me to move in here?” I enabled my filter this time, “Ahhh, okay…” Subject dropped! After weeks of, “I hope you are pregnant,” and “I hope I knocked you up last night,” and text messages of “I want to impregnate you tonight.” Dude, I’m still on the PILL! (Side note, at the time my cell phone would verbally read aloud message. A text message like this can be a show stopper while out hiking with not-so-close friends. Some impromptu coughing on my part was needed.) Low and behold, he got his wish, but not by choice on my part. I was off the pill due to a 104-degree temperature and being comatose for 3 days. I had a pretty severe case of strep. I did not move for days and my pill was farthest from my mind. He begged me not to get back on.

More text messages: “Do you love me?”

I learned once… filter! My response, “Can I trust you?”

“YES!”

“Then I guess I could (at some point)…”

Then one day (mind you, he had stood me up the night before on my Mom’s birthday) comes: “Would you marry me?”

Ladies, don’t get excited here, this was not a proposal, this was merely a clarification for future reference. My response, “Ummm, when I’m ready…” Let’s just say this was the beginning of the end. Not that there was really a stable future here; after all I did start this on a rebound.
So McTooTall begins to realize what he is asking of me and flip out at his requests… aaah yeah! Then, I get asked out by another guy, Mc Masseuse (future blog) and McTooTall literally flips a lid. This would be the last time I actually see McTooTall. I soon go on vacation to Zion and Vegas and I know McTooTall and I are done, just not technically.

October 6th… Happy Birthday to me! I had returned from Vegas the night before and since it was my birthday, I thought that it might be nice to see the guy I am supposedly seeing.
Two text messages and one voicemail later, he finally responds via text : “I met someone else; maybe we shouldn’t see each other.”

Me: “When were you planning to tell me?”

Him: “Not sure. Have a happy birthday!”

Needless to say, Vegas did not go to waste. Thank you BlueEyed McTriGuy! Less than two days into my break up diet and I was knocking on McLawyer’s door. (Not to sue TooTall but to get over him [another blog]).

After being together for more than a year, rating him as a dud may be too nice…

That’s alright, because just a few weeks later, I met (and subsequently had my heart broken by) EmotionallyUnavailable McSurfer. This one is still a very fresh wound (a much, much later blog). And just for clarification, McSurfer was not a rebound… but the next guy will be!

Final vote: dud


***Want to submit your match.com dud dating disaster? Post a comment with your email address and we'll get back to you!

"Will get you to wear heels next time to compensate" Eew, no you won't!

Four updates for your reading pleasure:

1) Monday night I had dinner with my ex, Youngster McFriendlyGiant. This was not, as Blondie wanted it to be, a date where he confessed that he was still in love with me and wanted to get back together. Thank God, because that would have been awkward. Instead, it was two old friends getting together and catching up. We had a really nice time. No vote necessary, as this guy has been and always will be a bud.

2) Last night, as you know (and I'm sure have been anticipating), I was supposed to meet Ballsy McIndian for coffee. However, as the day progressed, my anxiety about having to go and meet this guy steadily increased. I got cold feet. So after consulting with both Blondie and HeyTallGirl, I came to the conclusion that the best option, in this instance, was to cancel the date. I played around with a number of different ways to cancel, but decided that just keeping it short and sweet would be the best way to deal with this.

I know some of you are disappointed that I didn't meet Ballsy for coffee "for the sake of the blog," but I just couldn't do it. Honestly, what would be the point? It would have been a big waste of my time and I couldn't bare to do that - waste my time. I just don't have enough of it. And you will see, by reading the text below, that I actually dodged a big shiny bullet by canceling on that date.

Yep, that's THREE separate text messages you see there, including one that clearly reinforces his tall girl fetish. Oh boy. It is official, this guy is a total, major, absolute FREAK!

3) Speedy McSwede called me on Monday night while I was out with Youngster. He didn't leave a message, so I called him back on my way home. We chatted for a few minutes ("How was your day." "Terrible." Wow, Debbie Downer much, Mr. McSwede? I jokingly wanted to say, "Could anything else go wrong?"). Finally, he got to the point and asked me out on a second date. After that Ey-ore conversation we'd just had, I considered saying "No thanks" but thought I should maybe give him another chance. And since my schedule is so packed this week, our only option was Sunday. So, Sunday will be date #2 with Speedy McSwede. Should be a rip-roarin' good time!

4) Also while I was out with Youngster, I got a call from another potenty who lives in SF. His name, for lack of creative inspiration, will be LovesFood McSanFrancisco. So far, our email interactions have been about restaurants we love and the Giants winning the World Series. Not bad. I had some doubts about him after listening to his gravelly "uh"-laden voicemail message, but after playing it for Blondie and my friend, NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola, they both decided I was being overly critical and that he actually didn't sound "slow" ("It sounds like he is getting over a cold," NicestFriend said. Of course, because she is so nice), as I initially classified him. So, I called him back (one full day later) and we made tentative plans to go to a restaurant he recommended in San Francisco this weekend. I need to call him back on Thursday to confirm. Can someone PLEASE remind me!?

All in all, things have slowed down a bit on Match. We'll see how things play out with all of my aforementioned McDudes (including Mr. McBulgaria who hasn't called me yet this week). And if nothing pans out, I'll get to winking again...

What gives?

Today, I received an email from Winky McWhatGives. This one's a doozy. A week or so ago, he winked at me. His profile looked interesting and he seemed like an OK guy, so I winked back. As per basic match.com etiquette, if you wink and then the person winks back, the ball is back in your court and it's your responsibility to make the next move.

In this instance, the next logical move is to send an email that says "hi" and asks a few questions, such as "What do you do for fun?" OR "I noticed you like to travel. Where's the last place you traveled?" You see, these are just suggestions, but the questions or comments you can make about someone's profile are endless.

Well, rather than send an email asking me one or more of above-listed questions, Winky waited about a week, viewed my profile multiple times, and then sent me the following message this morning:



*Shakes head in disbelief* WHAT? Who is this guy? First of all, "what gives"??? Secondly, "after all the winking"?? REALLY? There were two winks exchanged in total!

Now, there are two things I could have done with this email: 1) I could have ignored it and lived happily for the rest of my life; or 2) I could have sent him an email back putting him in his place.

What do YOU think I chose to do?

Yes, you are right. Here is the email I sent back (within minutes and via my iPhone, btw. I was fired up!):

Hi,

First, with "all the winking" are you referring to the one wink you sent me and the one wink I sent back? That's only two winks, which hardly implies a vigorous back-and-forth exchange of winks.

Second, why couldn't you just send me an email to start the process of communication rather than sending me this message, which sounds angry and bitter and which also gives the impression that I owe you something, which I clearly don't. You know what would have been nice? A simple email where you ask me some questions about things I enjoy doing or something from my profile that sparked your interest.

Finally, sending a message with the subject "What gives?" and then blaming me for the lack of communication isn't the best way to lure a girl in. So in the future, if you find a girl that you think you want to "exchange words" with, my advice would be to send her an email complimenting her, not telling her she's done something wrong.

Oops. I guess I was REALLY high up on my horse there. But come on, I couldn't just sit back and let this one slide. I mean, I know that many dudes are on match.com for this very reason - because they honestly just do not know how to communicate with women - but I figured I could take this as an opportunity for a teaching moment. He needed to be served. And he was.

But, here is what I was NOT expecting ...... to get an email back from him .... within 10 minutes of sending my email ......... that said this:

ahhh.... so that is the way I sounded :-( .... sorry it comes across that way.

I'm hardly upset ...... just trying to be persistent and silly/ goofy (ofcourse I know we have not been winking vigorously).

... A girl who is tall, very cute, can be goofy, humorous ... is especially interesting to me.
Even if I do not meet your dating "criteria", you seem like you will be a fun friend to hang out with.

I wish my composure and decorum didn't go out the window when I find someone I like online (like now)

by the way, the "peace sign" underwater... totally cool :-)

also I see you like John Grisham, have you ever read any Sidney Sheldon novels? His "Rage of Angels" or "Other Side of Midnight" are both truly amazing!

I love beaches, lakes, too.... aside from Santa Cruz, where else have you liked in the area?

oh bt w, I like the way you broke your paragraphs out into first, second, and finally... nice structure there :-)
Though my unstructured email might not indicate this, but in my spare time, I advise people about admission essay writing (and usually advocate for a good paragraph structure as well)

Now let's break this down piece by piece in order to get a real understanding of what's going on here: First (clearly, I love making lists), please proofread before sending emails. No one likes to receive a sloppy message in their inbox. Second, why so many ellipses? I just ....... don't .... understand. Next, you're complimenting me on the structure of my bitchy email? Oh man, I don't even know what to do with this one. Finally, are you also an advocate for proper punctuation and verb tenses? Because it doesn't really seem like it based on this email. Oh, and P.S. I am the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. ~Natty Sweetheart.

So, obviously, I have not responded yet. I cannot even think of what to say (other than what's written above). But, Blondie says that "for the sake of the blog" I should continue communication with him and even potentially go out on a date! No promises yet, but it's definitely a possibility...

Current vote: freak! (there are so many freaks out there, we might have to change the name of the blog).

The hottest thing on match.com?

That would be Hottie McAsian, our fake match.com profile. It has now been one week since Hottie's profile has been active and she has... drum roll please... 52 new emails and 105 winks! Wha? Huh? What did you say? Yeah, exactly. I don't even know what to make of this, but I am pretty sure that every man in the greater bay area - between the ages of 18 and 50 - has either winked or emailed her. Damn, girl. You are smokin'!

If at first you don't succeed...

...dust yo'self off and try AGAIN! Aaaaand that's what I'm doing.

Yeah... after the overwhelming feeling of rejection that I suffered this weekend, I decided to jump right back on to match.com with full force - new profile, new attitude. So I updated my profile and got to winking. And now I've got three dates coming up in the next week. Only one is from match.com, though.

Speedy McSwedester is a tall, athletic Swedish guy who recently moved to the Bay Area. His email subject line said, "Wanna go for a run sometime?" HA! Did you laugh out loud, too? I told him I'd go for a run with him, but it would be more like me running really slowly and him taking a walk next to me. Anyway, he seems like a pretty cool guy. He's a semi-pro cyclist, which is a little intimidating, but we'll see how things go. We have a date scheduled for Friday night.

I gave in to Ballsy McIndian (we met in the cereal aisle at Target, remember?) only because I am 99.9% certain that our date will lead to some really good blogging material. Is it bad to agree to dates "for the sake of the blog"? Because that has pretty much been my tagline lately. Either way, it appears he has moved from his tall girl fetish to a more appropriate obsession with my job as a teacher, as his "future career interest is in that direction." So, we're having coffee on Tuesday next week. Wish me luck!

And then, on a particularly odd note, I saw one of my exes at my triathlon practice last Saturday and we made plans to have dinner at this restaurant in Mountain View that I apparently told him I'd take him to while we were dating (I do not remember that at all), but I never did. Whoops. That's what you get for breaking up with me. So, Youngster McFriendlyGiant and I are going to dinner on Monday night at above-referenced restaurant. However, just for clarification, this is not a date-with-a-potential-husband situation. That ship has sailed. I never felt particularly sad about our breakup and we have remained semi-friends. So THIS is just two friends meeting for dinner. However, I will still blog about it because blogging about people when they don't know I'm doing it is so much fun!

Three strikes and you're OUT!

*Sigh*

This was an eventful and emotionally draining weekend, and for a brief moment (approximately 1 hour), I gave up on match.com. But I did some thinking and I'm ready to get back out there.

So here's what happened...

Strike 1: Friday night, I had my first date with Whitey McMidwest. Oh man, over text message, he was the perfect guy. And I had really high hopes for this one because we really seemed to connect and, in his words, "it [felt] like we already [knew] each other." Our first conversation over the phone lasted for one hour! That conversation took place on Saturday, January 7th and we made plans that day to do dinner and bowling the upcoming Friday night. Each day following, Whitey texted me and we had riveting textersations. We seemed to have so much in common, including an intense love for the show, Jersey Shore. He would text me things like, "Friday couldn't come sooner" or "I can't wait to meet you" in addition to things like, "We should do this..." or "We should go there together..." Things that, as a vulnerable single woman who tends to read into things sometimes, I was weary of getting excited about.

I've been in the non-relationship before where the guy talks up all the great things we're going to do together and then dumps me for some unexplained reason (before, of course, any of those things ever happen). So in order to prevent myself from getting too excited about Whitey, I continuously responded to his comments of "We should..." with, "We'll have to see how Friday goes!" No one wants to set themselves up for disappointment. I've done it before and I am learning not to read into everything a guy says.

So, with that in mind, we meet for our date Friday night. We enjoy a nice dinner and split a bottle of wine. We have great conversation - talk, laugh, learn about each other. It's nice. I feel like it's going well. After dinner, we head to the bowling alley and we bowl two games. When our games are over, he suggests we hang out in the bar where karaoke is about to begin. We are having a fantastic time. He doesn't appear to be bored nor disgusted with me as a person. Phew! Then, nearly five hours after it began, we finally decide to end the date. As we walk out, he gives me a small kiss on the lips, tells me he had a great time, and that he'll call me. I leave feeling excited and optomistic. I am even more optomistic when he texts me to tell me he's excited to do all those things we had talked about doing "after Friday." I smile as I fall asleep.

Fast-forward to the weekend. I do not hear from him. I become Crazy. I am even crying at some points because I do not understand WTF is going on. Three days go by and I finally hear from him on Monday evening when I get this text: "I've been doing some thinking and I just don't think we're a good match after all. I've had fun getting to know you and wish you the best of luck!" Don't cry for me because here's the honest truth: when he didn't call me for three days, I already knew that that was the text I'd be getting. It's called Women's Intuition and it involves the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know something isn't going right. Ladies, DO NOT IGNORE THIS FEELING! It is real! No, something didn't happen to his phone. No, he's not just busy with his buddies. No, he didn't die suddenly. No no no. He is just not that into you (even though the guy who wrote that book is an asshole, he's right!) And only God knows the reason why he's not into you. But don't obsess over that either. Just do what you can to overcome the Crazy, and then move on.

So after a few tears shed - not over a simple white guy from the midwest, but over the disappointment of another lost possibility of finding love - that's exactly what I did. I moved on. Final vote, obviously: bud.

Strike two: I went on a first date with Foody McGradSchool on Saturday afternoon. I was not feeling nearly the connection with Foody that I did with Whitey, but who am I to turn down a free meal, right? I broke my first date rule and agreed to let him pick me up because he was driving all the way down to Sunnyvale from San Bruno. I found this guy interesting because he had a very positive outlook on life and he seemed to be really spiritually centered. I find that attractive, as long as it isn't too in-your-face. When this guy picked me up, I'll admit that he definitely looked like he did in his profile pictures, except for the fact that he was probably 100 times skinnier. I have actually never seen a skinnier man in my life. He was a beanpole. When he turned sideways, he disappeared. I felt like a giant beast next to this guy.

Other than his lack of body fat, I found him to be attractive and genuinely nice. We drove to a local Mexican restaurant. He had a white Acura with Dr. Dre playing on the stereo and it was at this moment that some things he had said in previous conversations ("I grew up in parts of Daly City and Vistacion Valley, near Hunter's Point," and "Growing up in the projects..." - btw, this is the whitest guy you've ever seen) caused me to realize that this guy is San Francisco's Slim Shady. He even had the ghetto driving swagger down, with the seat tilted back, extreme lean to the right, resting practically the entire right side of his body on the center console (which, btw, put his head about two inches from mine), and just one arm - his left one - draped loosely over the steering wheel. Man, this guy really IS from the projects, I thought. Oh, and did I mention that he was practically sagging his jeans all the way down to his thighs? I could not tell if he was going for the gangsta style or if he simply couldn't keep his pants up on his 25-inch waist.

At the restaurant, we enjoy a lovely meal and talk about many things, including how we are both really, really RIDICULOUSLY good at Words with Friends. So he asks me what my user name is and we have been playing since that afternoon (I am beating him). We even have a candid conversation about what it's like to be on match.com, dating multiple people at once, etc. I like how honest our conversation is. After lunch, he drives me back to my place, gives me a hug, and we say our goodbyes. Overall, no sparks, but a nice date. Final vote: bud.

Strike three: As you may recall, this weekend I was supposed to have Date #3 with Flaky McTallGuy. Well, guess what? Yep, that's right - he flaked. I had pretty much decided I was over him by midweek when I hadn't heard from him. Then, Wednesday night, he sent me a message. We texted back and forth for a bit until he finally asked, "What time on Saturday?" I told him anytime after 5pm. "I have plans at 7," he texts back. "What about Sunday?" Seriously!? Ugh, this is the flakiest guy I have ever met! I agreed to Sunday even though I was thinking, "You are a loser and I am done with you." A couple of days go by until he texts, then calls me at approximately 11:30pm on Saturday night. I had just arrived home from my date with Whitey. He shoots the shit for a bit until I start yawning. Sorry dude, but I am exhausted and have to get up hella early for Saturday morning triathlon practice. He tells me he has some ideas for what we'll do on Sunday and that he'll call to finalize plans. "Ok, sounds good. Good night."

Flaky seems to know when I am on a date with another guy because that always seems to be the time he calls or texts. So just as my date with Foody is ending on Saturday afternoon, I get a call from Flaky. I don't answer, of course, but listen to the voicemail when I get home." I am not surprised by what it says: "Hi Natalie... I've been thinking about things for a couple of days now and I feel like there's sort of a friend vibe coming down and I don't know if it's just bad timing for me or what, but I think you're a great girl and blah blah blah..." And then, at the end of the message, he says, "So let me know your thoughts." REALLY!? What, like I'm going to call you back and say, "NO! There's no friend vibe! You must take me out on Sunday!?" Whatever dude. I texted him back to say, "I agree" and told him to have a good life. But what I really wanted to say was: 1) grow a pair and don't leave something like that on a voicemail; 2) I think you might be gay (for real, I need to figure out how to post a snippet of a voicemail); and 3) learn how to manage your schedule so you aren't so flaky, you bonehead. But I decided to be nice. This time. he did text me back saying, "You are smart, funny, and have a lot going for you. Take care." Barf. Final vote: bud.

So now you might be thinking - well, three strikes and you're out, right? That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. For a second, I was totally down in the dumps. I wanted to give up on dating, give up on men altogether. BUT THEN... Blondie McSmartyPants gave me some good advice. After showing me an excerpt from a book she's planning to read (My Half Orange by Amy Spencer, which I will be reading as well), she decided that our problem is not that we can't find the men of our dreams, but that we're not putting all of our effort into attracting them. And she's right. I've got to focus on what I really want and use the power of optismism to attract Mr. Right. It WILL happen, I just know it.

every girl's got a little crazy in her...

Ok, this is going to sound a little psycho, but the truth is... as a member of the Female Race, crazy is unavoidable, as it is an unchangeable part of my DNA. And honestly, when one member of the Female Race gets crazy, she shares her crazy with other members and then the crazy spreads like a disease. So, what happened here is that I contracted my crazy from my good friend Blondie McSmartyPants.

Blondie McSmartyPants, as you know, recently ended a relationship with Tooly McWankFace. And when I say recently, I mean like last week. This is a fresh wound here. So as per standard crazy post-breakup behavior, Blondie immediately began scouring match.com to see if he had re-posted his profile. Then, on Tuesday, she discovered that he had indeed re-posted his profile. Crazy just got crazier.

Now, there is one inherent problem with match.com: when you look at a dude's profile, it shows up on his "See who's viewed you" section of his page. So if you view it today, it shows up. If you view it tomorrow, it shows up again. How in the world do the match.com creators expect us to secretly stalk dudes if we're constantly showing up on their "Who's viewed me" page??

So there are two things that caused the crazy to spread from Blondie to me: 1) She told me about finding Tooly back on match. That wanker! 2) She asked me if I had ever searched for my ex. Dammit! I hadn't even considered that! (For those of you who don't know the back story, my ex - Douchey McF***Face - and I broke up in August. While Douchey and I didn't meet on match, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't sign up to try to find the byatch of his dreams. And just for the record, I am COMPLETELY over him, but honestly, I am just a curious person by nature).

Here's what happened. I got curious. Duh. So I conducted a search for men of his age range, height, location, etc. I was very specific so as to narrow the field. And after browsing just two pages, I found him. My heart stopped. What a douche. But, I hate to say this, the crazy didn't stop there. It really does get worse - way worse. I did not want to click on his profile, because the last thing I wanted to do was to give him any sort of impression that I think or care about him at all. So, I immediately IMed Blondie. What do I do?? She was in the same boat as me. She had been consumed by the crazy. I know I should not have turned to her, but the crazy was running coarsely through my veins. I was not thinking straight. In haste, we shot ideas back and forth about what to do. How can we properly stalk our exes without them knowing it?

"I've got the BEST idea," Blondie wrote (in reality, not a good idea at all). "We can create a FAKE PROFILE!"

"OMG! That is such a good idea!"

No it's not. But... it was too late. The crazy had already won. Blondie moved quickly. She suggested using the photos of her coworker, who is happily relationshipped. Brilliant!

So immediately upon getting home from work on Tuesday, I set out on my task of creating a faux stalker profile using Blondie's coworker's photos! We'll call our newest match.com member Hottie McAsian. Let me tell you this... it is hard work making a match.com profile! So many questions! So many things to make up! But by the time I had sat down in front of my laptop and created a fake gmail account for Hottie, there was seriously no turning back. I was in it to win it. I had to create a fake birth date, a fake college, a fake degree, a fake job, and even fake interests (Hottie really loves the beach and experiencing new adventures - ok, maybe there is a little bit of me in this fake profile...) I felt like Dr. Frankenstein creating my monster. It was so much fun! After about 40 minutes of hard work, my creation was complete. I just needed to wait for the profile and photos to be approved.

When I finally had my chance, I logged on immediately to stalk Douchey's profile. Eew. So glad that relationship's over. Viewing his profile ultimately brought me no satisfaction, other than knowing that I am glad I am no longer with him. (That, and the thought that I am way too hot for him anyway.) After viewing his profile, the crazy started to slowly wear off. WTF were we thinking? But, since we already had the profile up, we figured we'd check on it every once in a while to see who's winking at her. If Douchey or Tooly wink at her, we both thought, they're going down. (Crazy clearly still lingering).

As a non-paying match.com member, the only thing you can do on the site in terms of communication is wink for free. You can also see those who have winked at you. What you can't see is "who's viewed you" or emails that have been sent. We didn't envision this being a problem because we were only anticipating using her profile to stalk our exes.

But here's the crazy part... Hottie has had a fake profile now for about three days. I logged on to her profile this morning, just to see what kind of action she's gotten (and to see if Douchey winked at her, which he did not). You will not believe this, but she has 19 new emails and 40 winks! Are you kidding me!? That is more emails and winks than Blondie and I put together! How is it possible that our fake profile is more popular than our real ones!? Waaaah we are crying!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, folks, it's that stalking is bad. And so is creating fake people. Or using real people to make fake people to secretly stalk real people. Ugh. What a giant, crazy mess...

Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride...

Ok, this was just bad judgment on my part.

So one of the first guys who emailed me on match – we’ll refer to him as Walks-a-lot McTexter – seemed at first to be a really cool guy. He sent a nice, normal email and gave me all sorts of compliments (clearly, I am easily wooed). So, as per my protocol, I gave him my number. Now, again, let me be clear that this is my own fault. I blame this entire non-relationship on my poor judgment. I’ve got nothing against this guy. He really is nice and completely unassuming and he even seems like he could – in some senses – be a very good boyfriend. However, with that said, I have decided to end things with him (before even meeting him. Is that bad?), and you’re about to find out why.

First, after I gave him my number, he – of course – did not call me, but instead sent me a text (problem #1). “Hi there, it’s Walks-a-lot from match.” After a couple of text exchanges (“I am good, how are you.” “Not bad. What are you up to?”) I ran into problem #2. After asking him what he was up to, he responded with: “I’m just at work watching football.” I am puzzled. It’s 8pm on a Monday night. “Watching football at work?” I text back. “Hmmm… What do you do?” “Sell team stuff in ALocalTown” What is “team stuff,” I wonder, and, Oh shit, I need to go back and check this dude’s highest education level. Problem #3.

My worst fears were realized. I am not quite sure how I missed this – maybe I was distracted by the fact that he was 6’4” and good looking? – but he had “tell you later” listed next to both his job AND his education level. Oy vey. Call me picky, but I just can’t date a dude with no college education! So one day during a typical textersation (he has texted me every day since the first day he texted, which was December 28th! And usually the texts start with “Hey,” “Hiya,” or “Hi”. Problem #5), I worked up the nerve to ask him about it. “I was just checking out your profile on match,” I typed. “Your job is listed as ‘tell you later’ – what up with that???” His response: “Because I work retail and 98.7 percent of women on there want guys who make good money, not for how good a person a guy may be :/ [sic]” Eeeek. I should have cut the cord right then and there. But I kinda felt badly for the guy, so I continued to let him text me on a daily basis. I mean, this whole time I knew I was going to have to break his heart one day, but I put it off thinking maybe he would get sick of me? (Impossible). So by this point, I am extremely bored with the textersations. I mean, seriously, are you mute? You are really THAT incapable of picking up the phone and calling me?

But finally, we get to problem #5 – the absolute worst of all, and in my opinion – a deal breaker. He finally gets up the nerve to ask me out for a drink. “It’s been long enough w/o seeing your beauty in person,” he types. Damn straight. So I respond with a suggestion of meeting up in the Cupertino/Sunnyvale area, since that is where I’ll be that night. “Would you mind meeting up in this area?” I ask. Brace yourselves for his response. You will be shocked: “This area as in TownILiveIn?” he writes. “I don’t drive member? Sorry to remind ya of my current short cummings :( [sic]” OK, so there are a number of things wrong with that text message, but – O.M.G. – let’s cut to the chase. “You don’t drive??” I text back. “You never told me that!” He tries to claim that he did and then gives me his sob story excuse. Not buying it, buddy. Bottom line… Ah helllllllll no. I do NOT want No Scrubs! How is this guy going to think it’s cool to date a girl without owning a car!? How is this guy going to think I am going to pick his ass up everytime we go out!? And, more important, how is this guy going to think I am going to pay for my own meals when he takes me (oh, excuse me, when I pick him up and take him) out for dinner?

Sorry, Walks-a-lot. But you’re outta here.

Final vote: Dud

getiin' busy

Last night I went on the first of four dates I have scheduled this week - it's time to get busy.

I was weary of this date from the start, but I wasn't going to worry myself about it because I made a decision when I joined match.com that I was going to give every guy a chance. OK, maybe not every guy, but definitely the guys that I felt I might be able to connect with.

Sweety McAspergers was a really sweet guy. I knew that from the start. He was open, honest, and funny. The only glitch: he was a texter. I don't mind texters, really, but only if the texts are every now and then followed by a phone call. But for over a week, the phone call never came. Everyday, like clockwork, Sweety would text me. It started to get frustrating. I have enough real people in my life that I can text with. An imaginary boyfriend is not what I'm looking for (although that reminds me of the great business idea that D, A, M and I came up with at brunch several months ago...). So eventually I asked him if there were ever going to be plans to go out on a date. He assured me that there would be, but those plans were still not made. He continued to text.

Finally, one evening after work, he called me. I picked up the phone and when he started talking, I realized there was a second glitch (and also, perhaps, the reason he hadn't called me sooner): there was something off about him. Was it Asperger's? I am not quite sure how else to put it, but he sounded just the teensiest bit socially awkward. Or maybe a lot socially awkward. And then it hit me - the reason why he hadn't called me sooner. He - like most texters - was hiding behind his phone. In written form, he was a communication pro. But in spoken form, Asperger's. I didn't want to deny him a date just because he didn't quite sound the way I thought he would, so I agreed to go out with him last night.

He picked an Indian restaurant (which apparently he frequents regularly) in Cupertino. It was fine by me - I will eat pretty much anything. So after some extreme car issues (car wouldn't start, C - our house husband - wasn't home to jump it for me and wasn't responding to my texts to let me borrow the Prius, so I had no choice but to steal his car. Sorry, C!), I headed to the restaurant. As I walked up to the place - which looked more like a cafeteria than a restaurant - I discovered glitch #3 (and the reason, perhaps, he didn't ask me out sooner): Awkward McDorkerson. Don't get me wrong, I love dorks. But this guy was dork to the extreme. And not just that, he looked kind of dumpy. He was wearing some 1989-era faded light blue jeans, a faded greyish long-sleeve sweater-shirt (maybe it used to be black?), and his hair looked like he shook his head when he came out of the shower and then never touched it again. I am generally not very picky about the way someone dresses (unless, of course, he is wearing a denim blazer. Completely unacceptable), but when a guy shows up to the first date in that, which is - technically - the best he can do, then I am just at a loss for words.

The date went fine. He held true to my original judgements of him - very sweet, honest, nice, and so on. But I just did not feel the attraction. And I kind of blame myself here. His profile featured just one picture of him (no doubt taken five or six years ago) and one picture of his dogs (super cute goldens). A word from the wise, ladies: if a guy has just one picture of himself, it probably means he has either let himself go, OR that pic just happens to be the one flattering pic of himself in his repertoire. DON'T FALL FOR THE ONE-PIC TRICKSTERS! He did text me to ask if I wanted to go out again. I feel bad saying no, so I agreed to coffee week after next (I am too busy with other dates this week and have no free time!). After coffee, I will let him down gently. Final vote: bud

In other dating news, I've got Date #2 scheduled for tonight with Flakey McTallGuy (tonight will determine whether or not his nickname gets changed.) So far, he has been redeeming himself with various phone calls and text messages. And now we are Facebook friends, which makes me more nervous than anything, but I am prepared to change my privacy settings!

Tuesday night is a first date with Foody McGradSchool. He seems fairly normal. He's a San Francisco native and worked in the restaurant biz for many years. I am a fan of foodies because that means they will pick really good first-date restaurants. He is currently in a counseling psychology grad program and hopes that this year will be "the most powerful year" of his life. I like that. he seems smart and thoughtful. He called me on Friday evening and we talked for about a half hour. It was good conversation. No Asperger's-ness, so I'm happy.

And then Friday night I have a first date with Whitey McMidwest. I like this guy. He was born in L.A. but moved to Illinois when he was 13. He went to the University of Illinois (where his mom works) and moved here to work in HR at Cisco. He's a big guy - 6'4", a few extra pounds, but also very active. he plays in a co-ed softball league and apparently is an avid bowler. I don't mind big guys, as long as they are not obese. Sometimes it's just genetics and it's not like I'm a super small girl. Either way, I am excited to meet him. He called me yesterday and we talked for an hour! It went by super quickly and I didn't even realize we were on the phone that long. So that's a really good sign.

All in all... three potentially stud-worthy dates coming up. My match.com fortune just might be turning around. It's about time!

On paper

I should have seen it coming with Tooly McWankface. I mean the guy even actually referred to himself as a tool on multiple occasions. Is it a requirement of match.com men to lead with their flaws? Can't you keep those to yourself? Or at least until I've met your parents. Then maybe I could associate your self loathing behavior with some f-d up parental unit. Self deprecation is not sexy.

So what did I see in Tooly McWankface in the first place? Well I seem to have developed a taste for white collar douche bags. You are probably familiar with this breed of man-child. On the outside they look like they've got it all together. The job (accountant, lawyer, sales exec), the education (private schools their daddies paid for), the resume, the house, the car, the cuff links. But on the inside they are insecure adolescents with addictive personalities and debilitating Oedipus complexes.

Well Tooly was the epitome of white collar douchebagery. He was a classic workaholic and admittedly so. He told me this the day I met him. My white collar fantasies of briefcases and cocktail hours kept me interested. But eventually the extent of his workaholic douchebagery became exceedingly apparent. He was incapable of any spontaneous interaction. Compelled to report to his desk no later than 7am and stay put until 7pm; it was also a non negotiable requirement that he continue to work until midnight once he arrived at his empty apartment (which could pass for corporate housing). Sunday afternoon dinner party? Heck no-he's too busy for that. Spontaneous drink downtown-no its a school night.

The sad part is, when he could schedule me in, I really enjoyed spending time with him. I found him to be interesting, challenging, intelligent and surprisingly passionate. But what would the future hold? Me begging for a few hours of his Saturday, or cold dinners alone? So I had to ask him, even though I knew the answer-does this really qualify as a relationship to you? 4 hours a week? I spend more time with the baggers at Nob Hill. And though he admitted I was right, this was in no sense a relationship, he was not equipped to meet my dating expectations. So we (he) decided not to continue this "relationship" and reported this to me last night in a cold and distant phone call. I wept like he was my first love and thanked god he wasn't there to see me deconstruct, particularly since my mascara wasn't waterproof. He maintained an aloof and professional demeanor and treated me like a client. I hope I won't get a bill for that! I will miss his steady, strong energy and his big sad eyes. I won't miss feeling single when I have a boyfriend. Like his manhood, his existence was only on paper.

Now that Tooly McWankface has released me from the burden of trying to convince somebody to have a life, I am free to wander the streets of match.com again. Final vote: dud

are you a stud?

Welcome to buds, duds, and duds - our match.com dating adventures blog!

We are EyeBrows, Blondie, HeyTallGirl, and Teachy - four working women looking for love.

We're here to find us some huzzzbands. Since men don't seem to be appearing out of thin air, and since we can't dream Mr. Right into existence, we've all decided to take the plunge and join match.com. Our ultimate goal: to find the loves of our lives. Our secondary goal: to have fun, meet men, and come up with some pretty awesome nicknames. Our final goal: to get as many free meals as humanly possible.

Here's how it will work: each of us will document our dating adventures - from winks to full-on makeout sessions. Then, when the time comes, we will rank the men based on this scientific classification:

Is he...
-a bud: Is he nice, smart, funny, cuddly even? Do you care if he sees you without your makeup? Does he like to watch "America's Next Top Model" with you? Yep, I hate to break it to ya, but he's just a bud.

-a dud: Did somebody say "BOOOOORRRR-RING!?" Did he talk to much? Make you fall asleep? Make you wish you were at home with a carton of Haagen Dazs watching "The Bachelor" with your bud? Yikes, then he's a dud.

OR...

-a stud: Does he make you swoon? Do you get all googly-eyed when you talk about him? Is he a sexy beast? HELLA YEAH, that guy's a stud!

So if you're looking for some voyeuristic fun, dating vicariously through the three of us, then check back on this blog. We've got six months of membership to rant about. Don't make us get crazy!

xoxo,
Your Dating Professionals