acute onlinedatingitus: cured!

I'm baaaaaack! That's right, fellow followers, I am officially back from my dating sabatical. There have been a few things that have happened since I last blogged, but I wanted to wait until I was fully rested and recovered from the acute onlinedatingitus that I was suffering from before I posted again. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the stories that Blondie and HeyTallGirl provided. I was laughing so hard that I was crying (thank God for water proof mascara) while reading HeyTallGirl's most recent post.

So let me just dive right in with the first, incredibly ridiculous story. This happened about three weeks ago - probably the day after I went on hiatus from match.com. It was about 5:30 and I had just left work. I needed to run into Safeway to grab some ingredients for the amazing cheese-lover's mac-n-cheese I was making for my work potluck the next day (it was a HUGE hit, btw), so I stopped at the new Safeway, which is conveniently on my way home from work. This Safeway is freaking awesome. It is gigantic. I have gotten lost in there multiple times.

So on my way to the Safeway, I get a phone call from my good friend, Putzy McPopular. I haven't talked to her in a while, so we're catching up. I, being the law-abiding citizen that I am, am using my earpiece so that I can be hands-free while driving. I pull into the Safeway parking lot and decide to do something I never do... continue my conversation with my earpiece in while shopping. Seriously, I never do this because I think people who talk hands-free while shopping look like idiots. But I decided to do it anyway because Putzy always keeps me thoroughly entertained and who cares if I look like an idiot? I apologize, Oprah.

Anyway, so I run around the store grabbing my ingredients and then head into the self-checkout line. I am fully engaged in my conversation with Putzy when I hear my name called out from afar. I turn slightly to my left, where the sound is coming from, and sure enough, someone did say my name. Holy shitballs, you have got to be kidding me. It's my worst nightmare... again. It is Winky McWhatGives. He starts toward me with the biggest smile on his face. As he is approaching me, I hear him say, "Oh, wow!" (as in, "Can you believe this amazingly wonderful coincidence that has - once again - clearly been a pure act of divine intervention?") I want to throw up. Putzy is still talking, by the way. I have no idea what she is saying and I have no idea what to do about Winky, who is, by this point, gaining on me. I am freaking out, so I do the first thing that comes to my mind. I turn back around so that my earpiece is clearly visible to him. And then I point to it. I see him open his mouth like he wants to say something, but I just continue my conversation with Putzy as if he's not there. I say something like, "Oh, really?" Then, "Hahahaha. That's funny." I sideways glance at Winky and he is slowly passing in front of my, his head hung down in shame.

Let me tell you people... dodged a bullet! A big, shiny FREAK of a bullet! Why do I have to run into this guy everywhere I go? It is not fate! It is the universe playing a cruel trick on me! Let's consider, then, the moral of this story: always wear an earpiece when shopping alone. It will save you from potential awkward conversations with people you have zero interest in talking to, such as dudes whose phone calls you ignored, acquaintances from high school, or an old boss (all people that I have had awkward conversations with in public places in the past).

And now, my dear readers, onto the good stuff! After having not logged on for three weeks, I took a page from Blondie's book and I revamped my match.com profile last week. Instantly, I began to receive positive feedback. Lots of winks and emails. I have even already gone on a date! On Tuesday I met MidTwenties McHatesToHug for Chinese food at a restaurant near my house. Kudos to him for picking something in my town, even though he lives and works farther north. The night I revamped my profile, this guy "chatted" me via match.com's sophisticated instant messaging system. I have never chatted on match before (except for that one time when I was filling in for Putzy the night we set her profile up. Let me tell you - it's much more fun chatting when you're pretending to be someone else). I was literally about to sign off and go to bed when MidTwenties sent me a chat. I checked out his profile and it turns out he's actually pretty good looking, so I thought, Oh what the hell and chatted him back.

We pinged each other back and forth for a few minutes and then I told him that I had to get to bed. Before I logged off, though, he insisted (and I mean INSISTED) that I watch the music video (he IMed me the link) for the new Pitbull song. "I am obsessed with it," he typed. "I can't stop listening to it on repeat." Finally, I obliged.

"OK, I listened," I typed back.

"Isn't it amazing?" he wrote.

"Yeah, it's great!" But to be truthful, I had no opinion about the song whatsoever. Right now, if it's not country, I'm not interested. But I didn't want to hurt his young little feelers. Turns out, my approval of the song was a BIG DEAL. We said good night and the next day I received an email from him asking me out to dinner!

And that brings us to the date. Just before I left for the date, I decided to read through his profile again. Afterall, I want to make sure I don't ask him questions that can easily be answered just by reading his profile. As I was reading, I sent the following text message to Blondie: "Reviewing my date's profile. I have a feeling this is going to be a 'for the sake of the blog' kinda night!" But as it turns out, I was wrong! While the date was not super exciting - it was actually kind of awkward (when I hugged him goodbye, for example, it felt as if he was afraid to touch me. He did the awkward lean and pat, which is what I do when a student tries to hug me) - there were some positives to the date. He was just as cute in person, he was a gentleman and paid for the meal, I was able to express my love for Oprah and he did not freak out, and he asked me out on a second date! I actually wasn't sure if he was going to ask me out or not because when we parted ways outside the restaurant, all he said was, "I had fun!" Ummmm ok...

But, alas, two days later, he sent me a text message asking me out again and then signed off his message with, "It is nice to have something to look forward to on Monday!" Maybe I will just have to ease him into the hugs. Final vote: bud with stud potential

So, I am back on the match.com bandwagon and it feels good. I have a fresh new attitude, I don't feel burnt out or stressed, and I am ready to hit the ground running. I have a date with SportsNut McWineGuy (definite potential here - he seems normal, sweet, athletic, and fun) on Sunday and a couple of other dates in the works - one with Comedian McSanFrancisco (Blondie said, "I think he'll probably annoy you." This is probably true, but what the hell) and another with KindaAverage McOverCommunicator.

Here's a qiuck summary of McOverCommunicator's communications since Saturday, when he first winked at me. This will be a nice preview for you of - Lord help me - what's to come:

1) wink
2) email saying that my profile was the first one that he read and immediately said "Wow"
3) another email: "How's your Sunday going?"
4) phone call
5) a second phone call immediately following
6) an email saying he called (twice)
7) a text message asking why i didn't call back
8) a four-text message explaining that he isn't a stalker, he likes people (that's why he's a social worker), he really likes me (my profile made him smile), and that he hopes I will give him a chance.

Oh, boy. Current Vote: Stalkerazzi

What gives? Round 2.

So, Blondie and I went on a date on Saturday night to go see the critically acclaimed film, "Hall Pass." Blondie's choice, people, not mine. We arrived early so decided that the only way two old ladies like us would stay awake for the entirety of a 2-hour movie that starts at 8pm, would be if we grabbed a Starbucks, which is located just next-door to the movie theatre.

So we go in and Blondie, being the great date that she is, buys me my drink. Awww... I love my husband. As she's paying, I walk away to go stand next to the barista area - where people go to wait for their drinks. I literally have to squeeze past this man, who is on his cell phone, in order to get to the proper waiting area. As I am walking past, I hear him saying, "Hello? Uh... hello...?" and I think to myself that he is clearly talking to the person on the other end of the phone. Damn AT&T. But then I hear, "Natalie?" I spin around. I recognize him immediately but pretend that I have no idea who he is. "Hi," I say. Blondie is looking at my with a skeptical eye. I shoot a Fudge, this is awkward. Get me outta here look right back at her. "I believe we met on match," he says to me. Don't "I believe" me, Mister. You know my name! You very well know where we met. "Ohhhhhh..." I say, still shooting sideways glances at Blondie. Please save me. "What's your name?" I ask. Of course, I know his name. I think. "Winky McWhatGives" he responds. Duh. Of course it is.

Now let's rewind for a second. You all remember Winky McWhatGives, don't you? How could you forget? And let's say you have forgotten - I think then it's time you scroll through the archives and find the post entitled "What Gives" and you shall discover why the last thing I EVER wanted to do in my life EVER... was run into this guy in Starbucks.

"What are you doing here," he asks? "Oh, my friend, Blondie, and I are going to see a movie. You?" "Me, too! I am going to see 'Hall Pass.'" Yep. How did I know? Please don't ask if you can sit with us. Please don't ask if you can sit with us. He does not ask to sit with us, but he does continue to shoot the shit as he looks me up and down with hungry eyes (according to Blondie - "Did you SEE the way he was looking at you?"). Ugh. Finally, he asks if he can call me. I cannot reject this guy for, like, a fifth time in the middle of Starbucks when we are about to go sit in the same tiny movie theatre to watch the same lame movie as him. "Sure," I say, clearly with reluctance - clenched teeth and a quivering lip. He cannot sense my reluctance, though, because all he sees is this amazing aura of light around me. I am an angel sent from the heavens and our miraculously running into each other in Starbucks is surely a sign from God that we should be together. It is fate!

Finally, he realizes that I am on a date and he excuses himself to order his coffee. Blondie and I grab our drinks from the barista - why did they take SO LONG to make our drinks? Oh, right, because Blondie had to wait for her decaf coffee to brew. We literally run out of Starbucks. In the theatre, we sit as high up as possible and hide. BTW, this guy is alone. So he is clearly not getting a lot of hits on match.com. Gee, I wonder why? Thankfully, we never see him enter or exit the theatre. We make it out of there safely. *Phew!*

Fast-forward to Sunday night. I receive a phone call at 10pm (side note: do not call me at 10pm on a Sunday night. I am sleeping. Guaranteed). It wakes me up. It is Winky, who leaves a voice message. O.M.G. this guy is clueless. He says, "It was great running into you on Saturday night!" No it wasn't. He asks if we can catch up. I do not call him back. I will not call him back. Why is it the freaks who love me the most? Why? Why? WHY? Seriously, what gives? This vote has already been cast, but in case you need to be reminded: FREAK!

And now for the lightning-speed updates on the rest of my dating life:

1) Okie McDogRescuer never called. WAH! I liked him! Final vote: Bud.

2) MountainBiker McChristian also stopped calling. Aww shucks. But in reality... don't care. And, as it turns out, he is the SAME guy that NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate went on a date with about a year ago! Same thing happened to her! Clearly, this guy is NOT a keeper. And he has no type because McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate and I look nothing alike. Final vote: Dud.

3) Final update - not so lightning speed, though. This deserves a full explanation. So for a second, I was communicating with a new potenty: eHarmony McTayeDiggsLookalike. He was smokin'! We actually met on eHarmony late 2009 (clearly, I have tried them all, people. Multiple times. I never seem to learn my lesson). We went on one date to Starbucks. He was very handsome in person, but he was a flaky mctallguy for sure. At some point early last year, just before I started dating Douchey, he got "busy" and we stopped communicating (which was just texting, btw, because he didn't like talking on the phone. Hello, red flag)! So I get this email on match a week ago and it's from this guy. I could not remember his name. I am very upfront with him and I tell him that I am not looking for a text buddy and that if he is interested in a serious relationship, then he should call me. Oh, and btw, what's your name again? A couple of days later, I get a text from him: "Hey, what's up." Clearly, he did not get the message. In my text back I told him that he needed to ask me out on a date or we were done-zo. So he responds and asks if I would like to come over to his house and "chill." WHAT!? Are you serious? I tell him no, that I want to go on a real date. He is resistant but agrees that maybe we can meet at Rancho for a walk. Ahh... much more my style. We don't end up going on that date, though, because, WTF?, it is snowing in San Jose. Instead, we make plans to schedule something else later. FYI - still no phone call from this guy. I decide to hold out for him, though, because he is incredibly good looking.

So Tuesday afternoon comes around and I get a text from him. He asks me, again, if I want to go to house his and chill. OK, how much clearer can I be? NO! I want to go on a real date! I am angry and pretty much write that word for word. After about an hour of text arguing with him, he writes this: "I'll be upfront and candid... I have no intent of wining and dining anyone until I feel as if they are someone I have a mental and physical connection with and can see myself with."

I am so irritated by this point, so I write back (over a series of text messages): "How do you expect to ever make a connection with someone if you don't go on a date? I was never asking you to buy me fancy dinners. Meeting over coffee or for a drink works just fine. Or even talking to me on the phone. You do realize that there are creeps, rapists, and sex fiends on the internet, right? So when you ask a girl to come over to your house when you don't know her, you are going to come across as one of the above. It's not to say that you are one of the above, but you could be. How do I know? I am protecting myself when I ask to meet you in a public place." This is apparently funny to him because the message I get back says, "LOL." Yeah, I am sure you were laughing out loud.

"Though I get your point," he writes, "a rapist, sex fiend, or stalker is going to be the same person after one date or 100 dates... Look, I am not knocking your reluctance. I invited, you declined, it really isn't that big of a deal." He is right. And I am SO OVER HIM at this point. Even if he was Taye Diggs, I would have sent this same message back: "Ok well it's not going to work for me, so good luck!" And here is the kicker... His response: "K. Just let me know" HA! Now I am totally LOLing! Final vote: Idiot... er, I mean Dud.

What gives?

Today, I received an email from Winky McWhatGives. This one's a doozy. A week or so ago, he winked at me. His profile looked interesting and he seemed like an OK guy, so I winked back. As per basic match.com etiquette, if you wink and then the person winks back, the ball is back in your court and it's your responsibility to make the next move.

In this instance, the next logical move is to send an email that says "hi" and asks a few questions, such as "What do you do for fun?" OR "I noticed you like to travel. Where's the last place you traveled?" You see, these are just suggestions, but the questions or comments you can make about someone's profile are endless.

Well, rather than send an email asking me one or more of above-listed questions, Winky waited about a week, viewed my profile multiple times, and then sent me the following message this morning:



*Shakes head in disbelief* WHAT? Who is this guy? First of all, "what gives"??? Secondly, "after all the winking"?? REALLY? There were two winks exchanged in total!

Now, there are two things I could have done with this email: 1) I could have ignored it and lived happily for the rest of my life; or 2) I could have sent him an email back putting him in his place.

What do YOU think I chose to do?

Yes, you are right. Here is the email I sent back (within minutes and via my iPhone, btw. I was fired up!):

Hi,

First, with "all the winking" are you referring to the one wink you sent me and the one wink I sent back? That's only two winks, which hardly implies a vigorous back-and-forth exchange of winks.

Second, why couldn't you just send me an email to start the process of communication rather than sending me this message, which sounds angry and bitter and which also gives the impression that I owe you something, which I clearly don't. You know what would have been nice? A simple email where you ask me some questions about things I enjoy doing or something from my profile that sparked your interest.

Finally, sending a message with the subject "What gives?" and then blaming me for the lack of communication isn't the best way to lure a girl in. So in the future, if you find a girl that you think you want to "exchange words" with, my advice would be to send her an email complimenting her, not telling her she's done something wrong.

Oops. I guess I was REALLY high up on my horse there. But come on, I couldn't just sit back and let this one slide. I mean, I know that many dudes are on match.com for this very reason - because they honestly just do not know how to communicate with women - but I figured I could take this as an opportunity for a teaching moment. He needed to be served. And he was.

But, here is what I was NOT expecting ...... to get an email back from him .... within 10 minutes of sending my email ......... that said this:

ahhh.... so that is the way I sounded :-( .... sorry it comes across that way.

I'm hardly upset ...... just trying to be persistent and silly/ goofy (ofcourse I know we have not been winking vigorously).

... A girl who is tall, very cute, can be goofy, humorous ... is especially interesting to me.
Even if I do not meet your dating "criteria", you seem like you will be a fun friend to hang out with.

I wish my composure and decorum didn't go out the window when I find someone I like online (like now)

by the way, the "peace sign" underwater... totally cool :-)

also I see you like John Grisham, have you ever read any Sidney Sheldon novels? His "Rage of Angels" or "Other Side of Midnight" are both truly amazing!

I love beaches, lakes, too.... aside from Santa Cruz, where else have you liked in the area?

oh bt w, I like the way you broke your paragraphs out into first, second, and finally... nice structure there :-)
Though my unstructured email might not indicate this, but in my spare time, I advise people about admission essay writing (and usually advocate for a good paragraph structure as well)

Now let's break this down piece by piece in order to get a real understanding of what's going on here: First (clearly, I love making lists), please proofread before sending emails. No one likes to receive a sloppy message in their inbox. Second, why so many ellipses? I just ....... don't .... understand. Next, you're complimenting me on the structure of my bitchy email? Oh man, I don't even know what to do with this one. Finally, are you also an advocate for proper punctuation and verb tenses? Because it doesn't really seem like it based on this email. Oh, and P.S. I am the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. ~Natty Sweetheart.

So, obviously, I have not responded yet. I cannot even think of what to say (other than what's written above). But, Blondie says that "for the sake of the blog" I should continue communication with him and even potentially go out on a date! No promises yet, but it's definitely a possibility...

Current vote: freak! (there are so many freaks out there, we might have to change the name of the blog).