acute onlinedatingitus: cured!

I'm baaaaaack! That's right, fellow followers, I am officially back from my dating sabatical. There have been a few things that have happened since I last blogged, but I wanted to wait until I was fully rested and recovered from the acute onlinedatingitus that I was suffering from before I posted again. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the stories that Blondie and HeyTallGirl provided. I was laughing so hard that I was crying (thank God for water proof mascara) while reading HeyTallGirl's most recent post.

So let me just dive right in with the first, incredibly ridiculous story. This happened about three weeks ago - probably the day after I went on hiatus from match.com. It was about 5:30 and I had just left work. I needed to run into Safeway to grab some ingredients for the amazing cheese-lover's mac-n-cheese I was making for my work potluck the next day (it was a HUGE hit, btw), so I stopped at the new Safeway, which is conveniently on my way home from work. This Safeway is freaking awesome. It is gigantic. I have gotten lost in there multiple times.

So on my way to the Safeway, I get a phone call from my good friend, Putzy McPopular. I haven't talked to her in a while, so we're catching up. I, being the law-abiding citizen that I am, am using my earpiece so that I can be hands-free while driving. I pull into the Safeway parking lot and decide to do something I never do... continue my conversation with my earpiece in while shopping. Seriously, I never do this because I think people who talk hands-free while shopping look like idiots. But I decided to do it anyway because Putzy always keeps me thoroughly entertained and who cares if I look like an idiot? I apologize, Oprah.

Anyway, so I run around the store grabbing my ingredients and then head into the self-checkout line. I am fully engaged in my conversation with Putzy when I hear my name called out from afar. I turn slightly to my left, where the sound is coming from, and sure enough, someone did say my name. Holy shitballs, you have got to be kidding me. It's my worst nightmare... again. It is Winky McWhatGives. He starts toward me with the biggest smile on his face. As he is approaching me, I hear him say, "Oh, wow!" (as in, "Can you believe this amazingly wonderful coincidence that has - once again - clearly been a pure act of divine intervention?") I want to throw up. Putzy is still talking, by the way. I have no idea what she is saying and I have no idea what to do about Winky, who is, by this point, gaining on me. I am freaking out, so I do the first thing that comes to my mind. I turn back around so that my earpiece is clearly visible to him. And then I point to it. I see him open his mouth like he wants to say something, but I just continue my conversation with Putzy as if he's not there. I say something like, "Oh, really?" Then, "Hahahaha. That's funny." I sideways glance at Winky and he is slowly passing in front of my, his head hung down in shame.

Let me tell you people... dodged a bullet! A big, shiny FREAK of a bullet! Why do I have to run into this guy everywhere I go? It is not fate! It is the universe playing a cruel trick on me! Let's consider, then, the moral of this story: always wear an earpiece when shopping alone. It will save you from potential awkward conversations with people you have zero interest in talking to, such as dudes whose phone calls you ignored, acquaintances from high school, or an old boss (all people that I have had awkward conversations with in public places in the past).

And now, my dear readers, onto the good stuff! After having not logged on for three weeks, I took a page from Blondie's book and I revamped my match.com profile last week. Instantly, I began to receive positive feedback. Lots of winks and emails. I have even already gone on a date! On Tuesday I met MidTwenties McHatesToHug for Chinese food at a restaurant near my house. Kudos to him for picking something in my town, even though he lives and works farther north. The night I revamped my profile, this guy "chatted" me via match.com's sophisticated instant messaging system. I have never chatted on match before (except for that one time when I was filling in for Putzy the night we set her profile up. Let me tell you - it's much more fun chatting when you're pretending to be someone else). I was literally about to sign off and go to bed when MidTwenties sent me a chat. I checked out his profile and it turns out he's actually pretty good looking, so I thought, Oh what the hell and chatted him back.

We pinged each other back and forth for a few minutes and then I told him that I had to get to bed. Before I logged off, though, he insisted (and I mean INSISTED) that I watch the music video (he IMed me the link) for the new Pitbull song. "I am obsessed with it," he typed. "I can't stop listening to it on repeat." Finally, I obliged.

"OK, I listened," I typed back.

"Isn't it amazing?" he wrote.

"Yeah, it's great!" But to be truthful, I had no opinion about the song whatsoever. Right now, if it's not country, I'm not interested. But I didn't want to hurt his young little feelers. Turns out, my approval of the song was a BIG DEAL. We said good night and the next day I received an email from him asking me out to dinner!

And that brings us to the date. Just before I left for the date, I decided to read through his profile again. Afterall, I want to make sure I don't ask him questions that can easily be answered just by reading his profile. As I was reading, I sent the following text message to Blondie: "Reviewing my date's profile. I have a feeling this is going to be a 'for the sake of the blog' kinda night!" But as it turns out, I was wrong! While the date was not super exciting - it was actually kind of awkward (when I hugged him goodbye, for example, it felt as if he was afraid to touch me. He did the awkward lean and pat, which is what I do when a student tries to hug me) - there were some positives to the date. He was just as cute in person, he was a gentleman and paid for the meal, I was able to express my love for Oprah and he did not freak out, and he asked me out on a second date! I actually wasn't sure if he was going to ask me out or not because when we parted ways outside the restaurant, all he said was, "I had fun!" Ummmm ok...

But, alas, two days later, he sent me a text message asking me out again and then signed off his message with, "It is nice to have something to look forward to on Monday!" Maybe I will just have to ease him into the hugs. Final vote: bud with stud potential

So, I am back on the match.com bandwagon and it feels good. I have a fresh new attitude, I don't feel burnt out or stressed, and I am ready to hit the ground running. I have a date with SportsNut McWineGuy (definite potential here - he seems normal, sweet, athletic, and fun) on Sunday and a couple of other dates in the works - one with Comedian McSanFrancisco (Blondie said, "I think he'll probably annoy you." This is probably true, but what the hell) and another with KindaAverage McOverCommunicator.

Here's a qiuck summary of McOverCommunicator's communications since Saturday, when he first winked at me. This will be a nice preview for you of - Lord help me - what's to come:

1) wink
2) email saying that my profile was the first one that he read and immediately said "Wow"
3) another email: "How's your Sunday going?"
4) phone call
5) a second phone call immediately following
6) an email saying he called (twice)
7) a text message asking why i didn't call back
8) a four-text message explaining that he isn't a stalker, he likes people (that's why he's a social worker), he really likes me (my profile made him smile), and that he hopes I will give him a chance.

Oh, boy. Current Vote: Stalkerazzi

It's time for a hiatus

Maybe I should take a page from Blondie's book and rewrite my profile. It's probably about time, don't you think? I tell myself yes, that there are lots of things I need to do. But right now I am feeling the teensiest bit burnt out. OK, I lie. I am completely burnt out. And not just from match.com dating, but from numerous facets of my life.

To begin, my job is challenging. I am about 3/4 of the way through my second year of full-time teaching and it ain't easy, people. I am feeling the burn! With four different courses to prep for and very little time in the day, my brain is constantly working. To be honest, I don't think my brain has worked this hard in years - not even when I was in grad school and certainly not when I was in my last job!

Next, I am in the process of looking for a new place to live. While this is not an emotionally difficult thing to do (it is actually an opportunity that I am really excited about), it is a very time-consuming and brain-using activity. I never knew I would have to use my brain so much outside of work! I always thought leaving work meant turning the brain off in order to make room for crappy reality television. Boy, was I wrong!

Finally, I just finished "training" and "competing in" a triathlon. I use the term "training" and "competing" loosely because I actually did hardly anything, physically, to prepare for this triathlon. But since I was serving as a support staff member, my duties this training season extended beyond simply just exercising. Those duties required brain power and other acts that are a step up from vegging in front of the TV.

So with these things in mind, I am simply exhausted. Beat. Mowed down. Who has time, after all that, for online dating? Not me. And that's clear in my actions. I am not blogging as much as I once was. I am waaaay less enthusiastic about my dating adventures. I am not oozing with positive energy. I am canceling on dates for no good reason. And I am, as per usual, trying to squeeze 25 hours of activity out of one 24-hour day. I am making life miserable for myself. I know and you know that I will never find a huzband like this.

So I've decided - after the three dates that I had scheduled for last week (see what I mean???) - that now is a good time to take a break. It won't be a super long break, I promise! But it will be a break that will last long enough to get me through post-triathlon soreness and team wrap-up, and to get me caught up with work - I will grade every single paper that has been turned in to date! Thankfully, the apartment hunting is already on hold until it gets closer to our move-in date, which isn't until July. What is important here is that I focus my energy in the right place. And right now, that is not on match.com. I will let Blondie take over the blogging for a while. I know y'all need to have your minds satiated with the exciting details of some poor single lady's dating life, so Blondie... it's all you!

But before I go, let me fill you in on last week's maction... To begin, my strong desire to take a break from match.com made going on my dates feel more like burdens than exciting adventures. So, I had Date #1 with CouldBeGhetto McPoorGuy on Monday night last week. Since he lives in San Francisco, we met halfway - in San Mateo - for a late dinner at KingFish ("Eat like a king, drink like a fish." Yup). It was an entertaining enough date. We got along really well and had a lot to talk about. He works for a non-profit in the City, which helps underpriveleged teens and young adults turn their lives around. I wanted to ask him (and I am not being judgemental here, but it is probably important to know that he is African American) if he had previously been one of these "troubled, underpriveleged teens," but I didn't want to offend him, so I kept that question to myself. But honestly, he definitely fit the profile of a reformed gang member... just sayin.

Instead of talking about the thug life, we talked about things like where he went to college, sports (because I am such a sports nut, duh), our lives growing up in the Bay Area, etc. I learned that he played football in high school and college, he drives a black Mustang with black rims (that is where the CouldBeGhetto nickname originates from. That, and some of his profile pictures wearing wife beaters and diamond-studded sunglasses), and he went to college in Oregon. Educated, interesting, athletic... wait a second, this guy sounds like a winner, right? Yeah, a bi-winner!

I probably would have been excited for a second date, but he totally ruined his stud status by suggesting that we split the dinner bill! Ugh. Are you kidding? So now I'm out another $30 because this guy's mama never taught him manners. Or he's just really, really poor. Both serious possibilities. Both total turn-offs. So bitterly, I pulled out my wallet and threw down my credit card. He knew I was going to be out of town for my triathlon, so he told me to call him when I returned. Needless to say, I will not be making that phone call. Boo to you, Mr. Cheapskate! Final vote: dud.

Next, on Tuesday was Date #2 with NeedsToEatACheeseburger McMichigan. We met for a drink - yet another sign of this guy's penny-pinching as well... still no offer to take me to dinner - at an Irish bar in Mountain View. He was 25 minutes late. Steeeee-rike 2! I got there a few minutes early, ordered myself a drink and some dinner. (This place is known for their awesome happy hour, with cheap food and drinks, so I wanted to get my order in before happy hour ended, which was at 6:30. We were meeting at 6). When he finally strolled in at 6:25, I urged him to get his order in quickly before happy hour ended. He didn't seem to be worried. We ended up chatting for an hour. It felt forced and all I could think about was when it would be too soon to say, "Well, I've gotta get going..."

And, to make matters worse, I ended up paying for his drink, since I had put my card down at the bar when I was waiting for him to arrive. That's two dates in a row where I had to pay! What is up with that? I am clearly choosing the wrong men. It's pretty obvious that I am not into this guy. I could see myself being friends with him as we definitely had a similar sense of humor. But I am certainly not going to send out a friend request on Facebook. To be honest, this relationship is done-zo. Final vote: bud.

Finally, I had Date #1 scheduled with AwkwardSilences McUnprounceableFirstName on Wednesday. Two things went wrong with this "date." First, I had attended a conference earlier that day where there was some interesting "Chinese" food being served. I, being the fat girl that I am, served myself two helpings of the concoction. Mmmm it was tasty. Later that day, as my Night School class was coming to a close, I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to run to the toilet. I was about three seconds away from an unfortunate accident. Luckily, I made it. As to be expected, having a near-accident in your pants is not the way you want to be feeling just before your first date. So I called to see if we could reschedule. Now, this is partly where the second problem comes in.

His mannerisms on the phone reminded me a little too much of the late-January dating disaster, Geeky McEastSlow. Yep, that would be the one who announced his Special Ed status to me at the dinner table, just before he asked to take the bread to go. So after two three-minute-long awkward silencey phone conversations, I was starting to worry about the social skills of my upcoming date. And, on top of that, he had a first name that I absolutely could not figure out how to pronounce! Before even meeting this guy in person, I could tell that it wasn't going to work. I told him we would reschedule for this week, but I am not feeling it whatsoever. My spidey senses are certainly NOT tingling. Final vote: dud.

I honestly believe that the universe was speaking to me last week... it sent me three good reasons to taking a match.com hiatus. I am listening, universe!

Zoinks!

I must have been sending positive vibes out to the universe because I had very limited maction up until about a week ago, and then my account started blowing up with winks and emails. Not all of them are brag worthy (of course), but I did find a couple of diamonds in the rough. Well, maybe.

So yesterday afternoon, I went on an hour-long coffee date with NeedsToEatACheeseburger McMichigan. This guy isn't quite as skinny as Foody McGradSchool, but he could probably stand to put on a few pounds. I'll let his lack of body fat slide, though, as the guy is 6'5" - I can't imagine how much you might have to eat to sustain 6 feet, 5 inches of body mass. Actually, who am I kidding, I probably eat enough to sustain a 6'5" man's body mass... hence the reason I have never been referred to as "skinny" in my life... waaaaaaah, I am crying now!

Anyway, back to our date. It was really nothing to write home about. (Therefore, mom, that would be the reason why I did not bring it up at dinner last night.) He is a giant, which I love, with dirty blond shaggy hair - in fact, now that I think about it, he kind of reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I think he might have even been wearing brown corduroy pants - isn't that what Shaggy wears in the cartoon? And I wouldn't be surprised if he had smoked a bowl before showing up for our date. Hold on, let me check my sources: What do you think, Scoob? Zoinks! Ruh-roh! OK, good. Scoob says it's not the real Shaggy, so I will continue with my description. He has glasses, fair skin, and freckles. All in all, not bad to look at. He has this chill, Santa Cruz (hence the smoking reference above) vibe about him. Maybe even a little too chill. I mean, this guy could not have a care in the world! "Yeah, sure, whatever" was his standard response, and while I love a guy's chill nature, I also appreciate a guy who can make a firm decision. I know the pants look REALLY good on me, but I don't always want to be the one to wear them. Especially on our first date. That is YOUR job as the man, buster. Step up.

So conversation flowed really well. Witty banter back and forth. He made me laugh, I made him laugh. No awkward silences. Funny, interesting. And that's about it. There was nothing sparkly about the date. I felt like I was having coffee with an old friend. Or my brother. Yikes! That is not a good sign, is it? I want to like this guy because he has a lot of potenty - he, like me, is a teacher. His nickname, actually, should probably be TeachyMcTallGuy and then we would seem like the two most compatible people in the world. He would be the yin to my yang. But the truth is that he is not. We are not that compatible. We just happen to have a lot of things in common, including the same majors in college, but - sadly - that does not mean we are meant to be.

I left the date thinking, "Well, that was a fun use of an hour." I told him to call me if he wanted to hang out again. Since I have been the One-Date Wonder for the past several dates, I figured I would not hear from this guy again. But, alas! He texted me this afternoon: "hey Teachy, I had fun yesterday. Would u like to go out again this week?" I was shocked and kind of happy. I have broken the One-Date curse! It must have been those positive vibes I have been letting out into the universe. Perhaps because I am turning 21+10 this week and nothing makes me happier than celebrating my birthday! I am certain that happiness has been seeping through my pores and Mr. McMichigan sensed it. So, what was I to do? Turn down this perfectly nice gentlemen who clearly thinks I am an awesome, funny, and beautiful creature? No way, Jose! Instead, I agreed and we will be embarking on Date #2 on Wednesday night. Stay tuned! Current vote: Bud... but you never know!

What gives? Round 2.

So, Blondie and I went on a date on Saturday night to go see the critically acclaimed film, "Hall Pass." Blondie's choice, people, not mine. We arrived early so decided that the only way two old ladies like us would stay awake for the entirety of a 2-hour movie that starts at 8pm, would be if we grabbed a Starbucks, which is located just next-door to the movie theatre.

So we go in and Blondie, being the great date that she is, buys me my drink. Awww... I love my husband. As she's paying, I walk away to go stand next to the barista area - where people go to wait for their drinks. I literally have to squeeze past this man, who is on his cell phone, in order to get to the proper waiting area. As I am walking past, I hear him saying, "Hello? Uh... hello...?" and I think to myself that he is clearly talking to the person on the other end of the phone. Damn AT&T. But then I hear, "Natalie?" I spin around. I recognize him immediately but pretend that I have no idea who he is. "Hi," I say. Blondie is looking at my with a skeptical eye. I shoot a Fudge, this is awkward. Get me outta here look right back at her. "I believe we met on match," he says to me. Don't "I believe" me, Mister. You know my name! You very well know where we met. "Ohhhhhh..." I say, still shooting sideways glances at Blondie. Please save me. "What's your name?" I ask. Of course, I know his name. I think. "Winky McWhatGives" he responds. Duh. Of course it is.

Now let's rewind for a second. You all remember Winky McWhatGives, don't you? How could you forget? And let's say you have forgotten - I think then it's time you scroll through the archives and find the post entitled "What Gives" and you shall discover why the last thing I EVER wanted to do in my life EVER... was run into this guy in Starbucks.

"What are you doing here," he asks? "Oh, my friend, Blondie, and I are going to see a movie. You?" "Me, too! I am going to see 'Hall Pass.'" Yep. How did I know? Please don't ask if you can sit with us. Please don't ask if you can sit with us. He does not ask to sit with us, but he does continue to shoot the shit as he looks me up and down with hungry eyes (according to Blondie - "Did you SEE the way he was looking at you?"). Ugh. Finally, he asks if he can call me. I cannot reject this guy for, like, a fifth time in the middle of Starbucks when we are about to go sit in the same tiny movie theatre to watch the same lame movie as him. "Sure," I say, clearly with reluctance - clenched teeth and a quivering lip. He cannot sense my reluctance, though, because all he sees is this amazing aura of light around me. I am an angel sent from the heavens and our miraculously running into each other in Starbucks is surely a sign from God that we should be together. It is fate!

Finally, he realizes that I am on a date and he excuses himself to order his coffee. Blondie and I grab our drinks from the barista - why did they take SO LONG to make our drinks? Oh, right, because Blondie had to wait for her decaf coffee to brew. We literally run out of Starbucks. In the theatre, we sit as high up as possible and hide. BTW, this guy is alone. So he is clearly not getting a lot of hits on match.com. Gee, I wonder why? Thankfully, we never see him enter or exit the theatre. We make it out of there safely. *Phew!*

Fast-forward to Sunday night. I receive a phone call at 10pm (side note: do not call me at 10pm on a Sunday night. I am sleeping. Guaranteed). It wakes me up. It is Winky, who leaves a voice message. O.M.G. this guy is clueless. He says, "It was great running into you on Saturday night!" No it wasn't. He asks if we can catch up. I do not call him back. I will not call him back. Why is it the freaks who love me the most? Why? Why? WHY? Seriously, what gives? This vote has already been cast, but in case you need to be reminded: FREAK!

And now for the lightning-speed updates on the rest of my dating life:

1) Okie McDogRescuer never called. WAH! I liked him! Final vote: Bud.

2) MountainBiker McChristian also stopped calling. Aww shucks. But in reality... don't care. And, as it turns out, he is the SAME guy that NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate went on a date with about a year ago! Same thing happened to her! Clearly, this guy is NOT a keeper. And he has no type because McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate and I look nothing alike. Final vote: Dud.

3) Final update - not so lightning speed, though. This deserves a full explanation. So for a second, I was communicating with a new potenty: eHarmony McTayeDiggsLookalike. He was smokin'! We actually met on eHarmony late 2009 (clearly, I have tried them all, people. Multiple times. I never seem to learn my lesson). We went on one date to Starbucks. He was very handsome in person, but he was a flaky mctallguy for sure. At some point early last year, just before I started dating Douchey, he got "busy" and we stopped communicating (which was just texting, btw, because he didn't like talking on the phone. Hello, red flag)! So I get this email on match a week ago and it's from this guy. I could not remember his name. I am very upfront with him and I tell him that I am not looking for a text buddy and that if he is interested in a serious relationship, then he should call me. Oh, and btw, what's your name again? A couple of days later, I get a text from him: "Hey, what's up." Clearly, he did not get the message. In my text back I told him that he needed to ask me out on a date or we were done-zo. So he responds and asks if I would like to come over to his house and "chill." WHAT!? Are you serious? I tell him no, that I want to go on a real date. He is resistant but agrees that maybe we can meet at Rancho for a walk. Ahh... much more my style. We don't end up going on that date, though, because, WTF?, it is snowing in San Jose. Instead, we make plans to schedule something else later. FYI - still no phone call from this guy. I decide to hold out for him, though, because he is incredibly good looking.

So Tuesday afternoon comes around and I get a text from him. He asks me, again, if I want to go to house his and chill. OK, how much clearer can I be? NO! I want to go on a real date! I am angry and pretty much write that word for word. After about an hour of text arguing with him, he writes this: "I'll be upfront and candid... I have no intent of wining and dining anyone until I feel as if they are someone I have a mental and physical connection with and can see myself with."

I am so irritated by this point, so I write back (over a series of text messages): "How do you expect to ever make a connection with someone if you don't go on a date? I was never asking you to buy me fancy dinners. Meeting over coffee or for a drink works just fine. Or even talking to me on the phone. You do realize that there are creeps, rapists, and sex fiends on the internet, right? So when you ask a girl to come over to your house when you don't know her, you are going to come across as one of the above. It's not to say that you are one of the above, but you could be. How do I know? I am protecting myself when I ask to meet you in a public place." This is apparently funny to him because the message I get back says, "LOL." Yeah, I am sure you were laughing out loud.

"Though I get your point," he writes, "a rapist, sex fiend, or stalker is going to be the same person after one date or 100 dates... Look, I am not knocking your reluctance. I invited, you declined, it really isn't that big of a deal." He is right. And I am SO OVER HIM at this point. Even if he was Taye Diggs, I would have sent this same message back: "Ok well it's not going to work for me, so good luck!" And here is the kicker... His response: "K. Just let me know" HA! Now I am totally LOLing! Final vote: Idiot... er, I mean Dud.

There is nothing masculine about a phone date!

I am so sorry for the delay! I have been on vacay and have not had time to blog. But I know you're all dying for an update. So here goes...

Two weeks ago, I went on my first date with Okie McDogRescuer. Now, not only did I have low expectations for Okie, but I was also feelin' this other guy more (other guy being MountainBiker McChristian. More on him to come). So when he showed up to take me to lunch (yes, I broke my rule and gave him my address, but it just made more sense considering he was coming from Oakland and we were going to Mountain View for lunch), I was pleasantly surprised. He was much more good looking in person. His profile honestly didn't do him justice, and he was driving an orange Volkswagen GTI. Not really the color I'd pick, but I was definitely digging his choice in car. He ended up being funny and smart and we had a great date eating tapas and drinking sangria out in the beautiful Mountain View sunshine (this was, of course, before the weather turned nasty here in the Bay Area). This guy is DIFFERENT that's for sure. He's from Oklahoma but moved out here in the 90s for college (went to Cal) and now lives in Oakland. He reads instruction manuals cover to cover, rides motorcycles across the country with his dad, and rescued his dog (who was homeless and hanging around a restaurant he happened to be eating at) in New Mexico. I'm telling you, this guy surprised me. So... we've communicated a few times by text message since then, but no date #2 scheduled. I'm keeping my fingers crossed - I like this guy. Current vote: stud

So, MountainBiker McChristian was my top choice for a while. He seemed like a suuuuuper nice guy, owns his own house (which he remodeled with his dad, who's a contractor), is into sports and likes cooking. Sounds like a catch, eh? Well, I liked him a lot until I gave him my number and all he wanted to do was schedule dates to talk on the phone. And I don't mean just a short chat here and there, but we're talking hour-long, ear-reddening phone conversations. Ugh. I am so not into that. He had really interesting things to say... I think... but the truth is that with every conversation, I found myself snuggled up in bed and falling asleep by the end. What is it with dudes who like to talk on the phone!? Isn't that kind of feminine anyway? Phone dates are what I have with my friends who live out of town. You know, the ones I'm NOT capable of meeting for dinner or a drink...

So finally, after two painful hour-long conversations, in which I was yawning constantly, I asked him if he was going to take me on a date. He obliged. We ended up meeting for Happy Hour in downtown San Jose late last week (just before I took off on my vacay to Austin with Blondie McSmartyPants. We will do a joint blog post about this trip soon). Anyhoodle, the date was fine. He is a good looking guy, we had a lot to talk about and I felt like he was into me. But overall, I just felt kind of bored with him. I am kind of bored with our "relationship" in general. That's not a good thing, right? I am thinking I should give him one more chance. So if he asks me out on date #2, I'll go. But my vajay is sending clear signals here: nope. Semi-final vote: bud

But hang on to your pants... A hair-raising Austin update plus new potential stud-worthy write-ups are on the horizon.

Cowboy, take me away!

Yeeeee-haw! I'm back on the scene! And in preparation for my upcoming trip to Austin, I've got my eye on some cowboys.

I had a date this past Friday night with Nerdy McNeuro. He is a brain researcher. Honestly? What kind of job is that? I had to ask him what "brain plasticity" was, so it ain't no joke, this guy is a serious smarty mcnerdypants. But, as I told him on our date Friday night, I like nerds, as long as they're not socially awkward. "I'm working on it," he said. Oh boy.

I'll be honest, though, the date wasn't half bad. As per usual, he was a super nice guy - very sweet and polite (perhaps we can thank his good ol' Southern upbringing for that? Yep, this guy is a straight up Southerner, from Athens, Georgia; but unlike most Southerners, he is not a cowboy - booooo - does not have an accent, is not a card-carrying, gun-toting member of the NRA, and is actually a Democrat!) Lordy, I found me a jackpot! Except for the not being a cowboy thing. I want to see some boots and 10-gallon hats, people!

Anyway, we went to a restaurant in Cupertino and sat outside. (Side note: where else can you sit outside at 7:30pm in early February and enjoy a couple of drinks, without a heat lamp? I love you, California). So... we had a couple of drinks - he had some beers, I had some wines, and we ordered some appetizers. We chatted for a couple of hours and had a really nice time getting to know each other. I learned a little bit more about my brain and that trucks in California are even bigger than trucks in Georgia. The wannabe cowboys here feel they need to overcompensate, maybe? I also learned that R.E.M. and the B52s are from Athens, Georgia. Who knew?

I am finding that I like Southern men. They're polite, they're kind, and they're able to teach me about a whole new sub-culture in America. I'm down. Either way, while this guy was suuuuuper nice, he's also just a tiny bit socially awkward and I found that I was interested in getting to know him more as a friend than anything. IF he were to ask me out on a second date, I would probably say yes. He's the kind of guy who deserves that opportunity. However, the truth is that there really was no sexual chemistry, and my va-jay-jay is telling me that he's just not the one. Final vote: bud.

Coming up tomorrow: a description of my date with Okie McDogRescuer. This guy is a true Okie - not only is he originally from OKlahoma, but he now resides in OAKland. Could you get more Okie than that? OK! Stay tuned...

"I guess I'm calling to break up with you."

Well, I have been so busy NOT dating lately that I haven't even had time to post an update. Between date night with Blondie McSmartyPants, a ridiculously busy social life and Super Bowl Sunday, my life has been INsane! Not insane enough for me to forget about match.com, though. Don't you worry about that. I am still an active little dating bee.

But, I know you're all dying to know what is up with VBall McBulgarian, so here's an update. The last time I saw him was Wednesday night last week. It was our third date. He came over for a homecooked meal (mama always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Actually, mama never told me that, but I imagine that is something a mama might say) and for a game of scrabble. I am embarassed to report that he beat me at Scrabble. Yes, he is an English language learner (moved to the US in 1993) and he beat me, an English language learner teacher at Scrabble. It was terribly sad and embarassing, but it was completely not my fault! I swear to you, I picked the worst letters (all vowels) to have ever been picked in a Scrabble game. AND, despite the fact that he had all the high-scoring letters - Z, X, J, V, K - he still only beat me by 10 points, so I like to think that I redeemed myself.

But that is beside the point. At some point during the date, he breezily mentioned that he was interviewing for a new job... in Baltimore. "WHAT!?" I believe I did actually shout it just like that with both an exclamation point and a question mark. I thought it was odd that he would bring this up on our third date and then try to nonchalantly pass it off as something that "probably won't happen, but..." Ummm ok, buddy. Just cut to the chase. But still things continued on as normal. He asked when he would see me again, we snuggled on the couch and watched TV, he kissed me good night. All seemed great.

But then, on the day of our next scheduled date (two days later, AKA last Friday night), he texted me to cancel, claiming he would call me the next day (yeah, right). Bummer. Big time. I was really, really, really, really starting to like this guy. SO, of course, I immediately tell Blondie about my devastating news and she decides that the only way to make things better is to go out and get drunk. I agreed.

We went to our favorite neighborhood bar, Blue Max, in Sunnyvale. Doesn't the name just sound fun and intriguing? It is... If you like old people who are REALLY into karaoke. I was feeling so pumped about karaoking and boozing it up that I must have been oozing positive energy as I got two calls three minutes apart from two new match.com boyfriends. (And, as it turns out, I wasn't really that sad about McBulgarian because I tried to cry about it on my way home from work that afternoon, but only managed to squeeze out about three tears!) It is true, ladies, life does go on.

Meanwhile, at the Blue Max, Blondie and I enjoyed a plethora of Miller Lights (at $3 a pop) and I indulged in singing an exorbitant amount of karaoke songs (some good - a "Need You Now" duet with my good friend, Texy McAmericanIdol; some OK - my go-to crowd pleaser "Take it on the Run" by REO Speedwagon; and some bad - Blondie and I attempting to belt out Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" as a symbolic gesture of our singledom). That, combined with a heavenly French dip sandwich from Adamson's made it a truly excellent night.

Next afternoon, I get a phone call from McBulgarian. Believe it or not, he is in that rare class of dudes who actually calls when he says he will. WOW! After a minute or two of "catching up," he breaks the news: "Looks like I'm moving to Baltimore." "WHAT!?" Only this time I don't shout that out. I am the breezy one now. "Oh wow, you got the job?" I am so breezy, it gives him chills. And the best part? He then says, "So I guess I'm calling to break up with you." HA! "You can't break up with me," I say. "We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend." He chuckles. We talk a little bit about how much it is going to suck to move from California to Baltimore (isn't that place the armpit of the U.S.?) and then we say our final goodbyes. It was sad. I hung up the phone and shed one final tear. Then, I went into my itunes, found my WhiteSnake album and pressed play. Story of my freaking' life.

Sing along, everybody: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again..."

Final vote: bud.

"Will get you to wear heels next time to compensate" Eew, no you won't!

Four updates for your reading pleasure:

1) Monday night I had dinner with my ex, Youngster McFriendlyGiant. This was not, as Blondie wanted it to be, a date where he confessed that he was still in love with me and wanted to get back together. Thank God, because that would have been awkward. Instead, it was two old friends getting together and catching up. We had a really nice time. No vote necessary, as this guy has been and always will be a bud.

2) Last night, as you know (and I'm sure have been anticipating), I was supposed to meet Ballsy McIndian for coffee. However, as the day progressed, my anxiety about having to go and meet this guy steadily increased. I got cold feet. So after consulting with both Blondie and HeyTallGirl, I came to the conclusion that the best option, in this instance, was to cancel the date. I played around with a number of different ways to cancel, but decided that just keeping it short and sweet would be the best way to deal with this.

I know some of you are disappointed that I didn't meet Ballsy for coffee "for the sake of the blog," but I just couldn't do it. Honestly, what would be the point? It would have been a big waste of my time and I couldn't bare to do that - waste my time. I just don't have enough of it. And you will see, by reading the text below, that I actually dodged a big shiny bullet by canceling on that date.

Yep, that's THREE separate text messages you see there, including one that clearly reinforces his tall girl fetish. Oh boy. It is official, this guy is a total, major, absolute FREAK!

3) Speedy McSwede called me on Monday night while I was out with Youngster. He didn't leave a message, so I called him back on my way home. We chatted for a few minutes ("How was your day." "Terrible." Wow, Debbie Downer much, Mr. McSwede? I jokingly wanted to say, "Could anything else go wrong?"). Finally, he got to the point and asked me out on a second date. After that Ey-ore conversation we'd just had, I considered saying "No thanks" but thought I should maybe give him another chance. And since my schedule is so packed this week, our only option was Sunday. So, Sunday will be date #2 with Speedy McSwede. Should be a rip-roarin' good time!

4) Also while I was out with Youngster, I got a call from another potenty who lives in SF. His name, for lack of creative inspiration, will be LovesFood McSanFrancisco. So far, our email interactions have been about restaurants we love and the Giants winning the World Series. Not bad. I had some doubts about him after listening to his gravelly "uh"-laden voicemail message, but after playing it for Blondie and my friend, NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola, they both decided I was being overly critical and that he actually didn't sound "slow" ("It sounds like he is getting over a cold," NicestFriend said. Of course, because she is so nice), as I initially classified him. So, I called him back (one full day later) and we made tentative plans to go to a restaurant he recommended in San Francisco this weekend. I need to call him back on Thursday to confirm. Can someone PLEASE remind me!?

All in all, things have slowed down a bit on Match. We'll see how things play out with all of my aforementioned McDudes (including Mr. McBulgaria who hasn't called me yet this week). And if nothing pans out, I'll get to winking again...

No, he's not a Viking

OK, I had two dates this weekend. The first was on Friday night and it was with Speedy McSwedester. All in all, this was an OK date. It was neither spectacular nor terrible. As per pretty much all of my dates, Speedy was a nice guy. My free dinner count went up another notch (Thank you Mr. McGentleman), which I really appreciate, but other than the fact that he was nice to look at and his Swedish accent sometimes caused him to mis-pronounce words (which I giggled at in my head each time he said them), there wasn't much else super interesting going on with Speedy. Of course, my friends have had fun making fun of me for going out with "a Viking" as they like to refer to him. "How was your date with Sven?" (not his name), my roommate, Triathlete McHouseHusband asked me. "How's Olaf?"(also not his name), was one I got from my other roommate - Skinny McBride-to-Be's dad (who is in town visiting for a couple of weeks). So, to spare you the trouble of even asking, the answer, people, is NO - we did not go to Ikea and have Swedish meatballs for dinner. And, NO - he wasn't listening to Bjork in his car. And, NO - he's not a Norseman.

Instead of Ikea (which, btw, of course I asked him if he frequents, and he says he DOES go there sometimes for the pickled Herring. Eeew), we actually met at a wine bar in Downtown Mountain View. We each enjoyed a flight of wine and some hummus, which he paid for with a Yelp! coupon (!!!), and this - I have to say - is actually something I really liked about the guy. A frugal man is a man after my own heart. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to get dinner. Who am I to turn down dinner? Of course I said yes! We went to a Chinese restaurant across the street, which he was super excited about because he had spent some time in China. In my opinion, he was just a little obsessed with Chinese food. He got these big bug eyes when he was looking at the menu and he was practically salivating all over the table. But, to each his own. We ordered TONS of food and I ate WAY TOO MUCH (I paid for it the next morning), but it was super delicious. And, dinner was on him. Score!

So, on our date, I learned that he just moved here from Sweden in September and this is his first time living anywhere other than Sweden. That sounds like a pretty big move, right? Well, when I asked him if it was hard for him to leave his friends and family, he said, "Would it be bad if I said, 'No.'" I laughed uncomfortably and said, "Of course not!" But that is a lie! Yes, it's bad, you cold-hearted abandoner! And that's when I knew it wouldn't work. Blondie McSmartyPants told me once that she read in one of her ever-growing collection of dating advice books that the reason a guy doesn't call you back is often not the reason you think (he's not attracted to you, he had a terrible time on the date), but it's actually more often based on something you said that didn't click or resonate with him or made him go, "Hmmmm..." In this case, with Speedy, I think it was this comment about not having a problem leaving his friends and family that made me go, "Hmmmm..." If I up and moved myself to Sweden one day, let me tell you this right now, I would be a DISASTER, crying for years probably, because I missed my friends and family so much. So, between his black heart and awkward, one-word responses to some of my questions ("Do you like red wine?" "Yes." "Are you close with your family?" "No." "Is pickled Herring tasty?" "Yes." Come on dude, throw me a bone here!), my final vote is simply going to have to be: Bud.

Now, last night's date, with VolleyBaller McBulgarian was a much more promising experience. We went to an Indian restaurant in Santa Clara that I recommended ("I know a really good Indian restaurant in Santa Clara" - say that with an Indian accent, please). He had mentioned in his profile that he loved Indian food, so in our email exchanges, we discussed our favorites in the area. He had never been to this one and - as I suspected - he was impressed. I told him that you can always tell it's a good Indian restaurant if there are actually lots of Indian people eating there. We were seriously SURROUNDED by McIndians. Except for one McAfrican who was sitting behind us. So the place was for sure legit.

One judgmental side note: so I could sort of tell from his profile pics that his hair was a little thin on top, but when I saw him in person, I noticed some serious balding action. Thankfully, bald is the new boyfriend and I don't actually care about a dude's hair (unless it is long and stringy. No Allman Brothers wannabes, thank you very much), so that didn't bother me in the slightest. Plus, he rocked it.

Overall, our date was pretty great. But when I attempted to rate my date over the phone last night with Blondie, I at first gave it a B+. I don't know why, except maybe for the fact that I am scared to rate any dates too high because then I run the risk of getting let down later on down the road. She slapped me upside the head through the phone, though, and told me the date should at least be given an A-. And she's right. Here's why: 1) He's cute. 2) He laughed at my jokes. 3) He made me laugh. 4) He's 6'5". Enough said. 5) He profiled me based on my astrological sign (WHAT? I know! That should totally be #1, right? AND, here's the best part. He was right! He was like, "You're a natural leader because you're an Aries." He's a Taurus, btw. In case you were wondering). 6) He paid for dinner (Oh, and here's a tip for you ladies - the best way to guarantee your date will pay for dinner is to get up and go to the bathroom just as or just before the bill comes. This way there is no akwardness and you don't have to take out your wallet and even pretend like you're going to pay! It's genius and works every time). 7) He asked if I wanted to go out again way before our date was even over. 8) He walked me to my car. Awwwww. I like him. We have a second date scheduled for Saturday afternoon. Right now, he's ranking pretty high on the stud-o-meter, but no votes just yet. We'll see how date #2 goes...

Three strikes and you're OUT!

*Sigh*

This was an eventful and emotionally draining weekend, and for a brief moment (approximately 1 hour), I gave up on match.com. But I did some thinking and I'm ready to get back out there.

So here's what happened...

Strike 1: Friday night, I had my first date with Whitey McMidwest. Oh man, over text message, he was the perfect guy. And I had really high hopes for this one because we really seemed to connect and, in his words, "it [felt] like we already [knew] each other." Our first conversation over the phone lasted for one hour! That conversation took place on Saturday, January 7th and we made plans that day to do dinner and bowling the upcoming Friday night. Each day following, Whitey texted me and we had riveting textersations. We seemed to have so much in common, including an intense love for the show, Jersey Shore. He would text me things like, "Friday couldn't come sooner" or "I can't wait to meet you" in addition to things like, "We should do this..." or "We should go there together..." Things that, as a vulnerable single woman who tends to read into things sometimes, I was weary of getting excited about.

I've been in the non-relationship before where the guy talks up all the great things we're going to do together and then dumps me for some unexplained reason (before, of course, any of those things ever happen). So in order to prevent myself from getting too excited about Whitey, I continuously responded to his comments of "We should..." with, "We'll have to see how Friday goes!" No one wants to set themselves up for disappointment. I've done it before and I am learning not to read into everything a guy says.

So, with that in mind, we meet for our date Friday night. We enjoy a nice dinner and split a bottle of wine. We have great conversation - talk, laugh, learn about each other. It's nice. I feel like it's going well. After dinner, we head to the bowling alley and we bowl two games. When our games are over, he suggests we hang out in the bar where karaoke is about to begin. We are having a fantastic time. He doesn't appear to be bored nor disgusted with me as a person. Phew! Then, nearly five hours after it began, we finally decide to end the date. As we walk out, he gives me a small kiss on the lips, tells me he had a great time, and that he'll call me. I leave feeling excited and optomistic. I am even more optomistic when he texts me to tell me he's excited to do all those things we had talked about doing "after Friday." I smile as I fall asleep.

Fast-forward to the weekend. I do not hear from him. I become Crazy. I am even crying at some points because I do not understand WTF is going on. Three days go by and I finally hear from him on Monday evening when I get this text: "I've been doing some thinking and I just don't think we're a good match after all. I've had fun getting to know you and wish you the best of luck!" Don't cry for me because here's the honest truth: when he didn't call me for three days, I already knew that that was the text I'd be getting. It's called Women's Intuition and it involves the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know something isn't going right. Ladies, DO NOT IGNORE THIS FEELING! It is real! No, something didn't happen to his phone. No, he's not just busy with his buddies. No, he didn't die suddenly. No no no. He is just not that into you (even though the guy who wrote that book is an asshole, he's right!) And only God knows the reason why he's not into you. But don't obsess over that either. Just do what you can to overcome the Crazy, and then move on.

So after a few tears shed - not over a simple white guy from the midwest, but over the disappointment of another lost possibility of finding love - that's exactly what I did. I moved on. Final vote, obviously: bud.

Strike two: I went on a first date with Foody McGradSchool on Saturday afternoon. I was not feeling nearly the connection with Foody that I did with Whitey, but who am I to turn down a free meal, right? I broke my first date rule and agreed to let him pick me up because he was driving all the way down to Sunnyvale from San Bruno. I found this guy interesting because he had a very positive outlook on life and he seemed to be really spiritually centered. I find that attractive, as long as it isn't too in-your-face. When this guy picked me up, I'll admit that he definitely looked like he did in his profile pictures, except for the fact that he was probably 100 times skinnier. I have actually never seen a skinnier man in my life. He was a beanpole. When he turned sideways, he disappeared. I felt like a giant beast next to this guy.

Other than his lack of body fat, I found him to be attractive and genuinely nice. We drove to a local Mexican restaurant. He had a white Acura with Dr. Dre playing on the stereo and it was at this moment that some things he had said in previous conversations ("I grew up in parts of Daly City and Vistacion Valley, near Hunter's Point," and "Growing up in the projects..." - btw, this is the whitest guy you've ever seen) caused me to realize that this guy is San Francisco's Slim Shady. He even had the ghetto driving swagger down, with the seat tilted back, extreme lean to the right, resting practically the entire right side of his body on the center console (which, btw, put his head about two inches from mine), and just one arm - his left one - draped loosely over the steering wheel. Man, this guy really IS from the projects, I thought. Oh, and did I mention that he was practically sagging his jeans all the way down to his thighs? I could not tell if he was going for the gangsta style or if he simply couldn't keep his pants up on his 25-inch waist.

At the restaurant, we enjoy a lovely meal and talk about many things, including how we are both really, really RIDICULOUSLY good at Words with Friends. So he asks me what my user name is and we have been playing since that afternoon (I am beating him). We even have a candid conversation about what it's like to be on match.com, dating multiple people at once, etc. I like how honest our conversation is. After lunch, he drives me back to my place, gives me a hug, and we say our goodbyes. Overall, no sparks, but a nice date. Final vote: bud.

Strike three: As you may recall, this weekend I was supposed to have Date #3 with Flaky McTallGuy. Well, guess what? Yep, that's right - he flaked. I had pretty much decided I was over him by midweek when I hadn't heard from him. Then, Wednesday night, he sent me a message. We texted back and forth for a bit until he finally asked, "What time on Saturday?" I told him anytime after 5pm. "I have plans at 7," he texts back. "What about Sunday?" Seriously!? Ugh, this is the flakiest guy I have ever met! I agreed to Sunday even though I was thinking, "You are a loser and I am done with you." A couple of days go by until he texts, then calls me at approximately 11:30pm on Saturday night. I had just arrived home from my date with Whitey. He shoots the shit for a bit until I start yawning. Sorry dude, but I am exhausted and have to get up hella early for Saturday morning triathlon practice. He tells me he has some ideas for what we'll do on Sunday and that he'll call to finalize plans. "Ok, sounds good. Good night."

Flaky seems to know when I am on a date with another guy because that always seems to be the time he calls or texts. So just as my date with Foody is ending on Saturday afternoon, I get a call from Flaky. I don't answer, of course, but listen to the voicemail when I get home." I am not surprised by what it says: "Hi Natalie... I've been thinking about things for a couple of days now and I feel like there's sort of a friend vibe coming down and I don't know if it's just bad timing for me or what, but I think you're a great girl and blah blah blah..." And then, at the end of the message, he says, "So let me know your thoughts." REALLY!? What, like I'm going to call you back and say, "NO! There's no friend vibe! You must take me out on Sunday!?" Whatever dude. I texted him back to say, "I agree" and told him to have a good life. But what I really wanted to say was: 1) grow a pair and don't leave something like that on a voicemail; 2) I think you might be gay (for real, I need to figure out how to post a snippet of a voicemail); and 3) learn how to manage your schedule so you aren't so flaky, you bonehead. But I decided to be nice. This time. he did text me back saying, "You are smart, funny, and have a lot going for you. Take care." Barf. Final vote: bud.

So now you might be thinking - well, three strikes and you're out, right? That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. For a second, I was totally down in the dumps. I wanted to give up on dating, give up on men altogether. BUT THEN... Blondie McSmartyPants gave me some good advice. After showing me an excerpt from a book she's planning to read (My Half Orange by Amy Spencer, which I will be reading as well), she decided that our problem is not that we can't find the men of our dreams, but that we're not putting all of our effort into attracting them. And she's right. I've got to focus on what I really want and use the power of optismism to attract Mr. Right. It WILL happen, I just know it.

Bud or stud? That is the question...

It's the post you've all been waiting for! Last night I had Date #2 with Flaky McTallGuy. He's still tall, but I am considering a new first name nickname because he ain't so flaky anymore! He has totally redeemed himself.

We met in downtown Mountain View at a Chinese Restaurant that he chose, which ended up being super tasty - but, honestly, I am not one to judge when it comes to food. Actually, let me rewind for a second and tell you why he chose the restaurant. This is a good story.

It's mid-December, phone call #1 and we are setting up date #1. "Where should we meet?" I ask him. "Well, I'll let you make some suggestions... I'm not really a 'traditional' guy who has to make all the decisions for the couple," he says. I ponder this for a moment. Then, I am not quite sure where I get the balls, but I reply with: "Or you could just be a man and pick a place..." Yikes! I cannot stop myself from saying it and I regret it the instant it comes out. Where is the "Smart Ass ON/OFF button when I need it? I think for sure that it's going to be the end of our conversation, but he just laughs and says, "OK, I'll see what I can come up with."

Then, on date #1, he brings up the conversation! He's like, "Hey remember when you told me to be a man and pick a restaurant?" I giggle nervously. "I like that you did that. Sometimes I need to be put in my place."

Holy. Shiznit.

So, after passing the smart-ass test with Flaky, I felt really hopeful about this relationship. And after last night's date... I am feeling even more hopeful. Again, we had good conversation, he laughed at my jokes, and we even had some awkwardly serious discussions. There are many things about our dates that tend to be awkward - like when we went to leave and I had to tap the guy sitting behind me on the shoulder to ask him to get up and move his chair because he was sitting on my jacket - but I kind of like that because it keeps things interesting. Even though at this point he feels more like a "bud" than a "stud," I'm going to continue seeing him because I think there is potential for growth here. Perhaps Date #3 on Saturday will be the defining moment in our relationship. Will he finally cross that line from bud to stud? Will he be The One? Or at least The One For Now? We shall see.

Current vote: Bud, teetering on the edge of stud.

getiin' busy

Last night I went on the first of four dates I have scheduled this week - it's time to get busy.

I was weary of this date from the start, but I wasn't going to worry myself about it because I made a decision when I joined match.com that I was going to give every guy a chance. OK, maybe not every guy, but definitely the guys that I felt I might be able to connect with.

Sweety McAspergers was a really sweet guy. I knew that from the start. He was open, honest, and funny. The only glitch: he was a texter. I don't mind texters, really, but only if the texts are every now and then followed by a phone call. But for over a week, the phone call never came. Everyday, like clockwork, Sweety would text me. It started to get frustrating. I have enough real people in my life that I can text with. An imaginary boyfriend is not what I'm looking for (although that reminds me of the great business idea that D, A, M and I came up with at brunch several months ago...). So eventually I asked him if there were ever going to be plans to go out on a date. He assured me that there would be, but those plans were still not made. He continued to text.

Finally, one evening after work, he called me. I picked up the phone and when he started talking, I realized there was a second glitch (and also, perhaps, the reason he hadn't called me sooner): there was something off about him. Was it Asperger's? I am not quite sure how else to put it, but he sounded just the teensiest bit socially awkward. Or maybe a lot socially awkward. And then it hit me - the reason why he hadn't called me sooner. He - like most texters - was hiding behind his phone. In written form, he was a communication pro. But in spoken form, Asperger's. I didn't want to deny him a date just because he didn't quite sound the way I thought he would, so I agreed to go out with him last night.

He picked an Indian restaurant (which apparently he frequents regularly) in Cupertino. It was fine by me - I will eat pretty much anything. So after some extreme car issues (car wouldn't start, C - our house husband - wasn't home to jump it for me and wasn't responding to my texts to let me borrow the Prius, so I had no choice but to steal his car. Sorry, C!), I headed to the restaurant. As I walked up to the place - which looked more like a cafeteria than a restaurant - I discovered glitch #3 (and the reason, perhaps, he didn't ask me out sooner): Awkward McDorkerson. Don't get me wrong, I love dorks. But this guy was dork to the extreme. And not just that, he looked kind of dumpy. He was wearing some 1989-era faded light blue jeans, a faded greyish long-sleeve sweater-shirt (maybe it used to be black?), and his hair looked like he shook his head when he came out of the shower and then never touched it again. I am generally not very picky about the way someone dresses (unless, of course, he is wearing a denim blazer. Completely unacceptable), but when a guy shows up to the first date in that, which is - technically - the best he can do, then I am just at a loss for words.

The date went fine. He held true to my original judgements of him - very sweet, honest, nice, and so on. But I just did not feel the attraction. And I kind of blame myself here. His profile featured just one picture of him (no doubt taken five or six years ago) and one picture of his dogs (super cute goldens). A word from the wise, ladies: if a guy has just one picture of himself, it probably means he has either let himself go, OR that pic just happens to be the one flattering pic of himself in his repertoire. DON'T FALL FOR THE ONE-PIC TRICKSTERS! He did text me to ask if I wanted to go out again. I feel bad saying no, so I agreed to coffee week after next (I am too busy with other dates this week and have no free time!). After coffee, I will let him down gently. Final vote: bud

In other dating news, I've got Date #2 scheduled for tonight with Flakey McTallGuy (tonight will determine whether or not his nickname gets changed.) So far, he has been redeeming himself with various phone calls and text messages. And now we are Facebook friends, which makes me more nervous than anything, but I am prepared to change my privacy settings!

Tuesday night is a first date with Foody McGradSchool. He seems fairly normal. He's a San Francisco native and worked in the restaurant biz for many years. I am a fan of foodies because that means they will pick really good first-date restaurants. He is currently in a counseling psychology grad program and hopes that this year will be "the most powerful year" of his life. I like that. he seems smart and thoughtful. He called me on Friday evening and we talked for about a half hour. It was good conversation. No Asperger's-ness, so I'm happy.

And then Friday night I have a first date with Whitey McMidwest. I like this guy. He was born in L.A. but moved to Illinois when he was 13. He went to the University of Illinois (where his mom works) and moved here to work in HR at Cisco. He's a big guy - 6'4", a few extra pounds, but also very active. he plays in a co-ed softball league and apparently is an avid bowler. I don't mind big guys, as long as they are not obese. Sometimes it's just genetics and it's not like I'm a super small girl. Either way, I am excited to meet him. He called me yesterday and we talked for an hour! It went by super quickly and I didn't even realize we were on the phone that long. So that's a really good sign.

All in all... three potentially stud-worthy dates coming up. My match.com fortune just might be turning around. It's about time!

he thinks he's a stud, but...

So tonight I have date #2 with Funny McJokester. Date #1: coffee at Starbucks followed by a jaunt through Borders. We had fun browsing the books and I bought a Ghost Hunters book that he recommended. I am super obsessed with those paranormal shows, like Ghost Hunters, and this is a book written by the two guys who started the T.A.P.S. (The Atlantic Paranormal Society) team, so it was a great recommendation.

There are some really great things about him. He's super funny, we have great rapport, and I feel oddly comfortable around him, like I've known him for a long time. However, he's dancing on an extremely thin line between stud and bud and there's really only one reason for that. He is too into me.

I know that I should be happy to have a dude who really likes me and who is very vocal about his feelings for me, but I have some issues with dudes who are into me after only two dates. 1) we don't know each other. 2) there is no challenge. I don't have to get him to like me. He already does. That is SOO boring!

So I am doing my best to go on this date with an open mind. I want him to be a stud. But my current vote is: Bud. We shall see...

So many duds, so little studs

I've been match.coming for about a month now, so I have a list of duds to write about. I am crossing my fingers that some studs will appear, but it's not looking so hopeful...

So the first date I went on was with BoringMcAfrican. Straight up, this guy was a DUD. We met at Starbucks and I yawned at least three times. While maybe it's because this date took place over a month ago, I simply cannot think of a single thing he said. No, I take that back! I do remember that he was from some unpronounceable country in Africa. He was good looking enough, but I fell asleep almost immediately after sitting down - and I was drinking caffeinated coffee! I bounced out of there ASAP (I said I had somewhere to be at 7pm) and I even managed to convince him NOT to walk me to my car. The best part: he emailed me a couple of days later and said, "I am not sure if we are a good match." REALLY? So I emailed him back and said, "I agree. You were way too boring for me." He never wrote back. Final vote: Dud

Next was Stalky McLuver. I really liked him at first. We met at a Vietnamese restaurant for Pho and had good conversation. There were two issues, though. 1) whenever I made jokes, he seemed to be laughing at me rather than with me. I felt a little bit like a circus freak or the court jester, like my soul purpose in his life was to entertain him and make him laugh. "Silly girl, do it again!" 2) He did not pay for dinner. When the bill came, it sat there for a while until I awkwardly said, "Should we split it?" "Yeah, yeah, that sounds good," he said. I begrudgingly pulled out my Visa card. So much for a free meal.

Things got really awkward on our second date. I decided to give him a second chance, despite the above-mentioned problems. So for date #2, we went to a wine bar on a rainy night and shared a bottle of wine. After about ten minutes, he inched as close to me as possible and then picked up my hand to hold it. Romantic? Maybe it should have been. But it was not. He continuously touched me, rubbed my legs, arms, hands, shoulders, neck, back. It was creepy. After the date (I had to cut it short because I was dog-sitting and needed to walk the dog), as he walked me to my car, he stopped me near a parking garage and kissed me with way-too-intense passion. I pulled away and told him I had to go. He pulled me closer. So I had no choice but to tug him in the direction of my car. Awkward goodbye kiss.

Even though my vajajay was telling me he was not the guy for me, I decided to give him one more chance. I figured if he liked me that much, I should try to like him back. Big mistake. Huge. So there was one major issue that was really bothering me about him, other than the fact that he practically molested me on our wine date. Every text message he sent me started or ended with "luv". "Hey luv, hope you're having a fantastic day." "Don't worry, luv, you can call me later." "Thanks, luv." Is it a term of endearment? Sure. Should he already have one for me after knowing me for two weeks? I don't think so.

So the next time I see him it's Christmas Eve. I told him I had to literally "squeeze him in" if he wanted to see me. He didn't seem to mind. We met for coffee at a Starbucks in my 'hood, next to the Borders where I was thinking of doing some Christmas shopping. I bought my own coffee cuz he was late. I was hoping he wouldn't show up. He showed up. Ugh. After I finished my coffee (he didn't get any. He prefered to just sit next to me and stare into my enticingly beautiful brown eyes), he suggested we walk around the complex. So we took a stroll around the complex, which included a grassy area that led to some apartments. I told him we had ten minutes to walk because I needed to get going on my Christmas shopping. When we got to the grassy area, he pulled me aside for another aggressive kiss. I knew right then that I wasn't into him. I pulled away and told him I had to go and squirmed my way to my car, but not before he stopped me, looked into my eyes and said, "I'm falling for you." WHAT!? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! I said nothing. He also said, "I'm going to miss you." (he was leaving for Houston a couple of days later), "are you going to miss me?" "Suuuuure," I said. Then I got in my car and drove away.

I knew I had to reject him, but I felt bad. So after a couple of days, I sent him a message telling him that while I think he's great, I just don't think he's the one for me. Luckily, he took it well and I have not received a text message with the word "luv" in it ever since. Except from Franny. Final vote: Bud

I'll end this post with one more date: Flaky McTallGuy. I really had high hopes for Flaky. He was tall, smart, funny (he laughed with me and not at me), well-educated (went to Dartmouth), and even a little dorky, which is perfect for me. He had lived in a LA for a while and worked as a reality TV blog writer, which I thought was super cool. He was definitely a man after my own heart. Our date took place about a week before Christmas. We ate Sushi, had great conversation, and he PAID. Yes! Finally a free meal! And he walked me to my car afterwards. He asked me if I had a good time and if I wanted to do it again. I said, "Yes!" He said he would call me and gave me the tiniest little kiss on the lips. I knew he was leaving for New York a couple of days later, so I didn't expect a second date to happen before he left. But he did call and text me a few times, which made me think that he was still interested. Am I wrong to assume that?

He left for New York and texted me throughout the holiday - sent me a picture of his parents' house covered in snow, texted me updates about his return date (he was delayed two days because of airport closures), etc. But when he returned, he scheduled two "potential" dates with me, then canceled both times, claiming he was tired or busy. On New Year's Eve he sent me this text: "Sorry I have been no fun lately! Hope you have a great night tonight." Ummmm, ok, what does that mean? I haven't heard from him since. I am bummed because I thought he was a good match for me. But I guess maybe to him I was just a bud? Oh well, on to the next! Final vote: Bud

are you a stud?

Welcome to buds, duds, and duds - our match.com dating adventures blog!

We are EyeBrows, Blondie, HeyTallGirl, and Teachy - four working women looking for love.

We're here to find us some huzzzbands. Since men don't seem to be appearing out of thin air, and since we can't dream Mr. Right into existence, we've all decided to take the plunge and join match.com. Our ultimate goal: to find the loves of our lives. Our secondary goal: to have fun, meet men, and come up with some pretty awesome nicknames. Our final goal: to get as many free meals as humanly possible.

Here's how it will work: each of us will document our dating adventures - from winks to full-on makeout sessions. Then, when the time comes, we will rank the men based on this scientific classification:

Is he...
-a bud: Is he nice, smart, funny, cuddly even? Do you care if he sees you without your makeup? Does he like to watch "America's Next Top Model" with you? Yep, I hate to break it to ya, but he's just a bud.

-a dud: Did somebody say "BOOOOORRRR-RING!?" Did he talk to much? Make you fall asleep? Make you wish you were at home with a carton of Haagen Dazs watching "The Bachelor" with your bud? Yikes, then he's a dud.

OR...

-a stud: Does he make you swoon? Do you get all googly-eyed when you talk about him? Is he a sexy beast? HELLA YEAH, that guy's a stud!

So if you're looking for some voyeuristic fun, dating vicariously through the three of us, then check back on this blog. We've got six months of membership to rant about. Don't make us get crazy!

xoxo,
Your Dating Professionals