It's time for a hiatus

Maybe I should take a page from Blondie's book and rewrite my profile. It's probably about time, don't you think? I tell myself yes, that there are lots of things I need to do. But right now I am feeling the teensiest bit burnt out. OK, I lie. I am completely burnt out. And not just from match.com dating, but from numerous facets of my life.

To begin, my job is challenging. I am about 3/4 of the way through my second year of full-time teaching and it ain't easy, people. I am feeling the burn! With four different courses to prep for and very little time in the day, my brain is constantly working. To be honest, I don't think my brain has worked this hard in years - not even when I was in grad school and certainly not when I was in my last job!

Next, I am in the process of looking for a new place to live. While this is not an emotionally difficult thing to do (it is actually an opportunity that I am really excited about), it is a very time-consuming and brain-using activity. I never knew I would have to use my brain so much outside of work! I always thought leaving work meant turning the brain off in order to make room for crappy reality television. Boy, was I wrong!

Finally, I just finished "training" and "competing in" a triathlon. I use the term "training" and "competing" loosely because I actually did hardly anything, physically, to prepare for this triathlon. But since I was serving as a support staff member, my duties this training season extended beyond simply just exercising. Those duties required brain power and other acts that are a step up from vegging in front of the TV.

So with these things in mind, I am simply exhausted. Beat. Mowed down. Who has time, after all that, for online dating? Not me. And that's clear in my actions. I am not blogging as much as I once was. I am waaaay less enthusiastic about my dating adventures. I am not oozing with positive energy. I am canceling on dates for no good reason. And I am, as per usual, trying to squeeze 25 hours of activity out of one 24-hour day. I am making life miserable for myself. I know and you know that I will never find a huzband like this.

So I've decided - after the three dates that I had scheduled for last week (see what I mean???) - that now is a good time to take a break. It won't be a super long break, I promise! But it will be a break that will last long enough to get me through post-triathlon soreness and team wrap-up, and to get me caught up with work - I will grade every single paper that has been turned in to date! Thankfully, the apartment hunting is already on hold until it gets closer to our move-in date, which isn't until July. What is important here is that I focus my energy in the right place. And right now, that is not on match.com. I will let Blondie take over the blogging for a while. I know y'all need to have your minds satiated with the exciting details of some poor single lady's dating life, so Blondie... it's all you!

But before I go, let me fill you in on last week's maction... To begin, my strong desire to take a break from match.com made going on my dates feel more like burdens than exciting adventures. So, I had Date #1 with CouldBeGhetto McPoorGuy on Monday night last week. Since he lives in San Francisco, we met halfway - in San Mateo - for a late dinner at KingFish ("Eat like a king, drink like a fish." Yup). It was an entertaining enough date. We got along really well and had a lot to talk about. He works for a non-profit in the City, which helps underpriveleged teens and young adults turn their lives around. I wanted to ask him (and I am not being judgemental here, but it is probably important to know that he is African American) if he had previously been one of these "troubled, underpriveleged teens," but I didn't want to offend him, so I kept that question to myself. But honestly, he definitely fit the profile of a reformed gang member... just sayin.

Instead of talking about the thug life, we talked about things like where he went to college, sports (because I am such a sports nut, duh), our lives growing up in the Bay Area, etc. I learned that he played football in high school and college, he drives a black Mustang with black rims (that is where the CouldBeGhetto nickname originates from. That, and some of his profile pictures wearing wife beaters and diamond-studded sunglasses), and he went to college in Oregon. Educated, interesting, athletic... wait a second, this guy sounds like a winner, right? Yeah, a bi-winner!

I probably would have been excited for a second date, but he totally ruined his stud status by suggesting that we split the dinner bill! Ugh. Are you kidding? So now I'm out another $30 because this guy's mama never taught him manners. Or he's just really, really poor. Both serious possibilities. Both total turn-offs. So bitterly, I pulled out my wallet and threw down my credit card. He knew I was going to be out of town for my triathlon, so he told me to call him when I returned. Needless to say, I will not be making that phone call. Boo to you, Mr. Cheapskate! Final vote: dud.

Next, on Tuesday was Date #2 with NeedsToEatACheeseburger McMichigan. We met for a drink - yet another sign of this guy's penny-pinching as well... still no offer to take me to dinner - at an Irish bar in Mountain View. He was 25 minutes late. Steeeee-rike 2! I got there a few minutes early, ordered myself a drink and some dinner. (This place is known for their awesome happy hour, with cheap food and drinks, so I wanted to get my order in before happy hour ended, which was at 6:30. We were meeting at 6). When he finally strolled in at 6:25, I urged him to get his order in quickly before happy hour ended. He didn't seem to be worried. We ended up chatting for an hour. It felt forced and all I could think about was when it would be too soon to say, "Well, I've gotta get going..."

And, to make matters worse, I ended up paying for his drink, since I had put my card down at the bar when I was waiting for him to arrive. That's two dates in a row where I had to pay! What is up with that? I am clearly choosing the wrong men. It's pretty obvious that I am not into this guy. I could see myself being friends with him as we definitely had a similar sense of humor. But I am certainly not going to send out a friend request on Facebook. To be honest, this relationship is done-zo. Final vote: bud.

Finally, I had Date #1 scheduled with AwkwardSilences McUnprounceableFirstName on Wednesday. Two things went wrong with this "date." First, I had attended a conference earlier that day where there was some interesting "Chinese" food being served. I, being the fat girl that I am, served myself two helpings of the concoction. Mmmm it was tasty. Later that day, as my Night School class was coming to a close, I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to run to the toilet. I was about three seconds away from an unfortunate accident. Luckily, I made it. As to be expected, having a near-accident in your pants is not the way you want to be feeling just before your first date. So I called to see if we could reschedule. Now, this is partly where the second problem comes in.

His mannerisms on the phone reminded me a little too much of the late-January dating disaster, Geeky McEastSlow. Yep, that would be the one who announced his Special Ed status to me at the dinner table, just before he asked to take the bread to go. So after two three-minute-long awkward silencey phone conversations, I was starting to worry about the social skills of my upcoming date. And, on top of that, he had a first name that I absolutely could not figure out how to pronounce! Before even meeting this guy in person, I could tell that it wasn't going to work. I told him we would reschedule for this week, but I am not feeling it whatsoever. My spidey senses are certainly NOT tingling. Final vote: dud.

I honestly believe that the universe was speaking to me last week... it sent me three good reasons to taking a match.com hiatus. I am listening, universe!

What gives? Round 2.

So, Blondie and I went on a date on Saturday night to go see the critically acclaimed film, "Hall Pass." Blondie's choice, people, not mine. We arrived early so decided that the only way two old ladies like us would stay awake for the entirety of a 2-hour movie that starts at 8pm, would be if we grabbed a Starbucks, which is located just next-door to the movie theatre.

So we go in and Blondie, being the great date that she is, buys me my drink. Awww... I love my husband. As she's paying, I walk away to go stand next to the barista area - where people go to wait for their drinks. I literally have to squeeze past this man, who is on his cell phone, in order to get to the proper waiting area. As I am walking past, I hear him saying, "Hello? Uh... hello...?" and I think to myself that he is clearly talking to the person on the other end of the phone. Damn AT&T. But then I hear, "Natalie?" I spin around. I recognize him immediately but pretend that I have no idea who he is. "Hi," I say. Blondie is looking at my with a skeptical eye. I shoot a Fudge, this is awkward. Get me outta here look right back at her. "I believe we met on match," he says to me. Don't "I believe" me, Mister. You know my name! You very well know where we met. "Ohhhhhh..." I say, still shooting sideways glances at Blondie. Please save me. "What's your name?" I ask. Of course, I know his name. I think. "Winky McWhatGives" he responds. Duh. Of course it is.

Now let's rewind for a second. You all remember Winky McWhatGives, don't you? How could you forget? And let's say you have forgotten - I think then it's time you scroll through the archives and find the post entitled "What Gives" and you shall discover why the last thing I EVER wanted to do in my life EVER... was run into this guy in Starbucks.

"What are you doing here," he asks? "Oh, my friend, Blondie, and I are going to see a movie. You?" "Me, too! I am going to see 'Hall Pass.'" Yep. How did I know? Please don't ask if you can sit with us. Please don't ask if you can sit with us. He does not ask to sit with us, but he does continue to shoot the shit as he looks me up and down with hungry eyes (according to Blondie - "Did you SEE the way he was looking at you?"). Ugh. Finally, he asks if he can call me. I cannot reject this guy for, like, a fifth time in the middle of Starbucks when we are about to go sit in the same tiny movie theatre to watch the same lame movie as him. "Sure," I say, clearly with reluctance - clenched teeth and a quivering lip. He cannot sense my reluctance, though, because all he sees is this amazing aura of light around me. I am an angel sent from the heavens and our miraculously running into each other in Starbucks is surely a sign from God that we should be together. It is fate!

Finally, he realizes that I am on a date and he excuses himself to order his coffee. Blondie and I grab our drinks from the barista - why did they take SO LONG to make our drinks? Oh, right, because Blondie had to wait for her decaf coffee to brew. We literally run out of Starbucks. In the theatre, we sit as high up as possible and hide. BTW, this guy is alone. So he is clearly not getting a lot of hits on match.com. Gee, I wonder why? Thankfully, we never see him enter or exit the theatre. We make it out of there safely. *Phew!*

Fast-forward to Sunday night. I receive a phone call at 10pm (side note: do not call me at 10pm on a Sunday night. I am sleeping. Guaranteed). It wakes me up. It is Winky, who leaves a voice message. O.M.G. this guy is clueless. He says, "It was great running into you on Saturday night!" No it wasn't. He asks if we can catch up. I do not call him back. I will not call him back. Why is it the freaks who love me the most? Why? Why? WHY? Seriously, what gives? This vote has already been cast, but in case you need to be reminded: FREAK!

And now for the lightning-speed updates on the rest of my dating life:

1) Okie McDogRescuer never called. WAH! I liked him! Final vote: Bud.

2) MountainBiker McChristian also stopped calling. Aww shucks. But in reality... don't care. And, as it turns out, he is the SAME guy that NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate went on a date with about a year ago! Same thing happened to her! Clearly, this guy is NOT a keeper. And he has no type because McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate and I look nothing alike. Final vote: Dud.

3) Final update - not so lightning speed, though. This deserves a full explanation. So for a second, I was communicating with a new potenty: eHarmony McTayeDiggsLookalike. He was smokin'! We actually met on eHarmony late 2009 (clearly, I have tried them all, people. Multiple times. I never seem to learn my lesson). We went on one date to Starbucks. He was very handsome in person, but he was a flaky mctallguy for sure. At some point early last year, just before I started dating Douchey, he got "busy" and we stopped communicating (which was just texting, btw, because he didn't like talking on the phone. Hello, red flag)! So I get this email on match a week ago and it's from this guy. I could not remember his name. I am very upfront with him and I tell him that I am not looking for a text buddy and that if he is interested in a serious relationship, then he should call me. Oh, and btw, what's your name again? A couple of days later, I get a text from him: "Hey, what's up." Clearly, he did not get the message. In my text back I told him that he needed to ask me out on a date or we were done-zo. So he responds and asks if I would like to come over to his house and "chill." WHAT!? Are you serious? I tell him no, that I want to go on a real date. He is resistant but agrees that maybe we can meet at Rancho for a walk. Ahh... much more my style. We don't end up going on that date, though, because, WTF?, it is snowing in San Jose. Instead, we make plans to schedule something else later. FYI - still no phone call from this guy. I decide to hold out for him, though, because he is incredibly good looking.

So Tuesday afternoon comes around and I get a text from him. He asks me, again, if I want to go to house his and chill. OK, how much clearer can I be? NO! I want to go on a real date! I am angry and pretty much write that word for word. After about an hour of text arguing with him, he writes this: "I'll be upfront and candid... I have no intent of wining and dining anyone until I feel as if they are someone I have a mental and physical connection with and can see myself with."

I am so irritated by this point, so I write back (over a series of text messages): "How do you expect to ever make a connection with someone if you don't go on a date? I was never asking you to buy me fancy dinners. Meeting over coffee or for a drink works just fine. Or even talking to me on the phone. You do realize that there are creeps, rapists, and sex fiends on the internet, right? So when you ask a girl to come over to your house when you don't know her, you are going to come across as one of the above. It's not to say that you are one of the above, but you could be. How do I know? I am protecting myself when I ask to meet you in a public place." This is apparently funny to him because the message I get back says, "LOL." Yeah, I am sure you were laughing out loud.

"Though I get your point," he writes, "a rapist, sex fiend, or stalker is going to be the same person after one date or 100 dates... Look, I am not knocking your reluctance. I invited, you declined, it really isn't that big of a deal." He is right. And I am SO OVER HIM at this point. Even if he was Taye Diggs, I would have sent this same message back: "Ok well it's not going to work for me, so good luck!" And here is the kicker... His response: "K. Just let me know" HA! Now I am totally LOLing! Final vote: Idiot... er, I mean Dud.

There is nothing masculine about a phone date!

I am so sorry for the delay! I have been on vacay and have not had time to blog. But I know you're all dying for an update. So here goes...

Two weeks ago, I went on my first date with Okie McDogRescuer. Now, not only did I have low expectations for Okie, but I was also feelin' this other guy more (other guy being MountainBiker McChristian. More on him to come). So when he showed up to take me to lunch (yes, I broke my rule and gave him my address, but it just made more sense considering he was coming from Oakland and we were going to Mountain View for lunch), I was pleasantly surprised. He was much more good looking in person. His profile honestly didn't do him justice, and he was driving an orange Volkswagen GTI. Not really the color I'd pick, but I was definitely digging his choice in car. He ended up being funny and smart and we had a great date eating tapas and drinking sangria out in the beautiful Mountain View sunshine (this was, of course, before the weather turned nasty here in the Bay Area). This guy is DIFFERENT that's for sure. He's from Oklahoma but moved out here in the 90s for college (went to Cal) and now lives in Oakland. He reads instruction manuals cover to cover, rides motorcycles across the country with his dad, and rescued his dog (who was homeless and hanging around a restaurant he happened to be eating at) in New Mexico. I'm telling you, this guy surprised me. So... we've communicated a few times by text message since then, but no date #2 scheduled. I'm keeping my fingers crossed - I like this guy. Current vote: stud

So, MountainBiker McChristian was my top choice for a while. He seemed like a suuuuuper nice guy, owns his own house (which he remodeled with his dad, who's a contractor), is into sports and likes cooking. Sounds like a catch, eh? Well, I liked him a lot until I gave him my number and all he wanted to do was schedule dates to talk on the phone. And I don't mean just a short chat here and there, but we're talking hour-long, ear-reddening phone conversations. Ugh. I am so not into that. He had really interesting things to say... I think... but the truth is that with every conversation, I found myself snuggled up in bed and falling asleep by the end. What is it with dudes who like to talk on the phone!? Isn't that kind of feminine anyway? Phone dates are what I have with my friends who live out of town. You know, the ones I'm NOT capable of meeting for dinner or a drink...

So finally, after two painful hour-long conversations, in which I was yawning constantly, I asked him if he was going to take me on a date. He obliged. We ended up meeting for Happy Hour in downtown San Jose late last week (just before I took off on my vacay to Austin with Blondie McSmartyPants. We will do a joint blog post about this trip soon). Anyhoodle, the date was fine. He is a good looking guy, we had a lot to talk about and I felt like he was into me. But overall, I just felt kind of bored with him. I am kind of bored with our "relationship" in general. That's not a good thing, right? I am thinking I should give him one more chance. So if he asks me out on date #2, I'll go. But my vajay is sending clear signals here: nope. Semi-final vote: bud

But hang on to your pants... A hair-raising Austin update plus new potential stud-worthy write-ups are on the horizon.

"I guess I'm calling to break up with you."

Well, I have been so busy NOT dating lately that I haven't even had time to post an update. Between date night with Blondie McSmartyPants, a ridiculously busy social life and Super Bowl Sunday, my life has been INsane! Not insane enough for me to forget about match.com, though. Don't you worry about that. I am still an active little dating bee.

But, I know you're all dying to know what is up with VBall McBulgarian, so here's an update. The last time I saw him was Wednesday night last week. It was our third date. He came over for a homecooked meal (mama always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Actually, mama never told me that, but I imagine that is something a mama might say) and for a game of scrabble. I am embarassed to report that he beat me at Scrabble. Yes, he is an English language learner (moved to the US in 1993) and he beat me, an English language learner teacher at Scrabble. It was terribly sad and embarassing, but it was completely not my fault! I swear to you, I picked the worst letters (all vowels) to have ever been picked in a Scrabble game. AND, despite the fact that he had all the high-scoring letters - Z, X, J, V, K - he still only beat me by 10 points, so I like to think that I redeemed myself.

But that is beside the point. At some point during the date, he breezily mentioned that he was interviewing for a new job... in Baltimore. "WHAT!?" I believe I did actually shout it just like that with both an exclamation point and a question mark. I thought it was odd that he would bring this up on our third date and then try to nonchalantly pass it off as something that "probably won't happen, but..." Ummm ok, buddy. Just cut to the chase. But still things continued on as normal. He asked when he would see me again, we snuggled on the couch and watched TV, he kissed me good night. All seemed great.

But then, on the day of our next scheduled date (two days later, AKA last Friday night), he texted me to cancel, claiming he would call me the next day (yeah, right). Bummer. Big time. I was really, really, really, really starting to like this guy. SO, of course, I immediately tell Blondie about my devastating news and she decides that the only way to make things better is to go out and get drunk. I agreed.

We went to our favorite neighborhood bar, Blue Max, in Sunnyvale. Doesn't the name just sound fun and intriguing? It is... If you like old people who are REALLY into karaoke. I was feeling so pumped about karaoking and boozing it up that I must have been oozing positive energy as I got two calls three minutes apart from two new match.com boyfriends. (And, as it turns out, I wasn't really that sad about McBulgarian because I tried to cry about it on my way home from work that afternoon, but only managed to squeeze out about three tears!) It is true, ladies, life does go on.

Meanwhile, at the Blue Max, Blondie and I enjoyed a plethora of Miller Lights (at $3 a pop) and I indulged in singing an exorbitant amount of karaoke songs (some good - a "Need You Now" duet with my good friend, Texy McAmericanIdol; some OK - my go-to crowd pleaser "Take it on the Run" by REO Speedwagon; and some bad - Blondie and I attempting to belt out Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" as a symbolic gesture of our singledom). That, combined with a heavenly French dip sandwich from Adamson's made it a truly excellent night.

Next afternoon, I get a phone call from McBulgarian. Believe it or not, he is in that rare class of dudes who actually calls when he says he will. WOW! After a minute or two of "catching up," he breaks the news: "Looks like I'm moving to Baltimore." "WHAT!?" Only this time I don't shout that out. I am the breezy one now. "Oh wow, you got the job?" I am so breezy, it gives him chills. And the best part? He then says, "So I guess I'm calling to break up with you." HA! "You can't break up with me," I say. "We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend." He chuckles. We talk a little bit about how much it is going to suck to move from California to Baltimore (isn't that place the armpit of the U.S.?) and then we say our final goodbyes. It was sad. I hung up the phone and shed one final tear. Then, I went into my itunes, found my WhiteSnake album and pressed play. Story of my freaking' life.

Sing along, everybody: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again..."

Final vote: bud.

Feeling sparkly

Oh man, I've got a LOT to write about. So let's start from the beginning.

Update #1:
I was having a really nice, chill date with Blondie McSmartyPants on Friday night. We went to Falalfel's Drive-In and enjoyed the most delectable dinner. Then, we watched "I Used to Be Fat" (while eating falafels, dolmas, and French fries. We had both finished our milkshakes on the drive home), and gushed over how handsome the previously fat teenager looked after his weight loss. OMG, seriously, he was SO HANDSOME!

So, things were going great until just a few minutes before Blondie left. I received a text message from... wait for it... Ballsy McIndian. Dude is relentless! He sent me a message letting me know that he was free to meet either Sunday or next week. I texted him back telling him I was free to meet NEVER. OK, I wasn't that mean, but I had to just nip things in the bud. I never was and never will be interested in Ballsy. That is the bottom line. So I texted him to tell him that I didn't think it was going to work out.

This started a long chain of textuments (text arguments) back and forth between ballsy and I. Now, some of you might say, "Dude, why did you even respond?" And the answer to that, my friends, is that I am incapable of losing an argument to idiots. So, I had no choice but to continuously respond to Ballsy until he finally got the point. He responded to my rejection by asking for some "constructive feedback." OK, because this is totally a business transaction, right? So, I told him (for constructive feedback purposes): 1) his obsession with my height was creepy, and (for reasons why I cannot go out on a date with him, which was really just me being nice and trying to throw some sort of excuse out there): 2) I am busy.

Oh man, Ballsy could not let it go (but then again, neither could I). He texted me back a multi-text response, which came broken up and out of order. Something about accepting the constructive feedback, trying to explain his creepy obsession with my height (it was an ice breaker. Umm, ok whatever), and then offering some unsolicited feedback for me, to which I responded: "I don't remember ever asking you for feedback." This got him fired up! His response left me laughing. I believe it said, "I am sorry if my feedback hurt you." HA! OK, buddy. By this time, btw, it was nearing midnight and all I wanted to do was go to bed. My last two text messages to him pretty much said it all: "Get over it" and "Please stop harassing me". It was a serious war of words. And I won. Duh. After I received a final text message from him, which did not warrant a response, I deleted all of the text messages as well as his contact information from my phone. Hands washed clean.

Well, guess what, people... it doesn't end there! Yesterday morning, I received a text from him: "Dont want to disturb you. Just wanted to say sorry for the exchange on friday." This poor soul was clearly torn up all weekend. I, on the other hand, did not think about it at all. In fact, I forgot it even happened. So, I am not sure what that says about me, except what we already know. It does not need to be said. And yes, it rhymes with witch. Ugh. Final vote: dud, with a side of freak!

Update #2:
Let me preface this by saying that I am nervous about writing this particular post because I don't want to jinx anything... but, here goes. Saturday night I had my second date with VolleyBall McBulgarian. We had discussed on our previous date that we didn't want to just do another dinner, but something more interactive, so we decided on bowling. He picked a bowling alley near his 'hood, which was nice (it was great, actually, as it minimized the chance of me running into someone I know, especially a student. Can you say, awkward?).

When we got to the bowling alley at 8pm, the League bowlers were still wrapping up, so we had to wait 45 minutes before we could get a lane. He asked if I had eaten yet (I had, duh - it was 8pm - but I told him I'd have a beer while he ate), so we headed to the Round Table across the parking lot. We talked about being nervous on dates, writing, and shopping at Target (he asked me where I got my boots. Where do you think? I asked him where he got his shirt. He shops at Target, too!) It was, really, a riveting conversation.

When he finished his pizza, we headed back to the bowling alley and bowled three games. I am really a terrible bowler. I mean TERRIBLE! And no matter how much I try to improve my technique, I will always suck. He beat me in all three games (I have to say, not by much, though) and I told him, of course, that I let him win. :)

When our games were over, we finished our beers and then headed outside. It was pretty obvious that neither one of us wanted the date to end. I hugged him and he went in for the kiss. SCORE! We then proceeded to talk, while wrapped in an embrace, outside of the bowling alley for another 45 minutes. This was awkward for me because I am not a publicly affectionate person. He, however, did not seem to mind. So I pushed my awkwardness aside, because despite the fact that I was so overly aware of each and every person who walked by, standing there in his arms felt really nice. We eventually decided we should go home and after a quick kiss, we ran in opposite directions out of the rain and to our cars. I felt so sparkly at the end of the date, I could not stop smiling, and I now I am sitting here thinking about how I can't wait to see him again. I don't know what you're thinking, but the experts tell me that this is a good sign.

We have Date #3 scheduled for Wednesday night. Is this the stud I've been waiting for? We shall see... Current vote: stud!

Update #3:
So I was hanging out with my friend LooksLikeMe McHalfAsian, who is also on match.com. We were browsing through her emails when I noticed that there was one guy who looked familiar. "Hey! That guy emailed me, too!" I said. We laughed and decided, "Duh," because LooksLikeMe is pretty much the half-Asian version of me. We are nearly the same height, dark hair, dark skin, and pretty much the same build. She is on my triathlon team and people confuse us all the time. It is no surprise that there are men out there who might find not one, but both of us attractive.

So the day goes on and LooksLikeMe and I head over to Blondie's house for dinner. In the middle of dinner, I receive a phone call from an unprogrammed number (honestly, this could be anyone. I have given my number out to so many dudes since I joined match.com, I can no longer keep track). I listen to the voicemail and I realize it is from Mr. McClearlyHasATypeAndItsUs. "OMG!" I say! "LooksLikeMe! You gotta email this guy back." So she pulls up her phone and sends him the following message: "Hi, I am having dinner with my friend Teachy, who is also on match, and who you just called. She says she'll call you back tomorrow."

Oh... snap! We all got a good laugh out of that one, but we are not quite sure if he got it (he does not appear to be the sharpest tool in the shed), as he wrote back: "Oh, sorry. Enjoy your dinner." And this is what happens when you and every single person you know joins match.com. Sorry Mr., but I ain't calling you back. Final vote: dud

I don't need a man!

I've got a date with Blondie McSmartyPants tomorrow night. We're going to the Falafel Drive-In for some falafels and banana shakes. Then, we're going to plan our trip to Austin, which we're taking during my Winter Break in February.

In the past year, I've had more romanty dates and vacays with Blondie than any dude. Last year we went to San Diego for a Valentine's Day Weekend roadtrip. Valentine's Day was actually freakishly warm - it was 86 degrees in the San Diegs - so we went to Coronado Beach, read Us Weekly, laid out in the sun, and ate California burritos for lunch. It was pretty romantic.

Over the summer, we went on a super romanty vacay to Jamaica. We stayed at a couple's resort and rubbed sunscreen on each other's backs on a daily basis. I compromised my love of Vitamin D and sat in the shade with Blondie (she does not tan as well as I do) every day by the pool. She compromised her fear of Jamaican men and allowed one to put his arms around her during our one and only "drunk night," which consisted of us hanging out at the "Sports Bar" (a.k.a. a tiny room on the second floor of the resort lobby with a popcorn machine, some stale chips and a globby goo that was being passed as cheese - otherwise known as "nachos") and drinking flourescent cocktail after flourescent cocktail, which were specially made for us by our Jamaican boyfriends... er, I mean bartenders. We made friends with other nice couples, went on a snorkeling day trip, and we went kayaking together in the bay. It really was lovely.

We have also been on a number of dinner dates together - I cook for her, she cooks for me, we order pizza, we enjoy a candlelit dinner at a local restaurant, we go out for a drink and stare lovingly into each other's eyes. We watch "The Bachelor" and "Teen Mom" and "I Used to be Fat" and "Heavy" (we really love shows about fat people) and "American Idol" together, we pretend to be super sports fans together, and we create fake super hot match.com profiles together. It's the best love story you've ever heard.

And that is pretty much why I cannot WAIT for our date tomorrow night. This our 1,457th date. It's not awkward, there is no lame small talk, I already know all about her siblings and where she grew up (I grew up there, too!), I am never nervous, I know exactly what she looks like, I know what to expect, and... most important, she always tells me I look pretty. Man, I am one lucky girl! Final vote: double stud all the way across the sky!

"Will get you to wear heels next time to compensate" Eew, no you won't!

Four updates for your reading pleasure:

1) Monday night I had dinner with my ex, Youngster McFriendlyGiant. This was not, as Blondie wanted it to be, a date where he confessed that he was still in love with me and wanted to get back together. Thank God, because that would have been awkward. Instead, it was two old friends getting together and catching up. We had a really nice time. No vote necessary, as this guy has been and always will be a bud.

2) Last night, as you know (and I'm sure have been anticipating), I was supposed to meet Ballsy McIndian for coffee. However, as the day progressed, my anxiety about having to go and meet this guy steadily increased. I got cold feet. So after consulting with both Blondie and HeyTallGirl, I came to the conclusion that the best option, in this instance, was to cancel the date. I played around with a number of different ways to cancel, but decided that just keeping it short and sweet would be the best way to deal with this.

I know some of you are disappointed that I didn't meet Ballsy for coffee "for the sake of the blog," but I just couldn't do it. Honestly, what would be the point? It would have been a big waste of my time and I couldn't bare to do that - waste my time. I just don't have enough of it. And you will see, by reading the text below, that I actually dodged a big shiny bullet by canceling on that date.

Yep, that's THREE separate text messages you see there, including one that clearly reinforces his tall girl fetish. Oh boy. It is official, this guy is a total, major, absolute FREAK!

3) Speedy McSwede called me on Monday night while I was out with Youngster. He didn't leave a message, so I called him back on my way home. We chatted for a few minutes ("How was your day." "Terrible." Wow, Debbie Downer much, Mr. McSwede? I jokingly wanted to say, "Could anything else go wrong?"). Finally, he got to the point and asked me out on a second date. After that Ey-ore conversation we'd just had, I considered saying "No thanks" but thought I should maybe give him another chance. And since my schedule is so packed this week, our only option was Sunday. So, Sunday will be date #2 with Speedy McSwede. Should be a rip-roarin' good time!

4) Also while I was out with Youngster, I got a call from another potenty who lives in SF. His name, for lack of creative inspiration, will be LovesFood McSanFrancisco. So far, our email interactions have been about restaurants we love and the Giants winning the World Series. Not bad. I had some doubts about him after listening to his gravelly "uh"-laden voicemail message, but after playing it for Blondie and my friend, NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola, they both decided I was being overly critical and that he actually didn't sound "slow" ("It sounds like he is getting over a cold," NicestFriend said. Of course, because she is so nice), as I initially classified him. So, I called him back (one full day later) and we made tentative plans to go to a restaurant he recommended in San Francisco this weekend. I need to call him back on Thursday to confirm. Can someone PLEASE remind me!?

All in all, things have slowed down a bit on Match. We'll see how things play out with all of my aforementioned McDudes (including Mr. McBulgaria who hasn't called me yet this week). And if nothing pans out, I'll get to winking again...

No, he's not a Viking

OK, I had two dates this weekend. The first was on Friday night and it was with Speedy McSwedester. All in all, this was an OK date. It was neither spectacular nor terrible. As per pretty much all of my dates, Speedy was a nice guy. My free dinner count went up another notch (Thank you Mr. McGentleman), which I really appreciate, but other than the fact that he was nice to look at and his Swedish accent sometimes caused him to mis-pronounce words (which I giggled at in my head each time he said them), there wasn't much else super interesting going on with Speedy. Of course, my friends have had fun making fun of me for going out with "a Viking" as they like to refer to him. "How was your date with Sven?" (not his name), my roommate, Triathlete McHouseHusband asked me. "How's Olaf?"(also not his name), was one I got from my other roommate - Skinny McBride-to-Be's dad (who is in town visiting for a couple of weeks). So, to spare you the trouble of even asking, the answer, people, is NO - we did not go to Ikea and have Swedish meatballs for dinner. And, NO - he wasn't listening to Bjork in his car. And, NO - he's not a Norseman.

Instead of Ikea (which, btw, of course I asked him if he frequents, and he says he DOES go there sometimes for the pickled Herring. Eeew), we actually met at a wine bar in Downtown Mountain View. We each enjoyed a flight of wine and some hummus, which he paid for with a Yelp! coupon (!!!), and this - I have to say - is actually something I really liked about the guy. A frugal man is a man after my own heart. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to get dinner. Who am I to turn down dinner? Of course I said yes! We went to a Chinese restaurant across the street, which he was super excited about because he had spent some time in China. In my opinion, he was just a little obsessed with Chinese food. He got these big bug eyes when he was looking at the menu and he was practically salivating all over the table. But, to each his own. We ordered TONS of food and I ate WAY TOO MUCH (I paid for it the next morning), but it was super delicious. And, dinner was on him. Score!

So, on our date, I learned that he just moved here from Sweden in September and this is his first time living anywhere other than Sweden. That sounds like a pretty big move, right? Well, when I asked him if it was hard for him to leave his friends and family, he said, "Would it be bad if I said, 'No.'" I laughed uncomfortably and said, "Of course not!" But that is a lie! Yes, it's bad, you cold-hearted abandoner! And that's when I knew it wouldn't work. Blondie McSmartyPants told me once that she read in one of her ever-growing collection of dating advice books that the reason a guy doesn't call you back is often not the reason you think (he's not attracted to you, he had a terrible time on the date), but it's actually more often based on something you said that didn't click or resonate with him or made him go, "Hmmmm..." In this case, with Speedy, I think it was this comment about not having a problem leaving his friends and family that made me go, "Hmmmm..." If I up and moved myself to Sweden one day, let me tell you this right now, I would be a DISASTER, crying for years probably, because I missed my friends and family so much. So, between his black heart and awkward, one-word responses to some of my questions ("Do you like red wine?" "Yes." "Are you close with your family?" "No." "Is pickled Herring tasty?" "Yes." Come on dude, throw me a bone here!), my final vote is simply going to have to be: Bud.

Now, last night's date, with VolleyBaller McBulgarian was a much more promising experience. We went to an Indian restaurant in Santa Clara that I recommended ("I know a really good Indian restaurant in Santa Clara" - say that with an Indian accent, please). He had mentioned in his profile that he loved Indian food, so in our email exchanges, we discussed our favorites in the area. He had never been to this one and - as I suspected - he was impressed. I told him that you can always tell it's a good Indian restaurant if there are actually lots of Indian people eating there. We were seriously SURROUNDED by McIndians. Except for one McAfrican who was sitting behind us. So the place was for sure legit.

One judgmental side note: so I could sort of tell from his profile pics that his hair was a little thin on top, but when I saw him in person, I noticed some serious balding action. Thankfully, bald is the new boyfriend and I don't actually care about a dude's hair (unless it is long and stringy. No Allman Brothers wannabes, thank you very much), so that didn't bother me in the slightest. Plus, he rocked it.

Overall, our date was pretty great. But when I attempted to rate my date over the phone last night with Blondie, I at first gave it a B+. I don't know why, except maybe for the fact that I am scared to rate any dates too high because then I run the risk of getting let down later on down the road. She slapped me upside the head through the phone, though, and told me the date should at least be given an A-. And she's right. Here's why: 1) He's cute. 2) He laughed at my jokes. 3) He made me laugh. 4) He's 6'5". Enough said. 5) He profiled me based on my astrological sign (WHAT? I know! That should totally be #1, right? AND, here's the best part. He was right! He was like, "You're a natural leader because you're an Aries." He's a Taurus, btw. In case you were wondering). 6) He paid for dinner (Oh, and here's a tip for you ladies - the best way to guarantee your date will pay for dinner is to get up and go to the bathroom just as or just before the bill comes. This way there is no akwardness and you don't have to take out your wallet and even pretend like you're going to pay! It's genius and works every time). 7) He asked if I wanted to go out again way before our date was even over. 8) He walked me to my car. Awwwww. I like him. We have a second date scheduled for Saturday afternoon. Right now, he's ranking pretty high on the stud-o-meter, but no votes just yet. We'll see how date #2 goes...

every girl's got a little crazy in her...

Ok, this is going to sound a little psycho, but the truth is... as a member of the Female Race, crazy is unavoidable, as it is an unchangeable part of my DNA. And honestly, when one member of the Female Race gets crazy, she shares her crazy with other members and then the crazy spreads like a disease. So, what happened here is that I contracted my crazy from my good friend Blondie McSmartyPants.

Blondie McSmartyPants, as you know, recently ended a relationship with Tooly McWankFace. And when I say recently, I mean like last week. This is a fresh wound here. So as per standard crazy post-breakup behavior, Blondie immediately began scouring match.com to see if he had re-posted his profile. Then, on Tuesday, she discovered that he had indeed re-posted his profile. Crazy just got crazier.

Now, there is one inherent problem with match.com: when you look at a dude's profile, it shows up on his "See who's viewed you" section of his page. So if you view it today, it shows up. If you view it tomorrow, it shows up again. How in the world do the match.com creators expect us to secretly stalk dudes if we're constantly showing up on their "Who's viewed me" page??

So there are two things that caused the crazy to spread from Blondie to me: 1) She told me about finding Tooly back on match. That wanker! 2) She asked me if I had ever searched for my ex. Dammit! I hadn't even considered that! (For those of you who don't know the back story, my ex - Douchey McF***Face - and I broke up in August. While Douchey and I didn't meet on match, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't sign up to try to find the byatch of his dreams. And just for the record, I am COMPLETELY over him, but honestly, I am just a curious person by nature).

Here's what happened. I got curious. Duh. So I conducted a search for men of his age range, height, location, etc. I was very specific so as to narrow the field. And after browsing just two pages, I found him. My heart stopped. What a douche. But, I hate to say this, the crazy didn't stop there. It really does get worse - way worse. I did not want to click on his profile, because the last thing I wanted to do was to give him any sort of impression that I think or care about him at all. So, I immediately IMed Blondie. What do I do?? She was in the same boat as me. She had been consumed by the crazy. I know I should not have turned to her, but the crazy was running coarsely through my veins. I was not thinking straight. In haste, we shot ideas back and forth about what to do. How can we properly stalk our exes without them knowing it?

"I've got the BEST idea," Blondie wrote (in reality, not a good idea at all). "We can create a FAKE PROFILE!"

"OMG! That is such a good idea!"

No it's not. But... it was too late. The crazy had already won. Blondie moved quickly. She suggested using the photos of her coworker, who is happily relationshipped. Brilliant!

So immediately upon getting home from work on Tuesday, I set out on my task of creating a faux stalker profile using Blondie's coworker's photos! We'll call our newest match.com member Hottie McAsian. Let me tell you this... it is hard work making a match.com profile! So many questions! So many things to make up! But by the time I had sat down in front of my laptop and created a fake gmail account for Hottie, there was seriously no turning back. I was in it to win it. I had to create a fake birth date, a fake college, a fake degree, a fake job, and even fake interests (Hottie really loves the beach and experiencing new adventures - ok, maybe there is a little bit of me in this fake profile...) I felt like Dr. Frankenstein creating my monster. It was so much fun! After about 40 minutes of hard work, my creation was complete. I just needed to wait for the profile and photos to be approved.

When I finally had my chance, I logged on immediately to stalk Douchey's profile. Eew. So glad that relationship's over. Viewing his profile ultimately brought me no satisfaction, other than knowing that I am glad I am no longer with him. (That, and the thought that I am way too hot for him anyway.) After viewing his profile, the crazy started to slowly wear off. WTF were we thinking? But, since we already had the profile up, we figured we'd check on it every once in a while to see who's winking at her. If Douchey or Tooly wink at her, we both thought, they're going down. (Crazy clearly still lingering).

As a non-paying match.com member, the only thing you can do on the site in terms of communication is wink for free. You can also see those who have winked at you. What you can't see is "who's viewed you" or emails that have been sent. We didn't envision this being a problem because we were only anticipating using her profile to stalk our exes.

But here's the crazy part... Hottie has had a fake profile now for about three days. I logged on to her profile this morning, just to see what kind of action she's gotten (and to see if Douchey winked at her, which he did not). You will not believe this, but she has 19 new emails and 40 winks! Are you kidding me!? That is more emails and winks than Blondie and I put together! How is it possible that our fake profile is more popular than our real ones!? Waaaah we are crying!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, folks, it's that stalking is bad. And so is creating fake people. Or using real people to make fake people to secretly stalk real people. Ugh. What a giant, crazy mess...