No, he's not a Viking

OK, I had two dates this weekend. The first was on Friday night and it was with Speedy McSwedester. All in all, this was an OK date. It was neither spectacular nor terrible. As per pretty much all of my dates, Speedy was a nice guy. My free dinner count went up another notch (Thank you Mr. McGentleman), which I really appreciate, but other than the fact that he was nice to look at and his Swedish accent sometimes caused him to mis-pronounce words (which I giggled at in my head each time he said them), there wasn't much else super interesting going on with Speedy. Of course, my friends have had fun making fun of me for going out with "a Viking" as they like to refer to him. "How was your date with Sven?" (not his name), my roommate, Triathlete McHouseHusband asked me. "How's Olaf?"(also not his name), was one I got from my other roommate - Skinny McBride-to-Be's dad (who is in town visiting for a couple of weeks). So, to spare you the trouble of even asking, the answer, people, is NO - we did not go to Ikea and have Swedish meatballs for dinner. And, NO - he wasn't listening to Bjork in his car. And, NO - he's not a Norseman.

Instead of Ikea (which, btw, of course I asked him if he frequents, and he says he DOES go there sometimes for the pickled Herring. Eeew), we actually met at a wine bar in Downtown Mountain View. We each enjoyed a flight of wine and some hummus, which he paid for with a Yelp! coupon (!!!), and this - I have to say - is actually something I really liked about the guy. A frugal man is a man after my own heart. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to get dinner. Who am I to turn down dinner? Of course I said yes! We went to a Chinese restaurant across the street, which he was super excited about because he had spent some time in China. In my opinion, he was just a little obsessed with Chinese food. He got these big bug eyes when he was looking at the menu and he was practically salivating all over the table. But, to each his own. We ordered TONS of food and I ate WAY TOO MUCH (I paid for it the next morning), but it was super delicious. And, dinner was on him. Score!

So, on our date, I learned that he just moved here from Sweden in September and this is his first time living anywhere other than Sweden. That sounds like a pretty big move, right? Well, when I asked him if it was hard for him to leave his friends and family, he said, "Would it be bad if I said, 'No.'" I laughed uncomfortably and said, "Of course not!" But that is a lie! Yes, it's bad, you cold-hearted abandoner! And that's when I knew it wouldn't work. Blondie McSmartyPants told me once that she read in one of her ever-growing collection of dating advice books that the reason a guy doesn't call you back is often not the reason you think (he's not attracted to you, he had a terrible time on the date), but it's actually more often based on something you said that didn't click or resonate with him or made him go, "Hmmmm..." In this case, with Speedy, I think it was this comment about not having a problem leaving his friends and family that made me go, "Hmmmm..." If I up and moved myself to Sweden one day, let me tell you this right now, I would be a DISASTER, crying for years probably, because I missed my friends and family so much. So, between his black heart and awkward, one-word responses to some of my questions ("Do you like red wine?" "Yes." "Are you close with your family?" "No." "Is pickled Herring tasty?" "Yes." Come on dude, throw me a bone here!), my final vote is simply going to have to be: Bud.

Now, last night's date, with VolleyBaller McBulgarian was a much more promising experience. We went to an Indian restaurant in Santa Clara that I recommended ("I know a really good Indian restaurant in Santa Clara" - say that with an Indian accent, please). He had mentioned in his profile that he loved Indian food, so in our email exchanges, we discussed our favorites in the area. He had never been to this one and - as I suspected - he was impressed. I told him that you can always tell it's a good Indian restaurant if there are actually lots of Indian people eating there. We were seriously SURROUNDED by McIndians. Except for one McAfrican who was sitting behind us. So the place was for sure legit.

One judgmental side note: so I could sort of tell from his profile pics that his hair was a little thin on top, but when I saw him in person, I noticed some serious balding action. Thankfully, bald is the new boyfriend and I don't actually care about a dude's hair (unless it is long and stringy. No Allman Brothers wannabes, thank you very much), so that didn't bother me in the slightest. Plus, he rocked it.

Overall, our date was pretty great. But when I attempted to rate my date over the phone last night with Blondie, I at first gave it a B+. I don't know why, except maybe for the fact that I am scared to rate any dates too high because then I run the risk of getting let down later on down the road. She slapped me upside the head through the phone, though, and told me the date should at least be given an A-. And she's right. Here's why: 1) He's cute. 2) He laughed at my jokes. 3) He made me laugh. 4) He's 6'5". Enough said. 5) He profiled me based on my astrological sign (WHAT? I know! That should totally be #1, right? AND, here's the best part. He was right! He was like, "You're a natural leader because you're an Aries." He's a Taurus, btw. In case you were wondering). 6) He paid for dinner (Oh, and here's a tip for you ladies - the best way to guarantee your date will pay for dinner is to get up and go to the bathroom just as or just before the bill comes. This way there is no akwardness and you don't have to take out your wallet and even pretend like you're going to pay! It's genius and works every time). 7) He asked if I wanted to go out again way before our date was even over. 8) He walked me to my car. Awwwww. I like him. We have a second date scheduled for Saturday afternoon. Right now, he's ranking pretty high on the stud-o-meter, but no votes just yet. We'll see how date #2 goes...

So many duds, so little studs

I've been match.coming for about a month now, so I have a list of duds to write about. I am crossing my fingers that some studs will appear, but it's not looking so hopeful...

So the first date I went on was with BoringMcAfrican. Straight up, this guy was a DUD. We met at Starbucks and I yawned at least three times. While maybe it's because this date took place over a month ago, I simply cannot think of a single thing he said. No, I take that back! I do remember that he was from some unpronounceable country in Africa. He was good looking enough, but I fell asleep almost immediately after sitting down - and I was drinking caffeinated coffee! I bounced out of there ASAP (I said I had somewhere to be at 7pm) and I even managed to convince him NOT to walk me to my car. The best part: he emailed me a couple of days later and said, "I am not sure if we are a good match." REALLY? So I emailed him back and said, "I agree. You were way too boring for me." He never wrote back. Final vote: Dud

Next was Stalky McLuver. I really liked him at first. We met at a Vietnamese restaurant for Pho and had good conversation. There were two issues, though. 1) whenever I made jokes, he seemed to be laughing at me rather than with me. I felt a little bit like a circus freak or the court jester, like my soul purpose in his life was to entertain him and make him laugh. "Silly girl, do it again!" 2) He did not pay for dinner. When the bill came, it sat there for a while until I awkwardly said, "Should we split it?" "Yeah, yeah, that sounds good," he said. I begrudgingly pulled out my Visa card. So much for a free meal.

Things got really awkward on our second date. I decided to give him a second chance, despite the above-mentioned problems. So for date #2, we went to a wine bar on a rainy night and shared a bottle of wine. After about ten minutes, he inched as close to me as possible and then picked up my hand to hold it. Romantic? Maybe it should have been. But it was not. He continuously touched me, rubbed my legs, arms, hands, shoulders, neck, back. It was creepy. After the date (I had to cut it short because I was dog-sitting and needed to walk the dog), as he walked me to my car, he stopped me near a parking garage and kissed me with way-too-intense passion. I pulled away and told him I had to go. He pulled me closer. So I had no choice but to tug him in the direction of my car. Awkward goodbye kiss.

Even though my vajajay was telling me he was not the guy for me, I decided to give him one more chance. I figured if he liked me that much, I should try to like him back. Big mistake. Huge. So there was one major issue that was really bothering me about him, other than the fact that he practically molested me on our wine date. Every text message he sent me started or ended with "luv". "Hey luv, hope you're having a fantastic day." "Don't worry, luv, you can call me later." "Thanks, luv." Is it a term of endearment? Sure. Should he already have one for me after knowing me for two weeks? I don't think so.

So the next time I see him it's Christmas Eve. I told him I had to literally "squeeze him in" if he wanted to see me. He didn't seem to mind. We met for coffee at a Starbucks in my 'hood, next to the Borders where I was thinking of doing some Christmas shopping. I bought my own coffee cuz he was late. I was hoping he wouldn't show up. He showed up. Ugh. After I finished my coffee (he didn't get any. He prefered to just sit next to me and stare into my enticingly beautiful brown eyes), he suggested we walk around the complex. So we took a stroll around the complex, which included a grassy area that led to some apartments. I told him we had ten minutes to walk because I needed to get going on my Christmas shopping. When we got to the grassy area, he pulled me aside for another aggressive kiss. I knew right then that I wasn't into him. I pulled away and told him I had to go and squirmed my way to my car, but not before he stopped me, looked into my eyes and said, "I'm falling for you." WHAT!? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! I said nothing. He also said, "I'm going to miss you." (he was leaving for Houston a couple of days later), "are you going to miss me?" "Suuuuure," I said. Then I got in my car and drove away.

I knew I had to reject him, but I felt bad. So after a couple of days, I sent him a message telling him that while I think he's great, I just don't think he's the one for me. Luckily, he took it well and I have not received a text message with the word "luv" in it ever since. Except from Franny. Final vote: Bud

I'll end this post with one more date: Flaky McTallGuy. I really had high hopes for Flaky. He was tall, smart, funny (he laughed with me and not at me), well-educated (went to Dartmouth), and even a little dorky, which is perfect for me. He had lived in a LA for a while and worked as a reality TV blog writer, which I thought was super cool. He was definitely a man after my own heart. Our date took place about a week before Christmas. We ate Sushi, had great conversation, and he PAID. Yes! Finally a free meal! And he walked me to my car afterwards. He asked me if I had a good time and if I wanted to do it again. I said, "Yes!" He said he would call me and gave me the tiniest little kiss on the lips. I knew he was leaving for New York a couple of days later, so I didn't expect a second date to happen before he left. But he did call and text me a few times, which made me think that he was still interested. Am I wrong to assume that?

He left for New York and texted me throughout the holiday - sent me a picture of his parents' house covered in snow, texted me updates about his return date (he was delayed two days because of airport closures), etc. But when he returned, he scheduled two "potential" dates with me, then canceled both times, claiming he was tired or busy. On New Year's Eve he sent me this text: "Sorry I have been no fun lately! Hope you have a great night tonight." Ummmm, ok, what does that mean? I haven't heard from him since. I am bummed because I thought he was a good match for me. But I guess maybe to him I was just a bud? Oh well, on to the next! Final vote: Bud