There is nothing masculine about a phone date!

I am so sorry for the delay! I have been on vacay and have not had time to blog. But I know you're all dying for an update. So here goes...

Two weeks ago, I went on my first date with Okie McDogRescuer. Now, not only did I have low expectations for Okie, but I was also feelin' this other guy more (other guy being MountainBiker McChristian. More on him to come). So when he showed up to take me to lunch (yes, I broke my rule and gave him my address, but it just made more sense considering he was coming from Oakland and we were going to Mountain View for lunch), I was pleasantly surprised. He was much more good looking in person. His profile honestly didn't do him justice, and he was driving an orange Volkswagen GTI. Not really the color I'd pick, but I was definitely digging his choice in car. He ended up being funny and smart and we had a great date eating tapas and drinking sangria out in the beautiful Mountain View sunshine (this was, of course, before the weather turned nasty here in the Bay Area). This guy is DIFFERENT that's for sure. He's from Oklahoma but moved out here in the 90s for college (went to Cal) and now lives in Oakland. He reads instruction manuals cover to cover, rides motorcycles across the country with his dad, and rescued his dog (who was homeless and hanging around a restaurant he happened to be eating at) in New Mexico. I'm telling you, this guy surprised me. So... we've communicated a few times by text message since then, but no date #2 scheduled. I'm keeping my fingers crossed - I like this guy. Current vote: stud

So, MountainBiker McChristian was my top choice for a while. He seemed like a suuuuuper nice guy, owns his own house (which he remodeled with his dad, who's a contractor), is into sports and likes cooking. Sounds like a catch, eh? Well, I liked him a lot until I gave him my number and all he wanted to do was schedule dates to talk on the phone. And I don't mean just a short chat here and there, but we're talking hour-long, ear-reddening phone conversations. Ugh. I am so not into that. He had really interesting things to say... I think... but the truth is that with every conversation, I found myself snuggled up in bed and falling asleep by the end. What is it with dudes who like to talk on the phone!? Isn't that kind of feminine anyway? Phone dates are what I have with my friends who live out of town. You know, the ones I'm NOT capable of meeting for dinner or a drink...

So finally, after two painful hour-long conversations, in which I was yawning constantly, I asked him if he was going to take me on a date. He obliged. We ended up meeting for Happy Hour in downtown San Jose late last week (just before I took off on my vacay to Austin with Blondie McSmartyPants. We will do a joint blog post about this trip soon). Anyhoodle, the date was fine. He is a good looking guy, we had a lot to talk about and I felt like he was into me. But overall, I just felt kind of bored with him. I am kind of bored with our "relationship" in general. That's not a good thing, right? I am thinking I should give him one more chance. So if he asks me out on date #2, I'll go. But my vajay is sending clear signals here: nope. Semi-final vote: bud

But hang on to your pants... A hair-raising Austin update plus new potential stud-worthy write-ups are on the horizon.

Cowboy, take me away!

Yeeeee-haw! I'm back on the scene! And in preparation for my upcoming trip to Austin, I've got my eye on some cowboys.

I had a date this past Friday night with Nerdy McNeuro. He is a brain researcher. Honestly? What kind of job is that? I had to ask him what "brain plasticity" was, so it ain't no joke, this guy is a serious smarty mcnerdypants. But, as I told him on our date Friday night, I like nerds, as long as they're not socially awkward. "I'm working on it," he said. Oh boy.

I'll be honest, though, the date wasn't half bad. As per usual, he was a super nice guy - very sweet and polite (perhaps we can thank his good ol' Southern upbringing for that? Yep, this guy is a straight up Southerner, from Athens, Georgia; but unlike most Southerners, he is not a cowboy - booooo - does not have an accent, is not a card-carrying, gun-toting member of the NRA, and is actually a Democrat!) Lordy, I found me a jackpot! Except for the not being a cowboy thing. I want to see some boots and 10-gallon hats, people!

Anyway, we went to a restaurant in Cupertino and sat outside. (Side note: where else can you sit outside at 7:30pm in early February and enjoy a couple of drinks, without a heat lamp? I love you, California). So... we had a couple of drinks - he had some beers, I had some wines, and we ordered some appetizers. We chatted for a couple of hours and had a really nice time getting to know each other. I learned a little bit more about my brain and that trucks in California are even bigger than trucks in Georgia. The wannabe cowboys here feel they need to overcompensate, maybe? I also learned that R.E.M. and the B52s are from Athens, Georgia. Who knew?

I am finding that I like Southern men. They're polite, they're kind, and they're able to teach me about a whole new sub-culture in America. I'm down. Either way, while this guy was suuuuuper nice, he's also just a tiny bit socially awkward and I found that I was interested in getting to know him more as a friend than anything. IF he were to ask me out on a second date, I would probably say yes. He's the kind of guy who deserves that opportunity. However, the truth is that there really was no sexual chemistry, and my va-jay-jay is telling me that he's just not the one. Final vote: bud.

Coming up tomorrow: a description of my date with Okie McDogRescuer. This guy is a true Okie - not only is he originally from OKlahoma, but he now resides in OAKland. Could you get more Okie than that? OK! Stay tuned...

"I guess I'm calling to break up with you."

Well, I have been so busy NOT dating lately that I haven't even had time to post an update. Between date night with Blondie McSmartyPants, a ridiculously busy social life and Super Bowl Sunday, my life has been INsane! Not insane enough for me to forget about match.com, though. Don't you worry about that. I am still an active little dating bee.

But, I know you're all dying to know what is up with VBall McBulgarian, so here's an update. The last time I saw him was Wednesday night last week. It was our third date. He came over for a homecooked meal (mama always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Actually, mama never told me that, but I imagine that is something a mama might say) and for a game of scrabble. I am embarassed to report that he beat me at Scrabble. Yes, he is an English language learner (moved to the US in 1993) and he beat me, an English language learner teacher at Scrabble. It was terribly sad and embarassing, but it was completely not my fault! I swear to you, I picked the worst letters (all vowels) to have ever been picked in a Scrabble game. AND, despite the fact that he had all the high-scoring letters - Z, X, J, V, K - he still only beat me by 10 points, so I like to think that I redeemed myself.

But that is beside the point. At some point during the date, he breezily mentioned that he was interviewing for a new job... in Baltimore. "WHAT!?" I believe I did actually shout it just like that with both an exclamation point and a question mark. I thought it was odd that he would bring this up on our third date and then try to nonchalantly pass it off as something that "probably won't happen, but..." Ummm ok, buddy. Just cut to the chase. But still things continued on as normal. He asked when he would see me again, we snuggled on the couch and watched TV, he kissed me good night. All seemed great.

But then, on the day of our next scheduled date (two days later, AKA last Friday night), he texted me to cancel, claiming he would call me the next day (yeah, right). Bummer. Big time. I was really, really, really, really starting to like this guy. SO, of course, I immediately tell Blondie about my devastating news and she decides that the only way to make things better is to go out and get drunk. I agreed.

We went to our favorite neighborhood bar, Blue Max, in Sunnyvale. Doesn't the name just sound fun and intriguing? It is... If you like old people who are REALLY into karaoke. I was feeling so pumped about karaoking and boozing it up that I must have been oozing positive energy as I got two calls three minutes apart from two new match.com boyfriends. (And, as it turns out, I wasn't really that sad about McBulgarian because I tried to cry about it on my way home from work that afternoon, but only managed to squeeze out about three tears!) It is true, ladies, life does go on.

Meanwhile, at the Blue Max, Blondie and I enjoyed a plethora of Miller Lights (at $3 a pop) and I indulged in singing an exorbitant amount of karaoke songs (some good - a "Need You Now" duet with my good friend, Texy McAmericanIdol; some OK - my go-to crowd pleaser "Take it on the Run" by REO Speedwagon; and some bad - Blondie and I attempting to belt out Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" as a symbolic gesture of our singledom). That, combined with a heavenly French dip sandwich from Adamson's made it a truly excellent night.

Next afternoon, I get a phone call from McBulgarian. Believe it or not, he is in that rare class of dudes who actually calls when he says he will. WOW! After a minute or two of "catching up," he breaks the news: "Looks like I'm moving to Baltimore." "WHAT!?" Only this time I don't shout that out. I am the breezy one now. "Oh wow, you got the job?" I am so breezy, it gives him chills. And the best part? He then says, "So I guess I'm calling to break up with you." HA! "You can't break up with me," I say. "We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend." He chuckles. We talk a little bit about how much it is going to suck to move from California to Baltimore (isn't that place the armpit of the U.S.?) and then we say our final goodbyes. It was sad. I hung up the phone and shed one final tear. Then, I went into my itunes, found my WhiteSnake album and pressed play. Story of my freaking' life.

Sing along, everybody: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again..."

Final vote: bud.

Dating Schmating

Okay this is just getting exhausting....

I didn't mention this before, but immediately proceeding my date with Proffy McAkward, I had the pleasure of speaking to Manly McTexan on the phone for nearly an hour. He was infinitely sweet, polite and just a pure southern gentleman. (A slow southern drawl gets me every time.) We made plans for a date on Tuesday and he called me to confirm (as he said he would) on Monday. Our date was fabulous and I had a great time. I felt relaxed, comfortable and attended to. He asked to kiss me and I obliged, and was feeling very sparkly by the end of our date. He told me I was beautiful and I felt a genuine, natural connection with him. He even texted to say that he looks forward to spending more time with me! Bonus! Buuuuut, three days later and no call. However, I did receive a text from him this morning. Really not sure how to explain this mysterious man behavior but I remain cautiously optimistic that I will see this guy again. Final vote: Stud potential

In addition to Manly McTexan, I also spoke to Smarmy McJew on the phone last week. We made tentative plans for Sunday afternoon to grab a drink. Well after my date with Manly McTexan I was feeling like I was getting just a little closer to finding what I am looking for in a man, and Smarmy McJew just wasn't it. He's a musician, and lives with his bandmate. Our phone conversation included a competition to see who had done the most international traveling. Now I am all for a little vacay talk, but I am simply not impressed when you tell me you've been to Europe by yourself for three weeks. So, though admittedly rude, I did not return his phone call on Sunday. I felt that I still needed to think about whether I really wanted to meet this guy, or was I just doing it because I "should" or need to "put myself out there." Well, I ended up having Teachy McTall Girl and LooksLike[Her] McHalfAsian over for dinner, wine, and girl talk. I had no desire to speak to Smarmy by this point but my intuition was confirmed when I received a dramatic and passive aggressive email from him labeled "stood up." Now, let me point out that not only did we not specifically have plans as to when to meet but we also hadn't decided WHERE to meet. So this series of events hardly meets the definition of "stood up." Especially since the unspoken match.com pattern is no response=not interested. And god knows I have found myself on the other side of the "no response" situation countless times. Get the hint dude! Taking a page from Teachy McTallGirl's book, I responded back and indicated that upon receipt of his passive aggressive email it was no longer necessary for me to return his phone call. I finished it off by blocking his profile so he is incapable of ever responding to me. Final vote: Dud

So here it is Friday nite and I am so excited for my date with, who else, but Teachy McTallGirl! We're gonna get our GTL on till its t-shirt time and the cabs are here. That's the thing about dating somebody that really cares about you, they cheer you up, not bring you down! Final vote: Studette.

Guest post: ticking clock

By LooksLikeMe McHalfAsian

So I am adding my dating woes to this blog in an effort to emotionally detach myself from my dating disasters. As Teachy has named me, I am LooksLike[Her] McHalfAsian. I really should start this off describing my relationship with LiarLiarPantsOnFire You’reMcMarried, but there is not enough time in the world for that one!

So we will start, instead, with SizeIsNotAlwaysProportionate McTooTall. Ok that was a low blow… pun intended! Though we met through match.com, McTooTall and I had a mutual friend, which actually got the ball rolling for us. I probably would have never let him into my house otherwise, but he seemed nice, cute, and athletic and came with good reviews. I have to admit, I began my relationship with McTooTall while was I still wrapping up the devastation of ending things with LiarLiar. Can we all say “REBOUND!?” I really don’t think McTooTall was too hurt by this. He got what he wanted – a casual, non-assuming, fit-you-in-when-we-can relationship… well, until last summer, that is.

Early July comes around and so does the frightful comment, “I want to have a baby with you!” I know all of you would assume this was coming from the chick, but nope, that was not me! I guess guys have biological clocks, too. My response: “Is this a joke???” Okay, my tact and kindness filter flew out the window there. Who says things like that when you are not in a whole-hearted, committed, loving relationship??? And girls get bad raps for crap like this! Oh yes, McTooTall was dead serious! After many discussions and not being completely sold, he throws in, “You want me to move in here?” I enabled my filter this time, “Ahhh, okay…” Subject dropped! After weeks of, “I hope you are pregnant,” and “I hope I knocked you up last night,” and text messages of “I want to impregnate you tonight.” Dude, I’m still on the PILL! (Side note, at the time my cell phone would verbally read aloud message. A text message like this can be a show stopper while out hiking with not-so-close friends. Some impromptu coughing on my part was needed.) Low and behold, he got his wish, but not by choice on my part. I was off the pill due to a 104-degree temperature and being comatose for 3 days. I had a pretty severe case of strep. I did not move for days and my pill was farthest from my mind. He begged me not to get back on.

More text messages: “Do you love me?”

I learned once… filter! My response, “Can I trust you?”

“YES!”

“Then I guess I could (at some point)…”

Then one day (mind you, he had stood me up the night before on my Mom’s birthday) comes: “Would you marry me?”

Ladies, don’t get excited here, this was not a proposal, this was merely a clarification for future reference. My response, “Ummm, when I’m ready…” Let’s just say this was the beginning of the end. Not that there was really a stable future here; after all I did start this on a rebound.
So McTooTall begins to realize what he is asking of me and flip out at his requests… aaah yeah! Then, I get asked out by another guy, Mc Masseuse (future blog) and McTooTall literally flips a lid. This would be the last time I actually see McTooTall. I soon go on vacation to Zion and Vegas and I know McTooTall and I are done, just not technically.

October 6th… Happy Birthday to me! I had returned from Vegas the night before and since it was my birthday, I thought that it might be nice to see the guy I am supposedly seeing.
Two text messages and one voicemail later, he finally responds via text : “I met someone else; maybe we shouldn’t see each other.”

Me: “When were you planning to tell me?”

Him: “Not sure. Have a happy birthday!”

Needless to say, Vegas did not go to waste. Thank you BlueEyed McTriGuy! Less than two days into my break up diet and I was knocking on McLawyer’s door. (Not to sue TooTall but to get over him [another blog]).

After being together for more than a year, rating him as a dud may be too nice…

That’s alright, because just a few weeks later, I met (and subsequently had my heart broken by) EmotionallyUnavailable McSurfer. This one is still a very fresh wound (a much, much later blog). And just for clarification, McSurfer was not a rebound… but the next guy will be!

Final vote: dud


***Want to submit your match.com dud dating disaster? Post a comment with your email address and we'll get back to you!

"Would you like to see some of the products my company offers?"

Oh geez. I don't even have the words to describe last night's date. Awkward. Uncomfortable. LONG. Boring. Painful. But those really just don't even say enough. So, here's how it went down. It was a first (and only) date with Geeky McEatsSlow. This guy was previously nicknamed something else in an earlier post, but last night's date warranted a nickname change. Here are the things I learned about Geeky from our date last night:

1) He does not have a car and travels everywhere by bus (although he does live in the City, so this is acceptable).
2) He is 32 years old (two years older than I am) and graduated HS in 1998 (the same year that I did). This means he was 20 years old when he graduated HS.
3) His parents held him back from school for two years because he was a "special needs" child and they did not believe he was ready for school. Hence the late graduation date above.
4) Despite his special needs, he is much more confident now. Oh good.
5) He eats slower than any human being on the planet. The waitress came to take his plate about 16 times and each time he was "still working on it." Finally, he finished, and after prompting from me to request the check, he asked to take the bread to go.
6) He likes to talk. A LOT! What about, you ask? I have no clue because I tuned him out after the story about something really funny that happened to him in 7th grade, that he was sure I was going to get a kick out of. I did not.
7) He works for a company that makes dog products (like leashes and toys). He thought I would be interested in this because my roommate has a dog. So near the end of the date, he asked if I wanted to see some of the products that his company makes. Ummm... ok, sure. He busted out his Blackberry and had me scroll through pictures of leashes and dog Snuggies. Wow. No words.
8) When he ordered his wine, he pronounced "Syrah" as see-ree-uh. The waitress corrected him.

Need I write more? The date lasted soooooooooooooooo uncomfortably long because he continued to talk (and not eat) and then continued to eat (and not ask for the check). It was painful, people. PAIN-FUL!

Do I honestly have to rate this dude? Dud to the max.