Waste of make up

After a couple weeks of maction (match.com action), my winking, emailing and profile stalking finally manifested into an actual date last night. Proffy McAkward initially showed real promise; he was a lawyer, well read, and came across as a total tender-hearted sweetie in his profile. He was undeterred by the fact that I accidentally emailed him from Hottie McAsian's profile (rookie mistake). However, I started to have doubts (that TeachyMcTallgirl pointed out should really be concerns) as things played out.

He emailed me on Wednesday to ask me out for Thursday, stating he would call that night. Well, 10PM rolls around and no call yet. I was trying very hard not to care, but it is impossible to be told, "I will call you tonite," as a single girl and not get your hopes up that somebody might actually want to speak with you. So eventually he does send me a text around 10:15 indicating that he was too exhausted to call me because he had just gotten home from yoga. Hmmm I think to myself as I read this bizarre text. Was this Bikhram yoga perhaps? It was difficult for me to empathize, but I was determined to go out on a date so I ignored my vaginal instincts.

I responded and indicated that I was open for the drink he had proposed. He texted me Thursday morning with a suggestion of a place to meet, to which I agreed. He then proceeded to tell me via text that he would be the old, bald, fat guy at the bar. Hmmmm. Puzzled again, but I suppose he was trying to be funny? The subtleties of sarcasm did not translate over text message. As I relayed the details of these interactions with Teachy, my vaginal instincts went into overdrive. If this is how he is choosing to interact with me BEFORE I even meet him, and this is his "first impression," what can I expect from this guy down the road? I predicted a frustrating series of un-returned phone calls and unrealized plans. Teachy's wise words snapped me back to reality and I had a premonition. This guy is going to be late for our date. And guess what. He was late.

He was kind enough to text me and let me know he would be 10 minutes late, which would have been reasonable had he not truly been 20 minutes late. Upon arrival he did not explain why he was late or apologize. Not wanting to be rude but really curious as to how he could be late at 8:30 on a Thursday, I asked where he had come from. Answer, a mixer in San Jose. Again, not my choice for first impressions to schedule a date AFTER a mixer in a city 30 miles away. But who am I to judge? So our date ensued.

Teachy had warned me that this guy was probably a socially awkward geek, and she was right. While his face was actually very handsome, his mannerisms were fidgety and distracting. He projected the vibe of a 12 year old and apparently had the lifestyle to match. Throughout the evening he revealed to me that not only is he currently living in a hotel (no I am not making this up) he has lately gotten into the habit of sleeping until 10AM. Our conversation actually kept me entertained but not because of his engaging personality, but because I was fascinated by this spectacle of a man. By the end, I was exhausted as being fake nice to people takes a lot of energy. Particularly since all I wanted to do was get out of there and watch Jersey Shore. Had he not been late, I might have gotten home by 10PM.

When I woke up this morning I decided not to let good make up go to waste so I skipped a shower and wore last night's face to work. So I guess you might say, I got my 20 minutes back. Final vote: Dud

The hottest thing on match.com?

That would be Hottie McAsian, our fake match.com profile. It has now been one week since Hottie's profile has been active and she has... drum roll please... 52 new emails and 105 winks! Wha? Huh? What did you say? Yeah, exactly. I don't even know what to make of this, but I am pretty sure that every man in the greater bay area - between the ages of 18 and 50 - has either winked or emailed her. Damn, girl. You are smokin'!

every girl's got a little crazy in her...

Ok, this is going to sound a little psycho, but the truth is... as a member of the Female Race, crazy is unavoidable, as it is an unchangeable part of my DNA. And honestly, when one member of the Female Race gets crazy, she shares her crazy with other members and then the crazy spreads like a disease. So, what happened here is that I contracted my crazy from my good friend Blondie McSmartyPants.

Blondie McSmartyPants, as you know, recently ended a relationship with Tooly McWankFace. And when I say recently, I mean like last week. This is a fresh wound here. So as per standard crazy post-breakup behavior, Blondie immediately began scouring match.com to see if he had re-posted his profile. Then, on Tuesday, she discovered that he had indeed re-posted his profile. Crazy just got crazier.

Now, there is one inherent problem with match.com: when you look at a dude's profile, it shows up on his "See who's viewed you" section of his page. So if you view it today, it shows up. If you view it tomorrow, it shows up again. How in the world do the match.com creators expect us to secretly stalk dudes if we're constantly showing up on their "Who's viewed me" page??

So there are two things that caused the crazy to spread from Blondie to me: 1) She told me about finding Tooly back on match. That wanker! 2) She asked me if I had ever searched for my ex. Dammit! I hadn't even considered that! (For those of you who don't know the back story, my ex - Douchey McF***Face - and I broke up in August. While Douchey and I didn't meet on match, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't sign up to try to find the byatch of his dreams. And just for the record, I am COMPLETELY over him, but honestly, I am just a curious person by nature).

Here's what happened. I got curious. Duh. So I conducted a search for men of his age range, height, location, etc. I was very specific so as to narrow the field. And after browsing just two pages, I found him. My heart stopped. What a douche. But, I hate to say this, the crazy didn't stop there. It really does get worse - way worse. I did not want to click on his profile, because the last thing I wanted to do was to give him any sort of impression that I think or care about him at all. So, I immediately IMed Blondie. What do I do?? She was in the same boat as me. She had been consumed by the crazy. I know I should not have turned to her, but the crazy was running coarsely through my veins. I was not thinking straight. In haste, we shot ideas back and forth about what to do. How can we properly stalk our exes without them knowing it?

"I've got the BEST idea," Blondie wrote (in reality, not a good idea at all). "We can create a FAKE PROFILE!"

"OMG! That is such a good idea!"

No it's not. But... it was too late. The crazy had already won. Blondie moved quickly. She suggested using the photos of her coworker, who is happily relationshipped. Brilliant!

So immediately upon getting home from work on Tuesday, I set out on my task of creating a faux stalker profile using Blondie's coworker's photos! We'll call our newest match.com member Hottie McAsian. Let me tell you this... it is hard work making a match.com profile! So many questions! So many things to make up! But by the time I had sat down in front of my laptop and created a fake gmail account for Hottie, there was seriously no turning back. I was in it to win it. I had to create a fake birth date, a fake college, a fake degree, a fake job, and even fake interests (Hottie really loves the beach and experiencing new adventures - ok, maybe there is a little bit of me in this fake profile...) I felt like Dr. Frankenstein creating my monster. It was so much fun! After about 40 minutes of hard work, my creation was complete. I just needed to wait for the profile and photos to be approved.

When I finally had my chance, I logged on immediately to stalk Douchey's profile. Eew. So glad that relationship's over. Viewing his profile ultimately brought me no satisfaction, other than knowing that I am glad I am no longer with him. (That, and the thought that I am way too hot for him anyway.) After viewing his profile, the crazy started to slowly wear off. WTF were we thinking? But, since we already had the profile up, we figured we'd check on it every once in a while to see who's winking at her. If Douchey or Tooly wink at her, we both thought, they're going down. (Crazy clearly still lingering).

As a non-paying match.com member, the only thing you can do on the site in terms of communication is wink for free. You can also see those who have winked at you. What you can't see is "who's viewed you" or emails that have been sent. We didn't envision this being a problem because we were only anticipating using her profile to stalk our exes.

But here's the crazy part... Hottie has had a fake profile now for about three days. I logged on to her profile this morning, just to see what kind of action she's gotten (and to see if Douchey winked at her, which he did not). You will not believe this, but she has 19 new emails and 40 winks! Are you kidding me!? That is more emails and winks than Blondie and I put together! How is it possible that our fake profile is more popular than our real ones!? Waaaah we are crying!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, folks, it's that stalking is bad. And so is creating fake people. Or using real people to make fake people to secretly stalk real people. Ugh. What a giant, crazy mess...

By popular demand...

...I bring you Hottie McJesus!

This is an oldie but goodie. Check that. An oldie by greatie. When we started the blog, I only intended to write about new match adventures, but I've received SEVERAL requests to do a write-up on good old McJesus, so here goes nothing...

I met McJesus on Halloween night a few years back. He was dressed up as a doctor and at the time we deemed him McSteamy, and I was Tim Gunn. He was super tall, dark, scruffy, and I liked him the second he walked into the party. After some antics by my friends, the two of us were introduced and struck-up some conversation. At the end of the night I gave him my phone number and crossed my fingers that'd he call.

My wish came true when he called me up just a few days later. Little did I know what I was about to endure. Things I remember about the call - it lasted FOREVER and not in a good way. My cell phone bill was nearly $200 that month thanks for the worlds longest first call. While on the line I realized that what he needed more than a girlfriend was a therapist. He continued on and on about church services, church trips*, church friends, etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I like church. I go to church. But on a first phone call, I DON'T like shoving my religion down anyone's throat. I survive til the end of the call when he finally asks if he can take me out. At this point I feel obligated and agree to a Friday day date.

*One of his church trips was to Jamaica. So this prompts me to tell him my favorite story of my senior year of college spring break in Negril, Jamaica. I was walking along the beach with my two best-friends when I hear a man calling out, "Hey tall girl, (hence the name) hey tall girl," and when this gets my attention the man continues with, "I like your size!" At this point we are close to running away when he adds, "I'll see you later tonight." My final line was, "No you won't!" as my best-friends and I run away from the one-legged local.

Day of the date - he picks me up at my apartment in San Jose and we drive ALL the way to Santa Cruz. For those of you not familiar with this drive, I'd say it's a good 40 minute trek. Total rookie move to go on this long of a car drive on a first date.

Hey, here's a shocker, the conversation begins with....wait for it....church talk. Somehow the conversation finally shifts and he asks me about my family. One question I remember him asking was whether or not my sister (hey B!) and I are alike. I said something along the lines of, "my sister is an Aries so tends to be a bit feistier than I am." He replies with, "You're like that. You're aggressive. Uhhhhh, I mean, assertive." Actually dude, I'm neither. And here's a tip - don't call a girl aggressive and assertive on a first date. It's not gonna go over well.

So we finally make it to Santa Cruz and he is bumbling and fumbling over where to eat. I keep telling him, "I'm the least picky eater you'll ever meet! As long as the restaurant serves more than raisins, I'll be fine." Doesn't help. Eventually to put us both out of our misery I pick a cute place with outside seating and a beautiful view of the Pacific. Upon sitting down we launch into therapy time. Topics included but were not limited to: being "exiled" from his church because of a girl who told a lie about her running over his foot with her car?? (Some chick seriously drove over his foot and caused a lot of damage. He then named the girl in his insurance claim/lawsuit. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because after that he was asked to leave the church.), this broke his heart because church was everything (duh) so he was then driven to thoughts of suicide (yep, we're still on our first date), his inability to complete college (failed out several times due to his ADD, he said), and on and on.

Our food arrives and I could not be more happy to take a pause from the conversation and dive into my Ahi tuna salad. This feeling of bliss doesn't last long. The second the waiter steps away McJesus says to me, "You want to pray?" I say, "WHAT?!?!??!?!" He repeats himself as if I didn't actually hear him the first time, "Do you want to pray?" Oh.My.God. Literally. I have no clue what to do at this point so I say, "ok" and put my hands in my lap and close my eyes in prayer sooooooooooo quickly (I did NOT want him asking me to hold hands during this prayer).

My friends who know this story typically ask, "What did he say in the prayer?" Well, I have no freaking clue. I was doing a little praying of my own during this quiet moment and my prayer went something like this, "Dear God, let me get through this date. Please tell me that no one is looking at us and laughing right now. I know I would be, and that may not make me a good person, but at least I'm honest. God, you must have me on this date so I could give my friends a good laugh...You've got some sense of humor..."

I make it through lunch, by the grace of God (now I'm the one getting religious). Now, this fool wants to take a walk on the beach. I appease him (see, not assertive at all!) and we drop our shoes off in the car. While he's taking his shoes off he tells me, "Sorry, but I'm missing my big toe nail. It's kind of gross." To make light of this awkward (and honestly, unnecessary - I would have NEVER noticed) moment I say something like, "Well, missing a toe nail is better than missing a leg!" (Get it? It's in reference to the story I told about Jamaica just days earlier). He looks at me like I have 17 eyes and then finally says, "Ohh that's kinda like what happened to you in Jamaica". Yep, Einstein, probably why I said it.

Fast-forward, we're driving home. At this point I've clearly had it and decide that I'm going to ask political questions just so I can prove him wrong (ok, maybe I can be a bit aggressive). This was right during the time of Prop 8, the Gay Marriage Proposition in CA. I vehemently support gay marriage but knew this right-wing Christian would be against it. I ask him why he doesn't support it and he quotes the usual "because the Bible says marriage can only be between man and a woman." (I understand this argument and don't discredit it, I just have a different opinion). He asks me why I support gay marriage and I tell him that I think it's wrong to take away human rights and because gay marriage is already constitutional in California, I can't believe we are voting to TAKE A WAY a human right. He looks at me dead seriously and says, "You honestly think it says that in our Constitution?". HAHAHA. Not only do I think that, pal, I KNOW that (back in 2008 at least). Luckily at this point we are exiting the freeway and I'm about to be home free. We pull up in front of my apartment complex and he asks if he should walk me in. I decline and speed away. The end.

Oh wait, not the end. A few days later he called and left a voicemail saying, "I think we have different beliefs so I don't think it's going to work out. Good luck to you in your career. And God Bless." CHRIST. After all of that, he "broke-up" with me!

To all my friends who already know this story - you know my vote. To all the people reading this the first time....Final Vote: McJesus Dud.