Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride...

Ok, this was just bad judgment on my part.

So one of the first guys who emailed me on match – we’ll refer to him as Walks-a-lot McTexter – seemed at first to be a really cool guy. He sent a nice, normal email and gave me all sorts of compliments (clearly, I am easily wooed). So, as per my protocol, I gave him my number. Now, again, let me be clear that this is my own fault. I blame this entire non-relationship on my poor judgment. I’ve got nothing against this guy. He really is nice and completely unassuming and he even seems like he could – in some senses – be a very good boyfriend. However, with that said, I have decided to end things with him (before even meeting him. Is that bad?), and you’re about to find out why.

First, after I gave him my number, he – of course – did not call me, but instead sent me a text (problem #1). “Hi there, it’s Walks-a-lot from match.” After a couple of text exchanges (“I am good, how are you.” “Not bad. What are you up to?”) I ran into problem #2. After asking him what he was up to, he responded with: “I’m just at work watching football.” I am puzzled. It’s 8pm on a Monday night. “Watching football at work?” I text back. “Hmmm… What do you do?” “Sell team stuff in ALocalTown” What is “team stuff,” I wonder, and, Oh shit, I need to go back and check this dude’s highest education level. Problem #3.

My worst fears were realized. I am not quite sure how I missed this – maybe I was distracted by the fact that he was 6’4” and good looking? – but he had “tell you later” listed next to both his job AND his education level. Oy vey. Call me picky, but I just can’t date a dude with no college education! So one day during a typical textersation (he has texted me every day since the first day he texted, which was December 28th! And usually the texts start with “Hey,” “Hiya,” or “Hi”. Problem #5), I worked up the nerve to ask him about it. “I was just checking out your profile on match,” I typed. “Your job is listed as ‘tell you later’ – what up with that???” His response: “Because I work retail and 98.7 percent of women on there want guys who make good money, not for how good a person a guy may be :/ [sic]” Eeeek. I should have cut the cord right then and there. But I kinda felt badly for the guy, so I continued to let him text me on a daily basis. I mean, this whole time I knew I was going to have to break his heart one day, but I put it off thinking maybe he would get sick of me? (Impossible). So by this point, I am extremely bored with the textersations. I mean, seriously, are you mute? You are really THAT incapable of picking up the phone and calling me?

But finally, we get to problem #5 – the absolute worst of all, and in my opinion – a deal breaker. He finally gets up the nerve to ask me out for a drink. “It’s been long enough w/o seeing your beauty in person,” he types. Damn straight. So I respond with a suggestion of meeting up in the Cupertino/Sunnyvale area, since that is where I’ll be that night. “Would you mind meeting up in this area?” I ask. Brace yourselves for his response. You will be shocked: “This area as in TownILiveIn?” he writes. “I don’t drive member? Sorry to remind ya of my current short cummings :( [sic]” OK, so there are a number of things wrong with that text message, but – O.M.G. – let’s cut to the chase. “You don’t drive??” I text back. “You never told me that!” He tries to claim that he did and then gives me his sob story excuse. Not buying it, buddy. Bottom line… Ah helllllllll no. I do NOT want No Scrubs! How is this guy going to think it’s cool to date a girl without owning a car!? How is this guy going to think I am going to pick his ass up everytime we go out!? And, more important, how is this guy going to think I am going to pay for my own meals when he takes me (oh, excuse me, when I pick him up and take him) out for dinner?

Sorry, Walks-a-lot. But you’re outta here.

Final vote: Dud