What gives? Round 2.

So, Blondie and I went on a date on Saturday night to go see the critically acclaimed film, "Hall Pass." Blondie's choice, people, not mine. We arrived early so decided that the only way two old ladies like us would stay awake for the entirety of a 2-hour movie that starts at 8pm, would be if we grabbed a Starbucks, which is located just next-door to the movie theatre.

So we go in and Blondie, being the great date that she is, buys me my drink. Awww... I love my husband. As she's paying, I walk away to go stand next to the barista area - where people go to wait for their drinks. I literally have to squeeze past this man, who is on his cell phone, in order to get to the proper waiting area. As I am walking past, I hear him saying, "Hello? Uh... hello...?" and I think to myself that he is clearly talking to the person on the other end of the phone. Damn AT&T. But then I hear, "Natalie?" I spin around. I recognize him immediately but pretend that I have no idea who he is. "Hi," I say. Blondie is looking at my with a skeptical eye. I shoot a Fudge, this is awkward. Get me outta here look right back at her. "I believe we met on match," he says to me. Don't "I believe" me, Mister. You know my name! You very well know where we met. "Ohhhhhh..." I say, still shooting sideways glances at Blondie. Please save me. "What's your name?" I ask. Of course, I know his name. I think. "Winky McWhatGives" he responds. Duh. Of course it is.

Now let's rewind for a second. You all remember Winky McWhatGives, don't you? How could you forget? And let's say you have forgotten - I think then it's time you scroll through the archives and find the post entitled "What Gives" and you shall discover why the last thing I EVER wanted to do in my life EVER... was run into this guy in Starbucks.

"What are you doing here," he asks? "Oh, my friend, Blondie, and I are going to see a movie. You?" "Me, too! I am going to see 'Hall Pass.'" Yep. How did I know? Please don't ask if you can sit with us. Please don't ask if you can sit with us. He does not ask to sit with us, but he does continue to shoot the shit as he looks me up and down with hungry eyes (according to Blondie - "Did you SEE the way he was looking at you?"). Ugh. Finally, he asks if he can call me. I cannot reject this guy for, like, a fifth time in the middle of Starbucks when we are about to go sit in the same tiny movie theatre to watch the same lame movie as him. "Sure," I say, clearly with reluctance - clenched teeth and a quivering lip. He cannot sense my reluctance, though, because all he sees is this amazing aura of light around me. I am an angel sent from the heavens and our miraculously running into each other in Starbucks is surely a sign from God that we should be together. It is fate!

Finally, he realizes that I am on a date and he excuses himself to order his coffee. Blondie and I grab our drinks from the barista - why did they take SO LONG to make our drinks? Oh, right, because Blondie had to wait for her decaf coffee to brew. We literally run out of Starbucks. In the theatre, we sit as high up as possible and hide. BTW, this guy is alone. So he is clearly not getting a lot of hits on match.com. Gee, I wonder why? Thankfully, we never see him enter or exit the theatre. We make it out of there safely. *Phew!*

Fast-forward to Sunday night. I receive a phone call at 10pm (side note: do not call me at 10pm on a Sunday night. I am sleeping. Guaranteed). It wakes me up. It is Winky, who leaves a voice message. O.M.G. this guy is clueless. He says, "It was great running into you on Saturday night!" No it wasn't. He asks if we can catch up. I do not call him back. I will not call him back. Why is it the freaks who love me the most? Why? Why? WHY? Seriously, what gives? This vote has already been cast, but in case you need to be reminded: FREAK!

And now for the lightning-speed updates on the rest of my dating life:

1) Okie McDogRescuer never called. WAH! I liked him! Final vote: Bud.

2) MountainBiker McChristian also stopped calling. Aww shucks. But in reality... don't care. And, as it turns out, he is the SAME guy that NicestFriend McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate went on a date with about a year ago! Same thing happened to her! Clearly, this guy is NOT a keeper. And he has no type because McChurchGirl-Granola's roommate and I look nothing alike. Final vote: Dud.

3) Final update - not so lightning speed, though. This deserves a full explanation. So for a second, I was communicating with a new potenty: eHarmony McTayeDiggsLookalike. He was smokin'! We actually met on eHarmony late 2009 (clearly, I have tried them all, people. Multiple times. I never seem to learn my lesson). We went on one date to Starbucks. He was very handsome in person, but he was a flaky mctallguy for sure. At some point early last year, just before I started dating Douchey, he got "busy" and we stopped communicating (which was just texting, btw, because he didn't like talking on the phone. Hello, red flag)! So I get this email on match a week ago and it's from this guy. I could not remember his name. I am very upfront with him and I tell him that I am not looking for a text buddy and that if he is interested in a serious relationship, then he should call me. Oh, and btw, what's your name again? A couple of days later, I get a text from him: "Hey, what's up." Clearly, he did not get the message. In my text back I told him that he needed to ask me out on a date or we were done-zo. So he responds and asks if I would like to come over to his house and "chill." WHAT!? Are you serious? I tell him no, that I want to go on a real date. He is resistant but agrees that maybe we can meet at Rancho for a walk. Ahh... much more my style. We don't end up going on that date, though, because, WTF?, it is snowing in San Jose. Instead, we make plans to schedule something else later. FYI - still no phone call from this guy. I decide to hold out for him, though, because he is incredibly good looking.

So Tuesday afternoon comes around and I get a text from him. He asks me, again, if I want to go to house his and chill. OK, how much clearer can I be? NO! I want to go on a real date! I am angry and pretty much write that word for word. After about an hour of text arguing with him, he writes this: "I'll be upfront and candid... I have no intent of wining and dining anyone until I feel as if they are someone I have a mental and physical connection with and can see myself with."

I am so irritated by this point, so I write back (over a series of text messages): "How do you expect to ever make a connection with someone if you don't go on a date? I was never asking you to buy me fancy dinners. Meeting over coffee or for a drink works just fine. Or even talking to me on the phone. You do realize that there are creeps, rapists, and sex fiends on the internet, right? So when you ask a girl to come over to your house when you don't know her, you are going to come across as one of the above. It's not to say that you are one of the above, but you could be. How do I know? I am protecting myself when I ask to meet you in a public place." This is apparently funny to him because the message I get back says, "LOL." Yeah, I am sure you were laughing out loud.

"Though I get your point," he writes, "a rapist, sex fiend, or stalker is going to be the same person after one date or 100 dates... Look, I am not knocking your reluctance. I invited, you declined, it really isn't that big of a deal." He is right. And I am SO OVER HIM at this point. Even if he was Taye Diggs, I would have sent this same message back: "Ok well it's not going to work for me, so good luck!" And here is the kicker... His response: "K. Just let me know" HA! Now I am totally LOLing! Final vote: Idiot... er, I mean Dud.