Maction Reaction

I don’t have much longer until my match.com subscription expires and I am undecided whether or not to renew it. My revamped profile elicited a new wave of winks and emails and I have honestly had so many to sort through I spent an hour a couple of nights last week managing them all. It takes time to log into a fake profile, look at 15 pictures where only 2 of them really show what somebody looks like, decide if they are a douche bag or not, log out, and then log back into my own profile to respond! Anybody else who has ever participated in online dating has experienced this annoyance to which I am referring. What is it with men being so clueless about what kind of pictures to post on a profile? Does a picture of you zip lining 50 feet away from the camera really help me determine what you look like? And snowboarding gear-really? That could be a picture of my brother for all I know. But back to my dilemma! It really is a curious phenomenon that just a few paragraphs could have such an impact on my maction, particularly since everybody tells me that men are just looking at the pictures (and mine are all the same). Based on the recommendations from the book referenced in my previous post, I also made the decision to downgrade my body type (or maybe upgrade?) from “slender” to “about average.” The descriptions are so subjective, better for somebody to be pleasantly surprised as opposed to shocked at the T&A I am sporting.

So the most interesting aspect of this experiment is the TYPE of men I have been “attracting” with my Blondie 2.0 profile. These men are overwhelmingly employed in “service” occupations; a Pediatric ICU nurse, a cop, a firefighter. Gone are the lawyers and accountants of my beta test profile. So far, it appears that the education factor seems to have an inverse relationship with the sweetness factor. I have been chatting with Nursy McTenderHeart and Babyface McCopster. Both come across as simple in their emails, but genuinely interested in getting to know me. Neither have boasted about their exotic vacation plans or tried to impress me with quick witted commentary about international politics. They are relatable and down to earth which is a good start for this blue collar heart!

I am also thrilled to report that I had the pleasure of going out on a proper date this weekend! Cutie McManners hit me up with an email about a week ago and we had been exchanging messages for a few days. I would say our connection over email was probably the best I have ever experienced on match. Over the phone it was even better as we bonded over our mutual love of Jersey Shore (he might just be my dream guy!). He was funny, charming and interesting. Though an engineer by day, by night he is a down to earth, Texas born guy with an all American, borderline “bad boy” look. I gave him my phone number and he actually CALLED. Did you see that folks? He CALLED. Not texted. The day I gave him my number in fact! I am still in shock. He called me two days after our first conversation and said he would “like to take me out.” The significance of this phrase should not be overlooked. He did not say “we should hang out,” or “call me if you want to grab a drink.” He actually picked out the restaurant (and made a reservation); we met on Saturday at 7. He waited outside the restaurant for me to get there (nobody has ever done that for me before-bonus!). It was a very pleasant evening and we had a great conversation-I would say we “clicked.” I really enjoyed spending a few hours with this guy. I would not say it was magically sparkly, but definitely intriguing. He was a perfect gentleman and even snuck in a few subtle compliments which of course I loved. So our date ended with a hug and him saying “I’ll see you soon.” I was really unsure how to take this, as all the educational literature would suggest I am not likely to hear from him if he didn’t explicitly state as such. But with my new attitude I refuse to worry/analyze/obsess. Instead I just logged back in and responded to my waiting emails. And wouldn’t you know it, Cutie McManners texted me today! No date invitation yet, but perhaps this is a good sign? At least I know I am on his mind. Final Vote: Stud

Even with the influx of new potential dates, I remain hesitant to renew my match.com subscription. Deep down in my vajayjay I can’t honestly say I believe that this is the medium through which I will meet somebody special. Perhaps this attitude is a self fulfilling prophecy? But I sure do have to weed through a LOT of Douchey McDuds to find the decent men. I mentioned to Redhead McLameSayings, that I thought I may not continue the maction and her reaction was a bit discouraging, “well WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?” as if my singledom was some disease and I had decided to stop taking my meds. Her words of encouragement? Try eharmony.

Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride...

Ok, this was just bad judgment on my part.

So one of the first guys who emailed me on match – we’ll refer to him as Walks-a-lot McTexter – seemed at first to be a really cool guy. He sent a nice, normal email and gave me all sorts of compliments (clearly, I am easily wooed). So, as per my protocol, I gave him my number. Now, again, let me be clear that this is my own fault. I blame this entire non-relationship on my poor judgment. I’ve got nothing against this guy. He really is nice and completely unassuming and he even seems like he could – in some senses – be a very good boyfriend. However, with that said, I have decided to end things with him (before even meeting him. Is that bad?), and you’re about to find out why.

First, after I gave him my number, he – of course – did not call me, but instead sent me a text (problem #1). “Hi there, it’s Walks-a-lot from match.” After a couple of text exchanges (“I am good, how are you.” “Not bad. What are you up to?”) I ran into problem #2. After asking him what he was up to, he responded with: “I’m just at work watching football.” I am puzzled. It’s 8pm on a Monday night. “Watching football at work?” I text back. “Hmmm… What do you do?” “Sell team stuff in ALocalTown” What is “team stuff,” I wonder, and, Oh shit, I need to go back and check this dude’s highest education level. Problem #3.

My worst fears were realized. I am not quite sure how I missed this – maybe I was distracted by the fact that he was 6’4” and good looking? – but he had “tell you later” listed next to both his job AND his education level. Oy vey. Call me picky, but I just can’t date a dude with no college education! So one day during a typical textersation (he has texted me every day since the first day he texted, which was December 28th! And usually the texts start with “Hey,” “Hiya,” or “Hi”. Problem #5), I worked up the nerve to ask him about it. “I was just checking out your profile on match,” I typed. “Your job is listed as ‘tell you later’ – what up with that???” His response: “Because I work retail and 98.7 percent of women on there want guys who make good money, not for how good a person a guy may be :/ [sic]” Eeeek. I should have cut the cord right then and there. But I kinda felt badly for the guy, so I continued to let him text me on a daily basis. I mean, this whole time I knew I was going to have to break his heart one day, but I put it off thinking maybe he would get sick of me? (Impossible). So by this point, I am extremely bored with the textersations. I mean, seriously, are you mute? You are really THAT incapable of picking up the phone and calling me?

But finally, we get to problem #5 – the absolute worst of all, and in my opinion – a deal breaker. He finally gets up the nerve to ask me out for a drink. “It’s been long enough w/o seeing your beauty in person,” he types. Damn straight. So I respond with a suggestion of meeting up in the Cupertino/Sunnyvale area, since that is where I’ll be that night. “Would you mind meeting up in this area?” I ask. Brace yourselves for his response. You will be shocked: “This area as in TownILiveIn?” he writes. “I don’t drive member? Sorry to remind ya of my current short cummings :( [sic]” OK, so there are a number of things wrong with that text message, but – O.M.G. – let’s cut to the chase. “You don’t drive??” I text back. “You never told me that!” He tries to claim that he did and then gives me his sob story excuse. Not buying it, buddy. Bottom line… Ah helllllllll no. I do NOT want No Scrubs! How is this guy going to think it’s cool to date a girl without owning a car!? How is this guy going to think I am going to pick his ass up everytime we go out!? And, more important, how is this guy going to think I am going to pay for my own meals when he takes me (oh, excuse me, when I pick him up and take him) out for dinner?

Sorry, Walks-a-lot. But you’re outta here.

Final vote: Dud