...I bring you Hottie McJesus!This is an oldie but goodie. Check that. An oldie by greatie. When we started the blog, I only intended to write about new match adventures, but I've received SEVERAL requests to do a write-up on good old McJesus, so here goes nothing...
I met McJesus on Halloween night a few years back. He was dressed up as a doctor and at the time we deemed him McSteamy, and I was Tim Gunn. He was super tall, dark, scruffy, and I liked him the second he walked into the party. After some antics by my friends, the two of us were introduced and struck-up some conversation. At the end of the night I gave him my phone number and crossed my fingers that'd he call.
My wish came true when he called me up just a few days later. Little did I know what I was about to endure. Things I remember about the call - it lasted FOREVER and not in a good way. My cell phone bill was nearly $200 that month thanks for the worlds longest first call. While on the line I realized that what he needed more than a girlfriend was a therapist. He continued on and on about church services, church trips*, church friends, etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I like church. I go to church. But on a first phone call, I DON'T like shoving my religion down anyone's throat. I survive til the end of the call when he finally asks if he can take me out. At this point I feel obligated and agree to a Friday day date.
*One of his church trips was to Jamaica. So this prompts me to tell him my favorite story of my senior year of college spring break in Negril, Jamaica. I was walking along the beach with my two best-friends when I hear a man calling out, "Hey tall girl, (hence the name) hey tall girl," and when this gets my attention the man continues with, "I like your size!" At this point we are close to running away when he adds, "I'll see you later tonight." My final line was, "No you won't!" as my best-friends and I run away from the one-legged local.
Day of the date - he picks me up at my apartment in San Jose and we drive ALL the way to Santa Cruz. For those of you not familiar with this drive, I'd say it's a good 40 minute trek. Total rookie move to go on this long of a car drive on a first date.
Hey, here's a shocker, the conversation begins with....wait for it....church talk. Somehow the conversation finally shifts and he asks me about my family. One question I remember him asking was whether or not my sister (hey B!) and I are alike. I said something along the lines of, "my sister is an Aries so tends to be a bit feistier than I am." He replies with, "You're like that. You're aggressive. Uhhhhh, I mean, assertive." Actually dude, I'm neither. And here's a tip - don't call a girl aggressive and assertive on a first date. It's not gonna go over well.
So we finally make it to Santa Cruz and he is bumbling and fumbling over where to eat. I keep telling him, "I'm the least picky eater you'll ever meet! As long as the restaurant serves more than raisins, I'll be fine." Doesn't help. Eventually to put us both out of our misery I pick a cute place with outside seating and a beautiful view of the Pacific. Upon sitting down we launch into therapy time. Topics included but were not limited to: being "exiled" from his church because of a girl who told a lie about her running over his foot with her car?? (Some chick seriously drove over his foot and caused a lot of damage. He then named the girl in his insurance claim/lawsuit. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because after that he was asked to leave the church.), this broke his heart because church was everything (duh) so he was then driven to thoughts of suicide (yep, we're still on our first date), his inability to complete college (failed out several times due to his ADD, he said), and on and on.
Our food arrives and I could not be more happy to take a pause from the conversation and dive into my Ahi tuna salad. This feeling of bliss doesn't last long. The second the waiter steps away McJesus says to me, "You want to pray?" I say, "WHAT?!?!??!?!" He repeats himself as if I didn't actually hear him the first time, "Do you want to pray?" Oh.My.God. Literally. I have no clue what to do at this point so I say, "ok" and put my hands in my lap and close my eyes in prayer sooooooooooo quickly (I did NOT want him asking me to hold hands during this prayer).
My friends who know this story typically ask, "What did he say in the prayer?" Well, I have no freaking clue. I was doing a little praying of my own during this quiet moment and my prayer went something like this, "Dear God, let me get through this date. Please tell me that no one is looking at us and laughing right now. I know I would be, and that may not make me a good person, but at least I'm honest. God, you must have me on this date so I could give my friends a good laugh...You've got some sense of humor..."
I make it through lunch, by the grace of God (now I'm the one getting religious). Now, this fool wants to take a walk on the beach. I appease him (see, not assertive at all!) and we drop our shoes off in the car. While he's taking his shoes off he tells me, "Sorry, but I'm missing my big toe nail. It's kind of gross." To make light of this awkward (and honestly, unnecessary - I would have NEVER noticed) moment I say something like, "Well, missing a toe nail is better than missing a leg!" (Get it? It's in reference to the story I told about Jamaica just days earlier). He looks at me like I have 17 eyes and then finally says, "Ohh that's kinda like what happened to you in Jamaica". Yep, Einstein, probably why I said it.
Fast-forward, we're driving home. At this point I've clearly had it and decide that I'm going to ask political questions just so I can prove him wrong (ok, maybe I can be a bit aggressive). This was right during the time of Prop 8, the Gay Marriage Proposition in CA. I vehemently support gay marriage but knew this right-wing Christian would be against it. I ask him why he doesn't support it and he quotes the usual "because the Bible says marriage can only be between man and a woman." (I understand this argument and don't discredit it, I just have a different opinion). He asks me why I support gay marriage and I tell him that I think it's wrong to take away human rights and because gay marriage is already constitutional in California, I can't believe we are voting to TAKE A WAY a human right. He looks at me dead seriously and says, "You honestly think it says that in our Constitution?". HAHAHA. Not only do I think that, pal, I KNOW that (back in 2008 at least). Luckily at this point we are exiting the freeway and I'm about to be home free. We pull up in front of my apartment complex and he asks if he should walk me in. I decline and speed away. The end.
Oh wait, not the end. A few days later he called and left a voicemail saying, "I think we have different beliefs so I don't think it's going to work out. Good luck to you in your career. And God Bless." CHRIST. After all of that, he "broke-up" with me!
To all my friends who already know this story - you know my vote. To all the people reading this the first time....Final Vote: McJesus Dud.
